I’m madder than a rabid llama about what’s been going on in Argentina!

It’s bad enough Governor Sanford told a bunch of lies, disappeared for a week, then got caught with his pants down around the Panama Canal. I guess “hiking up the Appalachian Trail” means something different when he says it…

Now we get to hear Sanford’s sexy computer messages to his girlfriend in Argentina. My face is redder than a champion radish! I don’t know what “tan lines” are but I don’t think they’re in the Bible.

Then it turns out old Bill Clinton was in this Argentina place at exactly the same time, hanging out at some strip club.

I don’t see the point of getting to be a two-term President of the United States of America if you still have to pay to get your jollies at the Pussycat Peeler Bar & Organ Emporium.

And why a foreign strip club? I’ve heard of “free trade” but this is ridiculous.

Aren’t red blooded (and plastic boobed) American women good enough for our politicians anymore? Patriotic pulchritudinous ladies across these United States should be livid about this new kind of outsourcing.

I say we do like Margaret Thatcher and invade Argentina. OK, our excuse for invading is even crazier than Thatcher’s, but she got away with it.

Her approval ratings shot way up! (Are you listening, Teleprompter Kid?)

We need to revenge all the fine American females who’re being pushed aside in favor of Buenos Aires bimbos.

I say we send in Navy Seal snipers to take out all the fake boobs in Argentina! The war will have the added bonus of ticking off that fat, stupid weirdo Hugo Chavez guy who lives next door.

Let Operation Infinite Bust-ice begin!

COLUMBIA, SC – Weekly World News reporters have tracked down Governor Sanford’s Sasquatch lover for an exclusive interview.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina admitted yesterday to having an extramarital affair.  His sudden disappearance last week and over the weekend attracted national attention.  Responses given by his aides about where he was over the 7 day period,  “walking in the woods and thinking,” only attracted more attention.  These aides have since been fired.

While the Governor has come forward admitting to having an affair, he has attempted to protect the identity of his lover.  However the Weekly World News team has tracked down the cryptid home-wrecker.

Maria, an eastern ridgeback Sasquatch, agreed to meet with reporters in a hotel room near her home.  Though she cannot speak, she was able to communicate through descriptive grunts and an interpreter.

The two apparently met while Sanford was out hunting with other conservative lawmakers.  Sanford snuck up on her in a blind and from the first time their eyes met they knew there was a connection that spanned cultures, language, and species.  Sanford left his hunting party almost immediately and spent the rest of the weekend in her cave.

Since that fateful trip five years ago, the two have maintained their affair, seeing each other whenever possible.  Mary admits it was not an ideal situation, but the two felt compelled by a love that was larger than themselves.  Mary kept in contact with the Governor mostly through email, and frequented the same nearby internet café.  Transcripts of their emails are included below:

From Governor Sanford.  June 8th, 2008

Dearest Maria.  Tomorrow I leave Carolina for those wretched Bahamas.  Wretched because they take me even farther away from you.  Each morning when I awake to the sounds of tropical beaches, I will be thinking of you: the feel of your kisses, the curve of your hips, the downy softness of your pelt.  Though my mind and the great state of South Carolina pull me elsewhere, my heart is always in a cave with you.

My Eternal Love,
Marky Warky

From Maria.  June 7th, 2008

To my Dearest Mark.  It seems like an eternity since I have held you in my arms, although I know it has only been days.  Your scent lingers in my fur, and that gives me comfort.  I can’t bring myself to bathe in the river and wash it away, not yet.  Until fate brings us together again, my heart and my body hunger for you.

Eternally yours,
Maria