LOUISIANA – For the first time in U.S. history, vampire bats are attacking and killing citizens.

U.S. health authorities have announced the first deaths by  vampires bat in the United States.

On August 8, a 19-year-old man was bitten by a vampire bat just outside Baton Rouge. Ten days later, the  farm worker fell sick, presenting symptoms of fatigue, shoulder pain, numbness in his left hand and a drooping left eye.  He died the next morning.

Three days later, thirty-five people, attending a County Fair in Baton Rouge were attacked b several vampire bats.  The victims, all in their 20s, all died within a week.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently wrote, “These cases represent the first reported human deaths from vampire bat rabies virus variant in the United States.” According to the CDC, the victims had a notably aggressive form of rabies.

Prior to the Louisiana attacks, there have been 32 human rabies cases reported to the CDC since 2000.  And in just one week there were over 100 attacks with 36 confirmed deaths.

The CDC made this statement:  ”Although vampire bats currently are found only in Latin America, research suggests that the range of these bats might be expanding as a result of changes in climate. Expansion of vampire bats into the United States likely would lead to increased bat exposures to both humans and animals (including domestic livestock and wildlife species) and substantially alter rabies virus dynamics and ecology in the southern United States.”

Vampire bats are able to find blood through a heat-detecting molecule covering nerve endings on their noses.  Once an adult vampire bat has found a vein to feed on, it can drink half of its body weight in blood.

Although the bats should be feared, killing bats is not the answer, and the CDC writes, “the elimination of vampire bats to prevent human or animal rabies remains controversial.”

The CDC is considering issuing a vampire bat alert across the entire Southeast of the United States.

BATON ROUGE – Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has proposed a same-sex marriage bill.

After introducing the bill to the State Senate, Jindal made a short statement from the steps of the Louisiana State Capitol building earlier this morning.

“Supriya and I have been blessed with three beautiful children. Everyone in Louisiana should have the right to a family like ours. Today, I am officially pledging my support for same-sex marriage in Louisiana. My goal is to extend the same opportunity that we have been given to the gay and lesbian couples of the Pelican State. Welcome to our family.”

Jindal did not take any questions, but Louisiana Democrats were scrambling to ratchet up support for the new bill. Although Jindal, a Republican, proposed the surprise bill, Democrats fear they will have trouble gathering “Yes” votes from Republican Senators.

The fight appears to be building quickly. Conservative religious leaders and representatives, many who are long-time Jindal supporters, have cancelled summer weekend plans and will convene over the next several days to strategize their counter-attack.

Republican State Representative Jonathan Perry issued this statement: “The fine people of Louisiana did not vote for same-sex marriage. They don’t want it. We want to reassure our constituents that their beliefs will be upheld. I don’t know how Governor Jindal thinks he will overturn the 2004 constitutional amendment. We banned marriage and any other forms of partnership recognition for same-sex couples. And it’s going to stay that way. This is a complete 180. What happened to his Marriage Commission?”

Meanwhile, the Gay Liberation Front of New Orleans is planning a Sunday celebration picnic in Washington Square, just outside of the French Quarter.

WASHINGTON – U.S. Army is now allowing minors to serve in the military in preparation for a war with Libya.

The U.S. armed forces are looking to increase the number of available ground troops in order to prepare for an invasion of Libya. And with the U.S. being overextended in several countries due to its current war efforts, the U.S. Army has now decided to allow Americans as young as 10 years of age to enlist.

The decision came shortly after the U.S. Army announcement that a young boy from Louisiana would be an honorary member. Upon seeing the motivation and excitement from the recent young recruit, General George W. Casey Jr. got the idea to make the radical decision allowing children to enlist.

“The situation in Libya is just getting out of control and we can no longer sit idly by,” explained General Casey, “We need to get troops on the ground there ASAP, but with most all of our troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq, we see no other choice but to lower the enrollment age.”

Several parents groups are up in arms over the announcement that the U.S. military is now actively trying to enlist minors into the armed services.

“It’s bad enough that they have Army recruitment facilities in malls throughout the U.S. These facilities have been nothing more than an arcade that allows kids to play video games for free. But now adding the element of attempting to coerce children into enlisting, that is just unconscionable!” said Shelly Silverman president of the newly formed organization Mothers Against Recruiting Teens and Youngster Recruitment.

However, not everyone sees this as a bad thing though.

“Most of the kids in America need a swift kick in the pants anyway. They all think that they know what war is all about because they play Call of Duty and Metal of Honor on their Xboxs and PS3s, but they don’t know crap about war,” said Bill Meriwether, a decorated war vet, “Have any of these 10 year olds video jockeys held a man in their arms as he bleeds to death from shrapnel being logged in his genitals? I doubt it. I say let ‘em get their hands dirty and see what it’s all about.”

Currently, minors may only enlist on a volunteer basis but do not require parental consent. No word if the draft will be reinstated. It is still up for debate. But based on the overwhelming need for troops and the recent decision to enlist youngsters, it will only be a matter of months before everyone from 10 to 55 will be drafted for the impending war with Libya.

BATON ROUGE, LA- Teens are getting high on bath salts and bubble bath solutions.

Authorities have recently discovered that many teens and young adults are using bath salts and bubble bath solutions to get high.

Youths are ingesting bath salt by snorting, injecting and smoking the powdery substance; while the bubble bath solution is consumed in the same manner, it requires to be “cooked” first. Cooking the solution involves pouring the liquid into a glass pan and baking it in the oven. The liquid turns into a powder and is then consumed.

This new drug epidemic originated in Baton Rouge, LA but has quickly spread throughout the entire state, as well as all of Mississippi and Alabama. Referred to on the street as ivory wave, white lighting, dove scrub, Hurricane Katrina and Mr. Bubble; this new drug is now beginning to infiltrate high schools and college campuses across the nation. The drug is known to produce the following effects: hallucinations, euphoria, rapid heart rate, overall happiness, and anal leakage. The last effect most of the users don’t seem to want but feel that the other effects outweigh the one minor drawback.

“The butt thing is manageable, we just buy some of those old people diapers and we’re good to go,” said Jim Rogers a junior at some college and “clean freak”, “I have such an awesome time when I’m cleaning that I usually forget about the leakage.”  “Cleaning” is the street term for using the new drug and users are known as “clean freaks”. The term cleaning has been the source of much confusion for many parents.

“At first I was very proud of my son to hear that he was constantly cooking and cleaning. But when I discovered what he meant by it, I was livid,” said Judy Kicklighter, mother of a youth now addicted to “cooking and cleaning”.

Seasoned drug addicts have even said that this new drug has “got nothing on crack and heroin”. Hallucinogenic episodes have been reported to be as intense as the sight that one sees when you walk in on your parents doing the dirty.  Meth heads tend to think that high is just okay.

“I stay away from those clean freaks,” said a resident homeless man in downtown Baton Rouge, known as Hobo Tommy, “those bitches will clean your clock if you don’t keep your eye on ‘em!”

Officials are warning the public to simply stay away from these products altogether. The state of Louisiana has even gone as far as to ban bathing statewide. Mississippi has only suggested that people stop taking baths. Both states, however, have announced that showing is okay. No one in Alabama bathes or showers anyway, so the state has not had to issue any public service announcements regarding this epidemic.

DRUID HILLS, KY -  Dead chickens dropped from the Kentucky sky this morning!

A large number of dead chickens dropped from the Kentucky Sky on I-64 near Druid Hills.  This chicken dropping comes just days after thousands of blackbirds dropped from the Arkansas and Louisiana skies and hundreds of jackdaws dropped from the skies in Sweden.

Authorities said that the Kentucky Chicken Drop was definitely related to the mysterious bird deaths in Arkansas Louisiana and Sweden.  “It’s all part of the alien invasion,” said Dr. John Malley, an extraterrestrial expert who is a chief researcher for the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  “We have long known that when aliens attack on Earth, they go after the birds first.”

According to Kentucky Parks and Wildlife Department’s Media Communication Director, Susan Begley, this is the first time that chickens have ever fell from the sky AND the first time that chickens have ever flown IN the sky.

Dr. Begley said that she believed that the aliens probably stunned the chickens with laser guns, sent them into the air, then killed them in the sky and watched them drop to their deaths.

Local residents were stunned.  “I ain’t never seen no chicken fly.  Not that high.  Maybe five feet of the ground.  But these chickens they looked like they were about a thousand feet up there.   My pastor told us that when chickens fall from the sky, that means the world is gonna end.  And I believes him!”

“It’s typical alien behavior,” said Dr. Malley.  “These aliens are clearly from Planet Zeeba.  They are going to play with us.  They seem to enjoy it.  They made the chickens fly, then they killed them.  We at the U.N. are very, very concerned.

Representatives of Kentucky Fried Chicken quickly went to scene of the droppings and tried to gather as many chickens as possible.  “We’re thinking of making these chickens a specialty on the menu – at least in Kentucky,” said Dwayne DeTorres of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  “These chickens are going to fry up real nice.”

KFC got busy right away.  Here’s the first four chickens they rounded up:

Some authorities thought there was some significance to the fact that the birds dropped into Druid Hills.  “I think this aliens are trying to tell us that they don’t like pagans.  Maybe these aliens from Planet Zeeba are Christians,”  said Dale Boomlie of Paducah.

Well, it’s all still a mystery.  But if you are in Kentucky, keep your head up… you may see a chicken heading for you!

LABARRE, LA  — Thousands of dead dropped form the sky in Pointe Coupee Parish on Monday.

Louisiana State biologists are examining the estimated 50,000 red-winged dead blackbirds and starlings that dropped onto La. 1 just down the road from Pointe Coupee Central High School.

The discovery of the dead birds — some of which were lying face down, clumped in groups, while others were face up with their wings outstretched and rigid legs pointing upward — comes just three days after more than 30,000 blackbirds rained down from the sky in Beebe, Ark.

Necropsies performed Monday on the birds in Arkansas showed the birds suffered internal injuries that formed blood clots leading to their deaths, The Associated Press reported.

WWN can confirm the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials has identified the cause of the bird deaths – aliens.  UFOs were spotted over Arkansas right before the blackbirds died a few days ago, and there were numerous reports of UFOs near Poine Coupee Parish on Monday.

“Alien spaceships have never attacked life on earth – before now.  We are concerned and the U.N. is taking this seriously and trying to make contact with the alien spaceships, which we believe come from Planet Zeeba,”  said Extraterrestrial specialist, U.S. military commander, James Bellanca.

In Louisiana, biologists with the state Department of Wildlife and Fisheries spent part of the day Monday scooping up some of the birds in Pointe Coupee Parish to be sent for testing at the CIA laboratory in Langley, VA.

The remaining carcasses were still on the roadway, on the shoulder and in drainage ditches Monday afternoon as some motorists sped past, flattening birds lying in the roadway, while other drivers slowed down to gawk.

State and federal authorities are already covering up the alien attack.  A government spokesperson explained the bird deaths this way, “Underlying disease, starvation and cold fronts where birds can’t get their body heat up have caused similar occurrences in various species over the years.”

However, WWN could find no record of massive dead bird droppings in the history of the United States.

Some in the federal government tried to explain the deaths away with wild notions, “it’s possible that there was a massive bird suicide over Louisiana,” said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary.

The truth is that there have been numerous reports of UFOs and numerous alien sightings over the last five months.  The U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials has repeatedly said that there is an alien invasion underway and will last until 2015.   The bird massacre is just the beginning.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – After an altercation with police Monday night, the half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator has been banned from Tuesday’s Mardi Gras celebrations.

Police were called in Monday when Manigator became belligerent, disputing the results of a Wet T-Shirt contest.  When authorities arrived the clearly inebriated cryptid was standing on the bar shouting, “Those judges were in the tank, ‘n I declare a mistrial!”  Witnesses saw him be carried into the back of a cruiser still slurring loudly, “I demands a recount!  S’in the Consi’tushun!  Recount!”

In court this morning a judge ordered Manigator be banned from all celebrations, and will remain in a jail cell until Thursday.

Native to the Florida Everglades, Manigator visits Mardi Gras religiously. Due to his imprisonment, this will mark the first year since he was discovered that the mutant will not be arrested during the festivities.

Over the years, Manigator has been taken into custody for outstanding drunkenness and public indecency, harassing tourists, having an unregistered float in the parade (him on a red wagon), holding unlicensed séances for tourists, throwing a ‘pre-game cockfight’ which failed due to using hens, and stealing bead necklaces off of children.

When the judge asked Manigator if he had any final words before sentence was carried out, he said “Yer ‘Oner, I hold true to mah beliefs: number six should have won it and fer that blonde girl to get all the money is a miscarriage of justice.”

Court was closed and sentence carried out.  Upon leaving Manigator said he will be contacting the ACLU and the United Cryptid Defense Fund to file an appeal.

BATON ROUGE, LA – After their crushing defeat in November the Republican Party was left with no clear leader. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal hopes to fill the power vacuum, and has entered talks with Satan to do just that.

Jindal and his lawyers contacted the Prince of Darkness, most likely through Craigslist, and are currently negotiating an IS-w1 deal, immortal soul for one wish, that would have Jindal crowned the figurehead of the Republican Party.  Despite his formidable legal team, if granted the nomination Jindal will certainly not escape with his soul.

Jindal is well acquainted with Satan, having led his high school Exorcism team to the state championships three years in a row.

If the deal goes through and he is chosen he will be anointed with ram’s blood in the basement of the Fox News headquarters.

More on this story, as it develops.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – In an attempt to further diversify her brood, Angelina Jolie has made a bold choice.

Jolie recently stated on the Today Show, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures, from different countries. And Bat Boy is the perfect example of that.”

Jolie took a moment to dab her welling eyes and then continued, “I have saved all of my children from loneliness and neglect in those orphanages. Bat Boy is out all on his own. It is my duty to be photographed while rescuing him and give him a better life in front of millions of people.”

According to eye witnesses, Jolie used mosquitoes as bait to lure and trap him. With Brad Pitt’s assistance, she dragged him kicking and screaming to the local courthouse to have the adoption finalized.

But Bat Boy had other plans. He nipped Pitt on the cheek, who dropped him and began screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”. Our young hero took off out the back door and has not been seen since.

Jolie and Pitt are now in the process of adopting a Tibetan yeti to supplement Jolie’s new interest in Buddhism.

CHENEYVILLE, LOUISIANA – “It just makes sense,” shouted George Geautreaux, a farmer based in the Southern portion of the United States. “Everybody here needs to lend me a helping hand because I’ve been doing pretty much all the work.”

A closer look at Geautreaux’s farm land shows a truth many animals based on the farm probably aren’t ready to hear – he is, in fact, carrying a large work load and could definitely use some assistance. “If [you animals] don’t do your share I’ll find you and I’ll hurt you.”