NEW ORLEANS, LA – After an altercation with police Monday night, the half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator has been banned from Tuesday’s Mardi Gras celebrations.

Police were called in Monday when Manigator became belligerent, disputing the results of a Wet T-Shirt contest.  When authorities arrived the clearly inebriated cryptid was standing on the bar shouting, “Those judges were in the tank, ‘n I declare a mistrial!”  Witnesses saw him be carried into the back of a cruiser still slurring loudly, “I demands a recount!  S’in the Consi’tushun!  Recount!”

In court this morning a judge ordered Manigator be banned from all celebrations, and will remain in a jail cell until Thursday.

Native to the Florida Everglades, Manigator visits Mardi Gras religiously. Due to his imprisonment, this will mark the first year since he was discovered that the mutant will not be arrested during the festivities.

Over the years, Manigator has been taken into custody for outstanding drunkenness and public indecency, harassing tourists, having an unregistered float in the parade (him on a red wagon), holding unlicensed séances for tourists, throwing a ‘pre-game cockfight’ which failed due to using hens, and stealing bead necklaces off of children.

When the judge asked Manigator if he had any final words before sentence was carried out, he said “Yer ‘Oner, I hold true to mah beliefs: number six should have won it and fer that blonde girl to get all the money is a miscarriage of justice.”

Court was closed and sentence carried out.  Upon leaving Manigator said he will be contacting the ACLU and the United Cryptid Defense Fund to file an appeal.

BATON ROUGE, LA – After their crushing defeat in November the Republican Party was left with no clear leader. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal hopes to fill the power vacuum, and has entered talks with Satan to do just that.

Jindal and his lawyers contacted the Prince of Darkness, most likely through Craigslist, and are currently negotiating an IS-w1 deal, immortal soul for one wish, that would have Jindal crowned the figurehead of the Republican Party.  Despite his formidable legal team, if granted the nomination Jindal will certainly not escape with his soul.

Jindal is well acquainted with Satan, having led his high school Exorcism team to the state championships three years in a row.

If the deal goes through and he is chosen he will be anointed with ram’s blood in the basement of the Fox News headquarters.

More on this story, as it develops.

NEW ORLEANS, LA – In an attempt to further diversify her brood, Angelina Jolie has made a bold choice.

Jolie recently stated on the Today Show, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures, from different countries. And Bat Boy is the perfect example of that.”

Jolie took a moment to dab her welling eyes and then continued, “I have saved all of my children from loneliness and neglect in those orphanages. Bat Boy is out all on his own. It is my duty to be photographed while rescuing him and give him a better life in front of millions of people.”

According to eye witnesses, Jolie used mosquitoes as bait to lure and trap him. With Brad Pitt’s assistance, she dragged him kicking and screaming to the local courthouse to have the adoption finalized.

But Bat Boy had other plans. He nipped Pitt on the cheek, who dropped him and began screaming, “My face! My beautiful face!”. Our young hero took off out the back door and has not been seen since.

Jolie and Pitt are now in the process of adopting a Tibetan yeti to supplement Jolie’s new interest in Buddhism.

CHENEYVILLE, LOUISIANA – “It just makes sense,” shouted George Geautreaux, a farmer based in the Southern portion of the United States. “Everybody here needs to lend me a helping hand because I’ve been doing pretty much all the work.”

A closer look at Geautreaux’s farm land shows a truth many animals based on the farm probably aren’t ready to hear – he is, in fact, carrying a large work load and could definitely use some assistance. “If [you animals] don’t do your share I’ll find you and I’ll hurt you.”