Johanna Quaas, the lycra-donning granny whose muscular physique puts Madonna to shame.

At 86 Quass, of Halle, Saxony, would be forgiven for wanting to put her feet up, which she does – over her head that is.

And her gymnastic prowess is not the only trophy in her cabinet, she was once a member of the East German handball champion team, too.

More than fifty years on she still steals the show from her younger rivals, as a multiple time senior champion of artistic gymnastics in Germany.

As she performs routines with the balance, strength and flexibility of a 20-year-old, this geriatric granny could easily be a quarter of her age – were it not for her tell-tale curly bob of snow-white hair and specs balanced on her nose.

Laura Cox
Daily Mail 

Following the Golden Globes, the dispute between Elton John and Madonna escalated so… they stepped into the ring

Elton John was visibly upset during the Golden Globes, but it got even worse when Madonna’s “Masterpiece” won for Best Original Song over a ballad Elton wrote for Gnomeo and Juliet.

Elton John’s 49-yeard-old husband, David Furnish, took to his Facebook pageand said, “Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.”

Elton John, himself,  talked negatively about about Madonna on the red carpet before the awards started and ranted about “the old hag” after the Golden Globes.

Sir Elton started the battle when he said that Madonna did not “have a f**king chance of winning”.  When a reporter asked if ‘those were fighting words?’ he replied: ‘No, those are accurate words.’

Madonna retaliated, saying: “Was he wearing a dress?” adding, “May the best man win.”

After she won Madonna said, “I hope he speaks to me for the next couple of years. He’s known to get mad at me. He’s brilliant and I adore him, so he will win another award. And I don’t feel bad!”

The harsh criticism towards the iconic singer was the second time Madonna had been attacked by the couple as Elton John predicted that she would not win.

The feud escalated today in Los Angeles, and Madonna challenged John to a three-round boxing match.  Elton John wanted to prove he wasn’t just “another Madonna b*tch”, so he took her up on the challenge.

John, Furnish, Madonna and their entourages went to Gold’s Gym in Venice, California and stepped into a makeshift ring outside.   Madonna didn’t bother to tell Elton that she teaches boxing back in England.

Elton looked the part and Furnish was on the edge of the ring hurling insults at Madonna.   He yelled at her,  “I hoping Elton hits you in the face, maybe he can make some improvements.  Your face looks like a ass of a dead mule.”

The bell rang and Madonna approached John.  One punch and Elton was down – and out.  “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” she said over him.  “And ‘your song’ sucks.”

Madonna walked to the corner of the ring and punched out Furnish as well.  Then she had the Gold’s Gym staff, play her song “Masterpiece” at full volume.

Will there be a rematch?

NEW YORK -  Lady Gaga is being sued by Madonna for plagiarism.  Gaga’s explanation:  “I’m retarded.”

Lady Gaga is being accused of plagiarism for her song “Born This Way” and the comparisons to Madonna’s hit “Express Yourself.”

Here’s Madonna expressing herself:

Madonna, who says she likes Lady Gaga, was quoted as saying, “that stupid bitch stole my song.”

Surprisingly, Lady Gaga admitted that she not only stole parts of “Express Yourself” for her song, but she is trying to steal everything about Madonna.  “I want to be Madonna, just younger.”

Lady Gaga told WWN,  “I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? Because… I’m retarded! I’m stupid and I do stupid things, get over it!”

Gaga went on to say, “If you put the songs next to each other, side by side, you can hear the similarities are not just the chord progression,” she continues. “I tried to steal her melody and her vocal style. I’m a plagiarist, it means I’m f****** retarded.”

If you’re a moron, raise your hand:

Lady Gaga confirmed that does not have any hate for  people with mental or physical disabilities. The r-word is just something people say without thinking.  “And I’m retarded, so I don’t usually think,”  Gaga said.

She’s also getting criticism, this time from religious groups, over her new song, “Judas,” told from the point of view from Mary Magdelene.

“I feel like honestly that God sent me those lyrics and that melody,” Gaga shot back, getting emotional. “When you feel a message to give to the world and people are shooting arrows through it … there’s no way for something that pure to be wrong.”

The conservative Catholic League disagreed, though they’ve also lashed out at her music video, which hasn’t even come out yet.

“Leave me alone… I’m retarded!”  Gaga said.

Check out both the Madonna song and the Gaga song.  What do you think?

Here’s Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”…

Here’s Madonna’s “Express Yourself”….

PARIS – Lady Gaga  was devastated over her canceled Paris show.
Earlier this month Weekly World News  Senior Editor, Frank Lake, recently reported that Christmas would be canceled in Britain due to severe arctic weather conditions. Now Mother Nature has attacked Europe once again. The unthinkable has occurred; a Lady Gaga concert was canceled in Paris due to a massive blizzard.

The Grammy-nominated superstar was supposed to perform at Paris’ Bercy Stadium on Sunday, but plans took a turn for the worse when old man winter released his wrath on her convoy of trucks and tour bus. French authorities banned all trucks and buses from entering the city due to many of the roads being unserviceable.

Gaga, was trapped in her tour bus over 26 hours during the deluge of snow and frozen rain. What made matters even worse was that the bathroom on the bus was clogged.

“We are having 2 pee n poo in tin cans and plastic bottles. This is awful,” tweeted Gaga about the horrific experience.  Though she did film her crew going to the bathroom in bottles for her next video.

All of her tour trucks containing lights, sound equipment and several variations of outfits made of raw meat were detained by French officials. In addition, two of Gaga’s employees were arrested as they attempted to enter the city of lights.

“We had to get the meat outfits to a new refrigeration unit as soon as possible,” explained Seth Miller, roadie for the Gaga for Gaga Tour. The units had died on the truck containing the beef and lamb apparel causing the crew to panic and attempt to break through the barricades outside of the city, resulting in their detainment.

“Today’s canceled Paris show is rescheduled for Tuesday, 2night’s show will happen as planned. I promise to give u the nights of ur life,” she tweeted Sunday.

Gaga also announced that she plans to take grammar and spelling lessons to help with her tweeting.

Here’s some Madonna, oops Gaga, video for you.  Almost at a billion views:

MUMBAI – Father of Slumdog Millionaire star Rafiq Qureshi attempted to sell his nine year old daughter for $300,000.  Madonna has put in a higher bid, hoping to add to her collection of ethnic children.

Qureshi attempted to sell his daughter Rubina Ali last week in what was really a sting operation held by British Journalists.  Rubina won the hearts of millions playing young Latika in the Oscar winning film Slumdog Millionaire.

Madonna, outraged over the controversy and desperate to appear relevant, has put in a higher bid for the girl.  After losing her bid earlier this month to adopt a child in Malawi, Madonna is still looking to add to her multiracial family.  She hopes that raising an “Oscar Child” from an impoverished slum will help her compete with Angelina Jolie.

If adopted by the pop singer, Rubina Ali would be taken from her dysfunctional parents and entered into The Madonna Care program.  Only seeing Madonna on birthdays and major holidays, Rubina would instead be raised by a team of elite nannies, all of whom are ex-special forces with Child Psychology degrees and black belts in Krav Maga.  The displaced child star would also have her own nutritionist, acupuncturist, yoga instructor, and pediatric life coach.

Groups around the world dedicated to fighting poverty are now turning their attention to Mr. Qureshi.  One Arkansas pastor is collecting funds to charter a plane to Mumbai so he and volunteers from his congregation can track down Qureshi and give him “a good old fashion country *ss whoopin’.”  This was met with cheers of “AMEN!” by all parishioners present.

The mysterious and reclusive Editor-in-Chief of Weekly World News is leaving later this morning, having taken it upon himself to personally slap Rafiq Qureshi in the face.

Hey, Madonna: Why go halfway across the world to find somebody living in squalor, when we’ve got a poor African living right here?

Aunt Obama is an illegal alien who lives in the projects in Boston, and was supposed to get shipped back to Ooongaboongaland years ago. OK, Aunt Obama isn’t cute and little and covered in flies. But she’s still a real live African and hey, if Madonna adopted her, they’d both get to visit the White House sometimes, and they’d both love that!

I say why not? If Obama’s aunt was a Mexican, no one would even care! They didn’t deport boozehound Billy Carter or Bill Clinton’s crazy brother, did they? They didn’t ship half the Kennedys back to Ireland. And they’ve all been more trouble than this old broad.

Except she’s been living off the taxpayer’s dime, that is. Her nephew made millions off his boring books but he couldn’t buy her a nice little house? I guess that idea never came up on Obama’s Teleprompter!

The aunt’s lawyer says we can’t send her back because some fights have broken out back home between her tribe and another one, probably over who gets to drive the dead dictator’s 1978 Mercedes this week, or who turned whose wife into a goat.

Speaking of which, that Madonna’s looking pretty bad these days. I never thought she was that great to begin with, but let’s just say Guy Ritchie’s idea of a hot toy for the bedroom must’ve been The Clapper!

MALAWI – Madonna’s adoption hearing in Malawi was held behind closed-doors today, further fueling rumors that she is after an alien child!

Pop singer Madonna has two children from previous relationships, but also adopted a son from Malawi in 2006. She has since released a documentary on the plight of children orphaned due to the AIDS crisis.

However, actress Angelina Jolie has received far more publicity for her three adopted children and humanitarian work, and Madonna has taken it personally. In order to one-up Jolie, Madonna is going off-planet for her next child!

Anonymous sources have reported that the singer went back to Malawi to smokescreen the press. Although she is meeting with Malawian adoption officials, the process is actually for a young alien child that was found in the Great Rift Valley. In exchange for officials giving her the child, Madonna has promised to donate thousands of bottles of Kabbalah water to remote villages.

It is rumored that Madonna will keep the alien child away from paparazzi until they pose together for the June 2009 cover of Vanity Fair’s diversity issue.

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – Middle aged pop singer Madonna is at the center of controversy again for being seen with a Brazilian model names Jesus.

Despite rumors of being in a relationship, Weekly World News reporters have discovered that the two are actually planning a nativity scene.

Madonna, recently off her walker after breaking her hip on stage, is planning on staging a multimedia interfaith Nativity Scene for release on her website.

Leaked shooting scripts describe an opening video, shot on a sound stage in London, with Madonna and Alex Rodriguez portraying Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem.  The two mount a donkey wearing a burkha, underscored by an acoustic version of “Like a Virgin.”

The travel sequence will be projected on to the side of the Catedral Metropolitana in Rio De Janeiro, the Great Wall of China, and Mount Rushmore on Christmas Eve.

Broadcast live on the web, Madonna and the hunky Jesus will complete her artistic vision in front of an audience in Glasgow.  In a highly choreographed number, Madonna will use interpretive dance to tell the story of a promised savior, which will be translated into sign language by people dressed as Vishnu, Gilgamesh, and Luke Skywalker.

In a manger that greatly resembles Islam’s Dome of the Rock, Madonna will give birth to the sexy 24 year old Jesus while the audience is sprayed with Kabbalah water.

A Rabbi, a priest, and a Pentecostal minister will shepherd on dancers in livestock costumes designed by Julie Taymor.  Each animal will have PETA slogans written on their sides.  Actors dressed as Buddha, Confucius, and Brigham Young will come bearing gifts after following a star created from a volcano by Lord Xenu.

The performance will culminate in all the characters dancing to an electro-house version of Ave Maria, serenaded by the Vienna Boys Choir dressed as angels and suspended from the ceiling on cables.

The Pope has not prepared his reaction yet.

MIAMI, FL – Rounding out her North American tour on Saturday, Madonna broke her hip mid performance.

The 50 year old pop star made the injury on stage while straddling a chair and singing “Erotic.”  During the songs refrain, her repeated pelvic thrusts came too hard, shattering her hip with a crack that silenced the 14,000 fans in attendance.

Ever the professional, Madonna continued with the performance and was brought on for three encores in a raised litter carried by four of her back-up dancers.

For the continuing European leg of her tour, the middle-aged singer hired a designer to create canes and a walker to match her leather hotpants and boustiere costume.

LOS ANGELES, CA –Guy Ritchie has accepted PhD Ape’s council after the announcement of his divorce from Madonna.

Following last week’s revelation of the much-anticipated split between film director Guy Ritchie and pop star Madonna, the renowned psychologist PhD Ape offered to help Ritchie during the difficult times ahead.

Beating out other celebrity counselors Dr. Phil and Dr. Noel Blundell, the “Sports Psychologist To To the Stars,” PhD Ape will work with Ritchie on a bi-weekly basis to make sure he does not hide from his emotions or “try to suppress the very real and difficult emotions all men feel during a divorce.”

“Divorce is just as hard on a man as it is on a woman, sometimes more so,” PhD Ape is quoted as saying.  “Too often the man takes the bulk of the blame when a relationship falls apart.  I think it is safe to assume that Madonna wore the pants in that relationship.”

Ritchie, the once highly acclaimed film director of films such as Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, saw his films fail at the box-office while acquiring widespread pans from film critics since marrying Madonna in 2000.

“Guy is a good man, a hard-working creative professional and a caring father,” PhD Ape said.  “He’ll get through this.  It won’t be easy, but a bright future lays ahead if he keeps his mind on his work, his heart open, and his eyes away from the tabloids.

“His ex is sure to grace the covers with a harem of men she is no doubt already courting.”