NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world.  For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks.  The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.

Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters.  Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.

Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.”    Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue.  After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa.  Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.

Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children.  “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.”  He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender.  “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”

Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.

What kind of mischief did the world’s most famous mutant get into this year?

#5. BAT BOY STEALS NEW WARCRAFT GAME

Bat Boy obtained the new World of Warcraft expansion pack through a combination of thievery and sheer fear.

#4. BAT BOY SCARES MALL SANTA

Bat Boy’s attempts to be a normal child fail again with non-jolly results.

#3. BAT BOY BACKS OBAMA

Bat Boy made his first political endorsement after being swayed by Obama’s half-bat half-brother, Obatma.

#2. BAIL OUT BOY

Henry Paulson turned to Bat Boy to help solve the country’s financial crisis with bat guano.

#1. BAT BOY HATES PROP 8

Bat Boy made his squeaks heard at a Proposition 8 protest.

NEW YORK, NY – Holiday shoppers at Macy’s Department Store were surprised this week when PhD Ape brought his son and niece to meet Santa for the first time.

Junior was excited to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas. PhD Ape’s niece Bobo managed to sit still long enough to take a photo with Santa before running off to eat the candy cane picket fence in front of Santa’s Workshop.

“Junior wouldn’t tell me what he asked for,” PhD Ape told reporters outside Macy’s. “But I’m pretty sure it involved bananas, a rope swing, and a Wii Fit.”

“If he’s a good boy, he’ll also have asked for new slippers and a box of Cubans for his father.” PhD Ape said with a wink.

During his lunch break, reporters asked Santa about meeting the young ape children.

“It was a little unnerving, to be honest. I thought they were adorable, sweet little things, but then Junior asked me if I have daddy issues and if that’s why I feel the need to provide children with love and presents.”

“He asked if I crave the approval of my peers. He is definitely his father’s son.”

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag