Hey, Madonna: Why go halfway across the world to find somebody living in squalor, when we’ve got a poor African living right here?

Aunt Obama is an illegal alien who lives in the projects in Boston, and was supposed to get shipped back to Ooongaboongaland years ago. OK, Aunt Obama isn’t cute and little and covered in flies. But she’s still a real live African and hey, if Madonna adopted her, they’d both get to visit the White House sometimes, and they’d both love that!

I say why not? If Obama’s aunt was a Mexican, no one would even care! They didn’t deport boozehound Billy Carter or Bill Clinton’s crazy brother, did they? They didn’t ship half the Kennedys back to Ireland. And they’ve all been more trouble than this old broad.

Except she’s been living off the taxpayer’s dime, that is. Her nephew made millions off his boring books but he couldn’t buy her a nice little house? I guess that idea never came up on Obama’s Teleprompter!

The aunt’s lawyer says we can’t send her back because some fights have broken out back home between her tribe and another one, probably over who gets to drive the dead dictator’s 1978 Mercedes this week, or who turned whose wife into a goat.

Speaking of which, that Madonna’s looking pretty bad these days. I never thought she was that great to begin with, but let’s just say Guy Ritchie’s idea of a hot toy for the bedroom must’ve been The Clapper!

MALAWI – Madonna’s adoption hearing in Malawi was held behind closed-doors today, further fueling rumors that she is after an alien child!

Pop singer Madonna has two children from previous relationships, but also adopted a son from Malawi in 2006. She has since released a documentary on the plight of children orphaned due to the AIDS crisis.

However, actress Angelina Jolie has received far more publicity for her three adopted children and humanitarian work, and Madonna has taken it personally. In order to one-up Jolie, Madonna is going off-planet for her next child!

Anonymous sources have reported that the singer went back to Malawi to smokescreen the press. Although she is meeting with Malawian adoption officials, the process is actually for a young alien child that was found in the Great Rift Valley. In exchange for officials giving her the child, Madonna has promised to donate thousands of bottles of Kabbalah water to remote villages.

It is rumored that Madonna will keep the alien child away from paparazzi until they pose together for the June 2009 cover of Vanity Fair’s diversity issue.