NEW YORK CITY – An earthquake hit Manhattan this afternoon.  Donald Trump’s hair didn’t move.

An earthquake hit Virginia, but major tremors were felt all the way up in Manhattan.  Screaming New  Yorkers ran out of buildings into the streets= many of them were naked.

“We’re on the 11th Floor and I felt the building sway back and forth.  We grabbed our Bat Boy bobbleheads and headed for Union Square Park,”  tax attorney and ventriloquist,  Chas Collins,  told WWN.  “We sang campfire songs and smoked pot.  But I was still shaking.”

Frightened New Yorkers were seen running across 42nd Street, heading for the Hudson River.  “New Yorkers have been told for years that if there ever was an earthquake,  they should run over to the Hudson River, jump in and swim for Hoboken.  So, a lot of New Yorkers were doing just that.  And Hoboken was ready – with water guns.”

The quake’s epicenter was in Mineral, Virginia, southwest of DC, in the middle of Virginia. The magnitude was 5.9 -upgraded from an initial reading of 5.8.

In DC, Federal authorities were quick to apprehend the earthquake:

Apparently there were tremors felt as far away as Martha’s Vineyard, Detroit and parts of Ohio. That’s a really wide area of impact for a relatively small quake.  Study this map and memorize it.  It will help you when the next earthquake hits.

The stock market dipped when the earthquake hit, but the Dow ended up.  Gold was also up, but real estate fell another 10%.

Donald Trump panicked that his hair might go out of place from the shaking.  But, thank God, Trump’s hair didn’t move.

Here is Trump’s hair before the quake:

And here is Trump’s hair after the quake:

The earthquake also hit Martha’s Vineyard where President Obama was playing golf.  “Yes, The President felt it and he was extremely annoyed -  the quake made him miss his putt!” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Back in New York,  the NYPD checked buildings making sure people were evacuated and they arrested looters and clown.  “Earthquakes always bring out the clowns,” said NYPD Police Officer Neil Gondra.  The damage in New York was minimal.   “We got lucky this time,” said Mayor Bloomberg.  “I take credit for that.”

Tragedy avoided in Manhattan.  We won’t be seeing this:

NEW YORK – There was red hot streak shooting over Manhattan last night!

The sighting came one day after a mysterious condensation trail was spotted off the coast of California. Speculation over the object that caused it ranged from a fired missile to a contrail from a commercial airliner.

Most government experts are saying that an airplane caused a vapor trail, but aerospace scientists do not believe that’s the case.  “They are covering something up,” said Professor John Engeman of M.I.T.   “People are used to see vapor trails or condensation trails, this is something different.”

What went down over the skies of NYC Wednesday was just the latest in a series of weird events that have captivated tri-state area residents over the last few years. Back on Oct. 13, CBS 2 cameras captured objects in the sky while shooting up above Chelsea at 23rd Street and Eighth Avenue.

Local media and the NYPD received several calls throughout that afternoon.

However, as CBS 2 cameras showed, the objects appeared to be yellow balloons, although there was initially no official confirmation from the NYPD. On the streets below there was a lot of intrigue about the mystery that was going on up above.

Strange sightings in the sky are not new to our area. Back in January of 2009, odd red, blinking lights could be seen across Morris County, N.J., and officials thought they had figured out what caused them.

Some are saying that the red streak was actually a chemtrail – chemical agents that the government is spreading over the city, to spread biological agents into the population.  “It makes sense that they are chemtrails,” said Engeman.  “the government and Mayor Bloomberg have been trying to conrol the citizens of Manhattan for the last year.  And, you know what, it’s working.”

Here’s a news report.  Once again, the red hot streak was dismissed as “condensation trails” before anyone had a chance to fully examine the incident.  Hmmm….

NEW YORK – A woman moves into a treehouse in her backyard in Manhattan.

Melinda Hackett, 49, put up a round, cedar treehouse for her girls in a broad-trunked London Plane tree in her tiny Greenwich Village backyard, a neighbor called about “a structure in rear which is nailed to a tree” and “looks unsafe,” with no construction permit posted, according to a complaint filed with the city.

“I got home and the police were at the door,” says Hackett, a 49-year-old artist. “Then firefighters came.”

After months of legal battles, Hackett triumphed. Her girls’ treehouse, apparently unique in one of America’s most densely populated areas, can not only stay — it’s been granted landmark status.

Soon after Melinda and her girls moved into the treehouse full-time.

Though the treehouse is only five years old, Hackett’s townhouse is from the 1860s, and she bought it from musician David Byrne of the Talking Heads. The city’s Landmarks Preservation Commission decided to grant the treehouse a permit because it’s part of a historic landmark district.

Any addition or change on such property requires approval with a permit, and architect Robert Strong filed Hackett’s structure under “recreation equipment” allowed in a backyard, according to a city zoning resolution.

A single mother of three girls, ages 11, 13 and 16, the artist got the idea for her urban respite from a friend who knew two carpenters who had built one on Shelter Island, just off Long Island.
“She said, ‘You should have one on your big tree!’” Hackett says.

I came from the country with three little girls who were used to running around,” their mother says. “I wanted them to have an oasis of calm in the city, a private space.”

The treehouse was started months after she bought the property on West 12th Street from Byrne, a decade-long resident. In the backyard stands the proud London Plane, stretching high into the sky above the four-story townhouse beneath it.

Carpenters Nick Cohen and Ashley Koral worked on the project on and off for about five months.
“I just told them I like circular things,” says Hackett, whose art is filled with circles in vivid colors.
Her ground-floor painting studio has a view of the treehouse — and of a swing made from old firewood that hangs from a branch, next to a bird feeder that attracts cardinals, blue jays and doves.

“It’s a beautiful treehouse; it has a beautiful design,” says architect Robert Strong, who helped Hackett unravel the red tape threatening her treehouse. “It’s wonderful the way it encompasses the branches; it’s completely rounded, flowing much like the tree.”
But Hackett’s neighbor, who she says “didn’t love that I had moved in here with two dogs and three kids,” wasn’t as appreciative.  The neighbor wanted Hackett thrown out of her building and “sent back upstate.”

That didn’t happen.  But Hackett and her girls are now living full-time in the tree house.

A treehouse grows in Manhattan.

NEW YORK, NY – Tiger Woods is single and ready to mingle. First stop – the Big Apple!

There is no doubt that New York City is the city that never sleeps. It’s a city filled with everything your heart could desire – food, entertainment … dating. When it comes to the dating scene and sparking your love life, NYC is chock full of eligible and attractive singles. Tiger Woods knows this and is ready to cash in.

The Tiger is back on the prowl. According to Us Magazine, the golfer moved into a new apartment in downtown Manhattan over the weekend. There’s no better way to take advantage of the opportunities that NYC has to offer than actually putting yourself in the city. Woods has taken care of that and is ready to take applications for girlfriend No. 13 … or is it 14? We lost count…

A neighbor told Us that Woods, 34, was “introducing himself as the new neighbor.”

The move comes less than a week after the philanderers divorce was finalized from Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren – after nearly six years of marriage.

Ladies beware – the Tiger is hungry and he wants to feast.

NEW YORK, NY – Despite her girth, the World’s Fattest Cat was able to sneak into the “Quantum of Solace” premiere in Manhattan.

Tonya, the World’s Fattest (and dare we say, most beloved) Cat, gate-crashed the American premiere of the new James Bond film, “Quantum of Solace”.

Publicists are still unsure how she got in, but she may have only used that famous charm. As any gossip column reader would know, many a security guard has fallen for her allure.

Tonya was even so bold as to sashay down the red carpet in a new custom-fitted ensemble! Her 300 pound heft makes it difficult for her to buy clothing, however, after her rise to C-level stardom through reality show appearances, designers are beginning to take notice.

The film’s star Daniel Craig also took notice, and soon sidled up for a chat. Unfortunately, Tonya coughed up the World’s Biggest Hairball onto his shoes. He merely smiled, wiped them on the red carpet, and took her paw to escort her into the theater. She’s still got it!

NEW YORK, NY – Following three years of repair, the USS Intrepid’s return to Manhattan was greeted by the Tri-State Area’s only known Kraken.

The decommissioned WWII battleship returns to its dock, reopening the Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum. Spectators were delighted as the Battleship approached the city, and even more surprised when Grakkle the Kraken emerged in dramatic fashion sending waves crashing over the Intrepid.

Executive Director of the Intrepid Museum, Susan Marenoff commented, “It was such a pleasure to have Grakkle rise in honor of the Intrepid’s return. We had no idea he was in the area, or a fan of the museum. We’re hoping to have him participate in an upcoming exhibition on the role of US Warships in the Kraken-Great Squid Battle of 1948.”

Viewers were treated to a nautical display not seen in recent decades. While Grakkle was once a common site along the coast of Manhattan, Coney Island, and the Long Island Sound, he been much more reclusive as of late.

“I was delighted to see two of New York City’s treasures together,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters, “but my fear is that the rise of Grakkle is a portent for something brewing under the waters of New York. We really cannot afford another Kraken outlash against our trade ships. Not in this economy.”