BREAKING NEWS – Osama bin Laden was spotted in Tehran yesterday!

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, startled the world this morning, by announcing that Osama bin Laden is alive and well and living in Tehran.

Ahmadinejad says bin Laden is living comfortable inside a guarded compound north of Tehran. He is surrounded by his third wife and a few children. He keeps a low profile, is allowed limited travel and, in exchange for silence, is given a comfortable life under the protection of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard.

Just yesterday Al Qaeda leaders confirmed that Osama bin Laden was dead, but Ahmadinejad brushed off that suggestion.  “Osama and I have been watching Fox News and CNN the last few days.  We find the fictitious stories coming out of Washington laughable.”

Ahmadinejad said that Osama bin Laden has been in Tehran since 2003.

The White House was quick to respond.  “We knew all along that there would be conspiracy theories, and doubters.   The Iranian president can indulge in his fantasies, but Osama bin Laden is dead,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.

Ahmadinejad called Carney an “American idiot” and went on to say that Carney and the White House had “changed their story about the killing of Osama bin Laden eighteen times since Sunday.”

Iranian leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, also went on Al Jazeera to also state that Osama bin Laden was alive.  “He is relaxed and healthy,” said Khamenei.  “He is ready to fight again.”

Americans around the globe are outraged at Iran’s claim, but not surprised.  “Ahmadinejad is just panicking – he knows he’s next!” said Tommy Flanagan of Newton, MA.

TEHRAN – Iran announced that it has built the world’s first flying saucer.

The Iranian News Agency announced the unveiling of the Ayatollah Seyed Ali Khamene Flying Saucer in a special ceremony last week. The unmanned craft is aparently intended largely for aerial imaging and spotting infidels that may be hovering above Iran in outer space.

The flying saucer is named “Zohal” (which translates to “Saturn” in Persian) and is part of a “new generation of vertical flyers,” according to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who said:

“We have created the greatest flying saucer ever made in the universe! “

Zohal, designed and developed jointly by Farnas Aerospace Company and Iranian Aviation and Space Industries Association (IASIA), can be used for various missions, specially for aerial imaging.

The flying machine is equipped with an auto-pilot system, GPS (Global Positioning System) and two separate imaging systems with full HD 10 mega-pixel picture quality and is able to take and send images simultaneously.

But Ahmadinejad said that the flying saucer will be operated by several aliens from Planet Zeeba.  These aliens are close friends of the Iranian government – according to Ahmadinejad.

Zohal uses a small, portable navigation and monitoring center for transmission of data and images and can fly in both outdoor and indoor spaces.

There are some skeptics.  “No way they made a flying saucer,” said Chuck Bench, chief astrophysicist at NASA.  “It’s a fake.”

“It is not a fake. Chuck Bench is a fake,” said Ahmadinejad.  “We have beat NASA once again, and they are jealous!”

JORDAN -  Mideast leaders agree – Satan has taken control of Hillary Clinton’s body.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, who has been in the mideast trying to broker a deal between the Israelis and the Palestinians, has been acting extremely odd in recent days.

Everywhere she goes, parties on both side of the peace talks have noticed something unusual about her lately – and are frightened.  “She appears to be possessed by a demon spirit,”  said Palestinian leader, Mahmoud Abbas. “Her eyes become red, her skin goes pale white and, we her head spin around.”  Some of her aides said they saw blood shoot out of her eyes.

In Jerusalem last week, it was reported that Clinton suffered a number of seizures and convulsions while at The Wailing Wall. ”  Jewish leader,  Dov Kozlovich, said  ”She was shrieking, yelling about the end of the world and her husband.  The dogs and cats in the area ran away – and they are still running.”   Secretary Clinton was tackled by Israeli guards and temporarily put in strait jacket.

The demonic possession has also made Secretary Clinton overly consumed with sexual thoughts.  We were discussing the West Bank and she pulled off her blouse and told me that she wanted to “ride me like a camel!”  Aides say, the Secretary of State was rubbing her breasts and sticking out her tongue, licking it.  ”It was horrifying,” said her local translator.

The U.S. Secret Service whisked Secretary Clinton back to her hotel, where two of them say she raped them.

“She’s definitely possessed,” said Secret Service Agent, Chris Blanton.  “Her eyes were bulging out of her head and I couldn’t get away from her.  It was awful.  The sex was incredible, sure, but I was frightened for my life very second.”

In a rare show of religious unity, Jewish and Muslim leaders have called on The Catholic Church to send an exorcist to Jordan to remove the demon spirit from Secretary Clinton’s body.

In an odd way, the demonic possession of Hillary Clinton has brought Palestinians and Israelis together. “We are all afraid of that evil woman. Please send her back to the U.S. now,” said Abbas.

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said that this proves everything that he has always aid about America.  “America is The Great Satan and the members of this administration are Satan’s spawn.  I told you so.”

The Exorcism of Hillary Clinton is planned for this Saturday in Rome.  It will be a pay-per-view event.  Call your cable company now, you don’t want to miss it!

HAVANA – Fidel Castro admitted that the Cuban system doesn’t work and hopped a raft for America.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. The former Cuban president made the jaw-dropping comment to WWN.  The ailing Cuban leader’s remarks came almost as an aside over lunch recently in Havana.

“The Cuban model doesn’t even work anymore, and never has,” Castro told WWN.   We were stunned by his comment and were not sure we heard him correctly so asked the interpreter if Castro was, in fact, denouncing the Cuban Revolution and his five decades of dictatorship.

“Yes,” Juanita Hidalgo, Castro’s interpreter said.  “He has rejected the ideas of the Revolution and was acknowledging that the Cuban model is wrong and has always been wrong.  The state should not have a big role in the economic life of this country or any country.”

Castro went on to say that he felt President Barack Obama, was turning America into Cuba.  “He is a dictator, like myself.  But he is growing the government too big.  It will destroy America as a world power.”  Castro went on to denounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his views on the “Jews.”  He also denounced Mel Gibson.  “The man is a fool.  I ordered my people to destroy all Mel Gibson films in Cuba.  Except Braveheart.  I love Braveheart.”

Castro, faced with the dilemma of renouncing the Cuban government, while still being its de facto leader, decided to hop on a raft and head for Miami.  “He just left the building and had his driver take him to the beach.  He hopped on a raft with about thirty other Cubans looking for freedom,” Hidalgo said.

Castro, though sick for years, still needed five Cubans to counter-balance him on the other side of the makeshift raft.  Cubans lined the beaches and watched Castro and his crew float away toward America.

Raul Castro, Fidel’s brother and the President of the Cuban Council of State, was deciding whether to send the army out to sea to get his brother.  “My brother has lost his mind.  The Cuban way of life is the best in the world, just ask Michael Moore.”   Several reporters challenged Raul on his assertion, but before he could answer the reporters were taken outside and shot.

“Never trust the media. That’s the first rule for any good government,” said Raul.

Fidel Castro is expected to wash ashore in Miami this Saturday.   First one to spot him wins… Gloria Estefan’s latest CD!

FRANCE – Carla Bruni is back in the news. WWN first revealed that Bruni was immortal and was far beyond your mere first lady. Stay-tuned as more will follow tomorrow!

Recent findings reveal that French First Lady Carla Bruni has been alive since at least the early Hellenic Period. Dr. Andrei Cyriakis has uncovered artifacts off the coast of Sicily dating back to 300 BC which bear an unmistakable resemblance to the model/singer.

Dr. Cyriakis’ find would help explain several events since Bruni began her courtship with French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy.

Last February a bus full of schoolchildren were saved from an avalanche near Lyon by what witnesses described as “a beautiful angel” wearing a designer Christian Dior dress similar to the one Bruni wore that evening to dinner with the Queen of Jordan.

Since her arrival in New York for the UN General Assembly, reports of street crime have dropped 83%. A woman matching Bruni’s description was seen flying away from an explosion at an abandoned warehouse in Queens shortly before her husband’s reception with the Eli Wiesel Humanitarian Foundation.

For reasons yet unknown Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was seen staring at Mrs. Bruni this morning at the United Nations building with clenched fists saying “Next time. Next time…”

Exactly how old she is or where she came from remain a mystery, but the scientific community and Weekly World News will keep searching for the truth.

TEHRAN – Despite repeated crackdowns, protests in Iran continue.  To calm and distract the populace, Ahmedinejad staged a tribute to Michael Jackson.

Since last week’s elections, violence continues on the streets of Iran.  Citizens keep protesting on the streets of Iran what they believe to be an unfair election.  But government authorities, police and national guard have suppressed their dissent violently.

In an effort to distract his people from the election, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad organized a special tribute to Michael Jackson.  Broadcast on state television this weekend, the tribute video was a restaging of Jackson’s Smooth Criminal starring the Iranian Dictator.

Filmed on a government soundstage in Tehran, the video opens on Ahmedinejad, wearing a white pinstripe suit and blue shirt, entering a 1930’s style club.  Going to the back of the club he approaches a gangster, Mr. Big, who appears to be an Armani clad overweight version of Uncle Sam.

Mr. Big sits in a large chair atop a cage holding several Iranian children.  Ahmedinejad accuses Mr. Big of having stolen the “Hearts and Minds of Iran’s youth” and demands he return them.  The villain only laughs and orders his men to shoot Ahmedinejad.

The Iranian Leader throws a coin into a jukebox, which have been outlawed in Iran since 1982, that starts to play.  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad leads the gangsters in dancing to Smooth Criminal in a low budget recreation of Michael Jackson’s famous video.  Dancers for the video were taken from Iran’s popular show “So You Think You Can Dance for the Glory of Allah?”

Using his “Dance Magic” to distract the gangsters, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad frees the children and escapes.  Shortly the magic wears off and Mr. Big orders his men to follow “That cursed yet benevolent man!”  Ahmedinajad and the children are soon surrounded by the gangster and his men.

Looking to the sky Ahmedinejad sees a crescent moon and star, and drawing power from the Iranian people, turns into a giant Iranian robot.  The robot looks suspiciously like an original 1984 Optimus Prime doll, repainted with the Iranian national colors.  In a dazzling stop motion animation sequence cut together with stock news footage of explosions, the giant Ahmedinejad robot dispatches the American gangsters and saves the day.

Ratings for the broadcast cannot yet be determined, but State sponsored media insists that it was incredibly popular despite millions of Iranians saying otherwise.

TEHRAN – While violence continues to rock Iran over election results, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad went into a funk after President Obama never returns his calls.

Throughout Iran, millions of citizens continue to take to the streets to voice opposition to this week’s election.  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s victory is seen as highly questionable by many independent authorities and millions of Iranian citizens are rioting over alleged abuse of the democratic system.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has since become a weepy recluse.  Sources say it began when President Obama said he would call to offer support but never did.  White House sources say, “The President said he MAY call, it was never anything definite.”  The Iranian President was heartbroken to be denied emotional support in this trying time from Obama, whom he thought shared a special kinship.

Since then the Iranian President has spent most of his time locked in his room, eating cookie dough and watching Meg Ryan movies.  Officials within the White House have even confirmed that they have had to call block Ahmadinejad’s personal number since he has tried to call Obama 853 times over the past 4 days.

The US government is withholding any official comment regarding Iran or the election until the legitimacy of the election is verified.

Early on Monday, Ahmadinejad flew to Russia to meet with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and China’s Hu Jintao who have offered their emotional support over pints of Chunky Monkey.  The leaders are expected to talk about the evils of American globalization and trade agreements over the next few days over apple-tinis and a “Sex and the City” marathon.

WASHINGTON, DC – The US has proposed engaging in direct diplomacy with Iran, and President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad appears happy to participate.

On his sixth day in office, President Obama said he wished to engage in diplomacy with the rogue state.  Not long thereafter, a large vase of flowers arrived at the White House from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

The note on the bouquet did not state directly whom they were from.  But Weekly World News investigators have discovered the text of the note which reads: “Your words are sweet like baklava at the end of a 40 day fast.  Yours, MA.”  Sources within the intelligence community confirm this is most likely from Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

Exactly what this message may mean is still up for debate.  Though staunchly conservative, Arabic cultures allow much more affection to be shown between male friends.  It is possible that this is a culturally mistranslated note of thanks for extending a diplomatic hand.  However, sources within the CIA confirm that Ahmedinejad is a huge Meg Ryan fan, so it is also possible he was feeling sentimental at the time.

Contained within the bouquet was a 1987 Casio cassette player microphone.  Whether this was intended to be a recording device or contained a mix tape to the President is still unknown.

The Obama administration has made no comment about the flower delivery.  Plans to dispatch special envoy George Mitchell to the Middle East are still under way, but Mitchell has been spotted stocking up on Russell Stover chocolate boxes.

TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmedinejad shocked the world this week by appearing on a one hour Christmas special broadcast on the BBC.

“Iranian Mountain Holiday with Mahmoud Ahmedinejad” was broadcast on BBC World satellite television station, to the offense and confusion of many.

Greeting the world in a seasonal appliqué sweater, the Iranian dictator hosted the special featuring holiday songs, skits, and numerous special guests. Arabic pop singers and entertainer appeared on the show, taking place on a soundstage poorly constructed to look like a cabin in the mountains. In several of the scenes a boom mic or automatic rifle could be seen pointing at the entertainers.

Several puppets made out of burlap sacks with “US NAVY” still written on them appeared throughout the special, singing cheery songs with Ahmedinejad. Fatima Al-Shiraz, a classically trained Persian singer, brought the host and several members of the attending death squad to tears with her rendition of Silent Night.

Ahmedinejad then took a moment to have a fire-side chat directly with the audience. The despot called upon people of all faiths and backgrounds to come together in a spirit of peace and cooperation. He then gave a coded message to all his friends with an “Ahmedinejad Secret Decoder Pin.” The CIA has refused to comment on the messages translation.