LOS ANGELES, CA – Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are rumored to have broken up. Biel has since been seen on the arm of the Everglades’ most eligible bachelor: Manigator.

According to insider reports Biel and Timberlake recently ended their three year relationship.  No official press release has yet been given, but Timberlake has been seen woo’ing Rihanna.  This would explain several reports of Biel being seen spending romantic evenings out with the half-man half-alligator mutant, possibly to spite Timberlake.

Last week they were seen enjoying All-You-Can-Eat Wing Night at a South Florida Hooters.  After a long evening of small talk Manigator attempted to impress his date by borrowing her platform shoes and recreating the Pee Wee Herman Big Shoe Dance on the bar.  A very inebriated Biel enjoyed the display, while restaurant management did not and asked the two to leave.  Outside, their faces covered with barbeque blue cheese sauce, the two shared a brief kiss.

A few days later Jessica Biel was seen escorting Manigator around Los Angeles.  Manigator looked distressed as he is federally barred from entering the state of California.  An inside source says she smuggled him across state lines in her luggage.  The two were seen at a Starbucks where Biel ordered a no-fat latte and Manigator asked for a Jagermeister.  Irate that the barista was unable to fulfill his request, Manigator climbed on to the counter asking if the woman was “racist?”  He continued, “Is that it, cause ahmma Reptil-Amer’kan?! You dunno me!”  Manigator calmed down as Biel pursuaded him to relax and emptied a flask into his coffee.  Later, Manigator was heard saying, “You’re so, no I’m serious, Yourso good.  No I’m serrus lissen’. Lissen’.  I won’t hold 7th Heaven against you.”

The same inside source says that Manigator joined her later for a tanning session, where while she was tanning he curled around the booth’s warm and took a nap.

Police reports describe a fight breaking out in the “cafe” section of a nearby K-Mart the next day.  Whether or not the two were involved is unknown, but witnesses describe a “half lizard man” as having been at the heart of it.

Conflicting reports say that Timberlake and Biel never broke up and are currently on vacation together in Napa.  Whether they never broke up, or if a weekend tryst with Manigator sent Biel running back into Timberlake’s arms remains to be seen.

Seeking to further disrupt Town Hall health care meetings Republicans have sent in their secret weapon, Manigator!

Dissent over the Presidents proposed health care reforms has been spearheaded by vitriolic town hall meetings.  Debate on the nature of health care reform has been effectively drowned out by raucous and vitriolic shouting matches between conservative citizens and often effite Democrat speakers.  So successful has this been that Republicans have called in the infamous rabble rouser, Manigator.

Wanted in several states and banned from entering Canada Manigator has been seen at several of the town halls.  Loud, beligerrent, and usually drunk, the presence of the half man half alligator mutant makes it impossible for Democrat speakers to talk about health care.  Any intelligent discussion of the facts is quickly drowned out by his drunken shenanigans.

An inside source tells us that two weeks ago Republican officials went down to the Everglades to find Manigator in his trailor.  Knowing he had been an avid McCain supporter they offered to fly him to various town halls across the country.  In exchange he wanted a carton of smokes for each trip, a case of cheap beer, and an autographed picture of Megan McCain.

Since then he has been seen at town halls across the country.  In Kentucky he was videotaped saying “You ain’t gonna make me socialist!  This is America, an’ we all live ‘n breathe for American way! An’ that’s trucks ‘n stuff not, whatever.  NOBAMA!”  In Pennsylvania when the speaker asked him to please be quiet or leave, he climbed on top of the podium and, with a beer in each hand, led the crowd in chanting “Just Say No!”  At a Michigan event last week he went off on Death Panels saying “Man, jury duty’s bad enough.  But this, no way.  Uncle Sam ain’t tellin’ me what to do!”  The many rednecks in the audience began clapping wildly at his words.  Frustrated, the Democrat Senator who was there to speak threw down his notes and left the room.  The rednecks wheeled their elderly relatives whom they brought as props to the front of the room and began an impromptu wheelchair square dance.  Manigator was soon passed out in the corner with a bottle of Jack in his hands.

With these successes under their belts, Manigator’s handlers wanted to set him loose at the Obama town hall held yesterday.  Unfortunately Secret Service agents recognized the mutant at once and would not let him in to the assembly.  He spent much of the day rallying conservative supporters outside the New Hampshire school, and hitting on any woman who looked his way.   By 5pm he was running away from local police for 8 counts of public urination and stealing a policeman’s hat.

Whether Republicans will continue to use Manigator in this way is unclear.  Democrat organizers are now suggesting that anyone wishing to attend their town halls make sure their shots are up to date.

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

SARASOTA, FL – Jon and Kate Gosselin spent their 10th wedding anniversary apart last week.  While Kate played with the children at their Pennsylvania home, Jon was at a bar in Florida, with Manigator.

Jon and Kate Gosselin, made famous by their reality show “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, have had their marital troubles

Directors on the show have grown accustomed to Jon running away and hiding from his wife.  Production regularly stops while PAs find Jon, pull him out of his space, and force him to interact with his wife.

It came as no surprise during filming on Friday when Jon went missing.  After searching the entire house, filming on the episode continued.  Kate seemed mostly annoyed that her anniversary Mani-Pedi and tanning session would have to be pushed back.

Weekly World News investigators found Jon Gosselin belly up to a bar in Sarasota, Florida with half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator.

According to eye witnesses Jon strolled into the bar around 6pm looking dejected.  Jon kept mumbling about being rejected, although whether he was talking about his marriage or someone connected to the nearby circus is unknown.  Around 7pm Manigator stumbled up to the bar and recognized the television personality.

Manigator, who is currently wanted in several states and legally barred from entering Canada, struck up a conversation with the oft put down TV personality.  Jon went on a rant about being constantly rejected and the mutant took notice.  Soon the two were exchanging stories of rejection and drinking arm in arm.  For the next few hours the two alternated between crying in their drinks and offering passing women tickets “To the Gun Show!”  Just before midnight Jon put money in the jukebox and the two sang along to “I Got You, Babe.”

At the end of the night Jon settled their tab and the two stumbled off into the street.  What happened next is unknown, but the two are believed to be involved with dozens of lawn gnomes that were stolen in the area and later found on a beach spelling out “minus 9!”

THE EVERGLADES – Elusive cryptid Manigator has found himself in trouble yet again.  The half-man half-alligator mutant is listed on DontDateHimGirl.com

DontDateHimGirl.com is a website where women can anonymously post the name, photograph and a brief profile of men they have dated.  Manigator, currently wanted in four states, has a record 86 comments on his profile.  Some of these are as follows:

“This guy is an ****, and not the old world southern gentleman he claims to be. He got banned from entering Alabama on our first date. No matter what he says, he is not with Military Intelligence.”

“This man will tell you lies.  For my birthday he bought me $50 in lotto tickets, with my own credit card.  When I confronted him about it, he tried to play for sympathy saying his life has been so hard; that he never knew his father and his mother left him because he’s different.  He was crying, it was so pathetic I gave him a hug.  Then he started unhooking my bra!  Little Creep!”

“He does Not know Ben Affleck!  He got drunk and passed out in Ben Affleck’s pool.  Ben Affleck got a restraining order when Animal Control said it was outside of their jurisdiction.  If he says he knows Ben Affleck, it is a LIE!  I got maced by Jennifer Garner!”

“I Bet He’s Gay!  It’s basic Psychology People!  Don’t be Fooled!”  However this woman had left that exact same comment on over 3000 other profiles.

There was only one rebuttal defending Manigator, from an anonymous poster in Alaska.  “He doesn’t know how to feed and clean himself properly, but he always made me feel pretty when nobody else would.”

This is not the first time the public has been warned about Manigator’s felonious past.  Similar sites, like CryptiDate, MutantMatch and ValidateMyVictimhood have warned women about dating Manigator.  GitOffMyLawn, PeskyCritters, and AffleckNews have chronicled more of his drunken exploits.  In the mid-nineties, he had an entire episode of America’s Most Wanted dedicated to his federal offenses.

When reporters tried to reach Manigator for comment, his trailer was empty and apparently had been vandalized by a mob of bitter exes.

FORT MYERS, FL – Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, have broken up.  Now Bristol has been spotted with notorious ex-con Manigator.

Inside sources say that Bristol’s family would not let Levi in their home to see the baby, and often referred to them as “white trash,” based on his mother’s recent methamphetamine conviction and the family trailer going into foreclosure.  This only fueled their breakup.  Determined to further anger her parents Bristol went looking for someone even trashier, the half-man half-alligator Manigator.

Recently Bristol happily posed for photographs on the arm of former convict Manigator at a south Florida T.G.I. Fridays.  The couple seemed to be enjoying themselves; Bristol fed him curly fries most of the night and Manigator kept motioning for ‘high fives’ from anyone who walked by him, shouting, “Milf!  Barely Legal Milf!”

Palin’s breakup with former fiancé Levi Johnston comes as a surprise to the news media.  In a phone interview with Johnston, held at a payphone since his line had been disconnected, he confirmed that they had split up for “mutual reasons” and still “remain friends.”

Like many breakups, this one will include tattoo removal.  Levi will need to have removed the name Bristol he had tattooed on his ring finger.

When Manigator was asked if this was all simply a publicity stunt he stared at the reporters blankly then shouted “Look at them curves!  Sexy Momma curves and she ain’t runnin away!”  He proceeded to slap the seated Bristol’s thigh hard enough she made a face.

The young Ms. Palin went on to say that allegations she makes it “nearly impossible” for Levi to see the baby are untrue.  In fact neither of them have seen the baby in weeks, as it is usually being taken care of by a team of nannies or used as a political prop by Governor Sarah Palin.

After already admitting that abstinence only policies do not work, Bristol does not feel her situation should reflect poorly on teenage marriages based on unplanned pregnancies.

Upon leaving the restaurant an equally drunk and elated Manigator was heard to say “Nah man, this woman loves me! She LOVES me, man!” as Bristol struggled to lift him into a car to drive him home.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – After an altercation with police Monday night, the half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator has been banned from Tuesday’s Mardi Gras celebrations.

Police were called in Monday when Manigator became belligerent, disputing the results of a Wet T-Shirt contest.  When authorities arrived the clearly inebriated cryptid was standing on the bar shouting, “Those judges were in the tank, ‘n I declare a mistrial!”  Witnesses saw him be carried into the back of a cruiser still slurring loudly, “I demands a recount!  S’in the Consi’tushun!  Recount!”

In court this morning a judge ordered Manigator be banned from all celebrations, and will remain in a jail cell until Thursday.

Native to the Florida Everglades, Manigator visits Mardi Gras religiously. Due to his imprisonment, this will mark the first year since he was discovered that the mutant will not be arrested during the festivities.

Over the years, Manigator has been taken into custody for outstanding drunkenness and public indecency, harassing tourists, having an unregistered float in the parade (him on a red wagon), holding unlicensed séances for tourists, throwing a ‘pre-game cockfight’ which failed due to using hens, and stealing bead necklaces off of children.

When the judge asked Manigator if he had any final words before sentence was carried out, he said “Yer ‘Oner, I hold true to mah beliefs: number six should have won it and fer that blonde girl to get all the money is a miscarriage of justice.”

Court was closed and sentence carried out.  Upon leaving Manigator said he will be contacting the ACLU and the United Cryptid Defense Fund to file an appeal.

VICTORIA, BC – Pro wrestler Chris Jericho was assaulted after a match this weekend.  It now seems Manigator, the half-man half-alligator mutant, started the fight.

While leaving the arena after a match, WWE wrestler Jericho was surrounded in his rental car by several angry fans.  The fans were furious at his ‘bad guy’ wrestling persona.  Jericho got out of his vehicle and a fight quickly broke out.

New evidence has surfaced in which a small reptile man can be seen starting the fight.

Cell phone videos show Manigator leading the crowd surrounding Jericho’s vehicle.  Dropping one can of beer and spilling the other, Manigator climbed on to the hood of the car.  Jericho can be heard swearing loudly at the sight of the drunken cryptid.  Manigator then began jumping on the hood to further encourage the crowd, but quickly became sick and vomited all over the windshield.
This was the point when Jericho had enough and got out of the car.

At first he was successful in getting the crowds attention, and calming the mob by reminding them he was really Chris Irvine, and not his character Chris Jericho.  But Manigator screamed “Hulkamania Forever!” and sucker punched him from behind; that was when the fight broke out in earnest.

Chris Irvine has since apologized for his actions and will face no disciplinary action.

Manigator is an avid wrestling fan, and often stows away on planes to attend matches outside of his native Florida.  Due to this incident, his status as Persona Non Grata banning him from entering Canada has been renewed for the another year.

CAPE CORAL, FL – An alligator was found trapped in a manhole, and mischievous mutant Manigator claims he had nothing to do with it.

Construction workers had stumbled upon the alligator when they removed the manhole cover to check some pipes. Trappers were called, who attempted to lure the gator out with recorded mating calls, but it would not budge.

Officials quickly turned to Cape Coral’s newest resident Manigator for an explanation, who played dumb. It is believed the half-man half-alligator mutant dared his cousin into going into the sewers, but Manigator is adamant about no wrongdoing: “No way, nuh uh, I ain’t (hiccup) never done nothing like that! Billy Joe (hiccup) ended up down there by himself, ain’t got nothing to do with (hiccup) me!”

Although clearly inebriated, Manigator was forced by the Sherriff to help in the removal process. He alone was able to lure the reptile out with homebrewed swamp water moonshine and issues of adult magazine Live Young Gators.

When police warned them not to play near sewers again, Manigator gave him the finger and scurried off into the trees with Billy Joe.

BURLINGTON, VT – Over the holidays, Matt Dillon was arrested for driving 106mph in rural Vermont.  His reason for doing so: “Manigator made me do it.”

According to police reports Matt Dillon claims that he met Manigator in a dive in New York City and the two hit it off.  After several hours, Dillon agreed to give the half-man half-alligator a ride.

Shortly after beginning their trip, Manigator began taunting Dillon for the way he drove, encouraging to him to go faster and faster.

“Partly I wanted to shut him up, but mostly I just wanted to get to Maine faster so I could drop him off and be rid of him.”

As soon as the police arrived, according to Dillon, Manigator began to panic and leapt out the window before the car had even come to a complete stop.  Police did not see the cryptid, only the dozens of cheep beer cans he left scattered in the floorboard.  Dillon said “Come on, I don’t drink that crap!  I’m Matt Dillon!”

He then began to shout about a half-man half-alligator with a drinking problem, so police brought him in for questioning and several drug tests.

Dillon is currently being charged with excessive speeding and authorities are on the lookout for Manigator.  No one is sure why he may be going to Maine, but all nursing homes in the state have been placed on high alert.