NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff will plead guilty to 11 charges on Thursday, but only with a very particular plea bargain.

Madoff was arrested in December for a ponzi scheme that lost $50 billion of his investors’ money, although investigators now believe it may be even more.  The 11 charges, including fraud and money laundering, could land him a prison term of 150 years and penalties of $170 billion.

With almost no real defense case, many predicted correctly that Madoff would plead guilty from the start. His only condition?

Ira Sorkin, Madoff’s attorney, explained, “My client wants to make this case as quick and painless as possible. He understands the damage he has done, he does not want to add to that by wasting taxpayers’ money. All he’s asking for is a… moderately comfortable cell, in which to live out his remaining years.”

As stated in the leaked plea bargain, this cell will need to be 18′ x 30′, to include:

• a marble fireplace (“His circulation is quite bad.”)
• carpeted floors (“Easier on his knees.”)
• weekly Swedish massages (“For his arthritis.”)
• a private chef with organic ingredients (“Intestinal issues.”)
• sauna privileges (“To clear out his lungs.”)
• two skylights (“Better for his vision.”)

According to court insiders, the judge fainted from disbelief after hearing the plea bargain. However, Sorkin took it quite differently. “He just couldn’t believe how gracious Mr. Madoff is being. It really brings a tear to the eye,” he sniffled, while grabbing a tissue.

UPDATE: Through a miraculous combination of teamwork and ingenuity, Santa Claus was saved and Christmas proceeded as scheduled.

Numerous attempts to free Santa from inside a giant block of ice failed. Blowtorches refused to start as a surprise blizzard came roaring through. Hammers and chisels made hardly a dent in the solid ice.

Finally, a daring combination of fresh chocolate chip cookies and gamma radiation saved the day. Head of the North Pole research department Sprinkles Von Bohrstein came up with the holiday saving idea to combine Santa’s favorite treat with a gamma powered “Cheer Emitter.” Mrs. Claus made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and placed them in front of the frozen Santa. Then Von Bohrstein aimed the experimental device at him, hoping the ice could be broken from the inside out.

Immediately results could be seen as Santa become hotter from the radiation and began to grow in size. With the thunderous crash of ice the mutated Santa Claus shattered his icy prison with a bellowing “Ho HO HOOOO!”

After a few cookies and a hug from his wife, Mr. Claus returned to his old self and immediately began preparations for his annual flight.

Receipt of presents by children all over the world proves that Santa Claus was able to make his run despite the setbacks. However due to his late start several wealthy families in Beverly Hills received glittery IOU’s attached to their fireplace.

December 24, 2008

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has yet again been frozen in a block of ice.

Delaying critical Christmas preparation, the elf union is working overtime to thaw out the yule time celebrity.

After going on his traditional pre-holiday bender, Santa drunkenly fell asleep outside the reindeer stables and was quickly frozen in a solid block of ice.

Experts believe he may have been hitting the bottle harder than usual due to his difficulty in receiving a federal bailout.  Unsubstantiated reports say that Mrs. Claus may have been one of the unlucky victims taken in by the Madoff financial scheme.

A representative of the United Elvin Workers union confirmed that this is not the first time Santa has been frozen solid.  “He does this every year.  We’d hoped he would stay inside this year and just need a coffee the next morning.  But it looks like we’ll need to dust off the glitter-powered blowtorches again.”

Will Santa be freed in time? Updates will be forthcoming as the diminutive labor union works to save Christmas.

PALM SPRINGS, FL – Continuing a terrible holiday season, Bernard Madoff was forced to celebrate Hannukah with an unlikely Jew – The Alien!

After details of an investment scam came to light in the last two weeks, Madoff’s own children disowned him and have ceased communication since the reports first emerged.

Madoff was hoping the spirit of the season would warm the icy tension that had developed within his family, but relations had not improved in time for the first night of Hanukkah.

“It’s terrible not being with your children during the holidays,” Madoff told reporters.  “No one will talk to me, no one wanted to share my latkes or drink my Manischevitz.  That’s why I was so delighted to get a call from the Alien.  He knows what its like to be scrutinized and probed.”

Questions have surrounded the existential and religious beliefs of the Alien for years.  Although the Alien has never admitted to having a Bar Mitzvah, it is now believed that he practices Judasim.

While the Alien may celebrate the minor holiday Hanukkah, not everyone is convinced that the Alien is a practicing Jew.

“Who knows what this actually signifies,” Rabbi Eli Weisberg of Temple Beth Shalom Israel said.  “Plenty of Jews celebrate Christmas not as a religious holiday but as an excuse to get together with friends and family and be joyful.”

“And I know plenty of shiksas and goyum who stick a Menorah on top of the tree, light a candle or two then eat gelt for a week and open more presents.  It’s a little meshuga if you ask me, but what do I know?  I’m an alter kocker.”

There are reportedly photos of the Alien comforting a weeping Madoff after he lost chocolate coins during a dreidle game, but Weekly World News has yet to verify this.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL – During a short break from counseling Madoff investment victims, PhD Ape ran into a client begging for help – Elliot Spitzer!

PhD Ape has come under fire since announcing his intention to offer free counsel sessions to the duped senior citizens.  Current and former clients flooded his office seeking refunds for past services.

“I decided to get away from all the media attention and the barrage of phone calls and emails,” PhD Ape said through a representative.  “I left my Blackberry and cell phone in Palm Beach and headed for Fort Lauderdale for some R & R.  The last thing I expected was to run into any clients.”

Seeking to escape the media himself, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer is in Florida visiting his bubby for Hanukkah.  Spitzer has been getting a lot of attention this week since he publicly ridiculed his new job.

“It’s been a very difficult year for Elliot,” PhD Ape told reporters.  “Its only natural that he express discontent with being an online blogger for Slate when just a few months ago he was governor of the second most populous state in the Union and one of the few rising stars in the Democratic Party.  Its quite a fall from grace.”

“I don’t plan to spend much time with Elliot in Florida.  I have work to finish in Palm Beach and then its back to New York.  If he feels like he needs counseling sessions, I will be more than happy to see him.  That is, if he can afford me on a blogger’s salary.  After this, I’m done with charity cases.”

NEW YORK, NY – Having been released on bail, Bernie Madoff is now open game for Bat Boy!

Bernie Madoff made his first public appearance since his arrest at a New York City federal courthouse, signing over his real estate to help cover his $10 million bond. He surrendered his passport and must abide by a curfew to stay in his apartment from 7PM to 9AM.

But it’s likely Madoff will spend the next few months holed up at home to avoid Bat Boy!

After announcing his mission of vengeance, Bat Boy has been on the hunt ever since, haunting the streets of Manhattan in the search for Madoff. He has been using his attuned sense of smell and echolocation to track the investor, but hasn’t made the final strike yet.

Madoff has not been making it easy for the world’s most famous mutant. He’s used a number of tricks to confuse Bat Boy, like wearing deer pheromones, urban camouflage and fake mustaches.

The only effective defense has been mosquito traps, which Bat Boy has fallen for every time.

Will Bat Boy triumph over evil?

SENECA FALLS, W.VA – Bernard Madoff may be free on bail from fraud charges but Bat Boy has pledged to see him punished!

Bernard Madoff, chairman of an investment fund, was arrested by the FBI last Friday on criminal charges of securities fraud. It is believed that investors lost $50 billion due to his scheme, making it the largest investor fraud ever attributed to a single individual. And yet he is now walking the streets a free man, after posting his $10 million bail.

Bat Boy reportedly flew into a rage when he heard the news on his cave’s short-wave radio. It seems he has now made it his personal mission to bring Madoff to justice.

He was videotaped last night breaking into an army navy surplus store and stealing handcuffs and pepper spray. He also grabbed a woman’s wig and a fake moustache, presumably for two separate disguises.

Bat Boy left a piece of paper nailed to the local police station’s door explaining himself through drawings. Apparently he invested some of his profits from the special peak guano he found in his cave and is furious the money has now disappeared.

Madoff was so shaken by Bat Boy’s threats that he has approached the NYPD for protection. When a lieutenant showed him no pity, Madoff screamed, “Have you seen that freaky kid? Have you seen his teeth?! You have to help me!”

When queried about Bat Boy’s investment, Madoff smacked his forehead in frustration. “Oh god, you mean that box of [expletive] I got in the mail? I threw it out, I thought my six-year-old granddaughter sent it after I wouldn’t buy her a pony. Please, tell the bat kid I don’t have his money!”

Madoff began taunting policemen in the hopes of being locked up, but they kicked him to the curb. How long do you think it will be until Bat Boy finds him?