LOS ANGELES, CA – Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a homicide.

Dr. Conrad Murray could be facing criminal charges.  According to a Los Angeles coroner’s finding, Michael Jackson’s death was conclusively caused by an overdose of Propofol administered by Dr. Murray.  When first questioned Dr. Murray lied to the police about administering Propofol, which could result in criminal charges.

Los Angeles authorities are still trying to definitively determine Jackson’s cause of death, despite the fact that he may not be dead.  There are several theories that the LAPD are following to explain his sudden death, and the mysterious disappearance of his body.

THEORY #1
Dr. Conrad Murray convinced Michael Jackson to join an elite club of aristocrats who meet regularly to play a game of life and death.  Jackson drew the ace, the card of death, and Murray administered the Propofol to follow the rules of the game.  Once deceased the group took Jackson’s body to conceal their activities.

THEORY #2
Following a crisis of faith, Michael Jackson convinced Dr. Murray to kill him, then recuscitate him minutes later.  Dr. Murray failed to bring Michael back and in a panic called the police.  The body was later lost due to clerical error.

THEORY #3
Michael Jackson was at the heart of intergalactic espionage.  During a tour through the Sagittarion system, Michael was going to deliver secret documents to an ambassador of the Qwoak people.  Sagittarion agents made an assassination attempt but were quickly dispatched by the physically superior Michael Jackson.  When he went to Murray for treatment, the doctor mistook him for human and accidentally poisoned the singer.  Now Murray is on the run with alien documents that could save or kill a planet.  Upon his death Michael’s body was retrieved by delegates of his home planet, and now rests in a place of honor among the stars.

Doctor Murray was briefly taken in to custody by police, but is now on the run in a manhunt that is expected to last the better part of an afternoon.  Michael Jackson was last seen ordering a snow-cone in South Dakota’s badlands.

LOS ANGELES, CA – John Mayer performed at Michael Jackson’s memorial last night.  Sources confirm that Mayer was never invited and instead snuck in.

Crowds were surprised at the Staples Center last night in Los Angeles when John Mayer took to the stage.  Up to that point the performers at Michael Jackson’s tribute memorial had been people close with the star.

Sources confirm that John Mayer snuck into the Staples Center to perform last night.  Security camera footage shows the 31-year-old crooner climbing fences and sneaking past guards to get in the building.  At one point he put a lone security guard in a sleeper hold, then stuffed him in a locker before moving closer to the stage.  Once in the backstage area, no one questioned Mayer’s presence.

Backstage Mayer attempted to fit in with the properly billed artists.  He tried to make small talk with Diana Ross, and other legends of Motown but was consistently shot down.  Quincy Jones tried to make the boy feel welcome before quickly losing his patience with him.  In the end Mayer spent most of his time standing in a corner with Corey Feldman, whose Michael Jackson outfit made many wonder if he had started doing drugs again.

At what was supposed to be an intermission John Mayer took to the stage. The audience wondered why the house lights had come up for his performance, and why he was not on the program.  Mayer’s performance was highly out of place between the various musical legends and tribute acts.  Both Bubbles the Chimp and LaToya Jackson had to be kept from flinging poo at the stage.  At the end of his song Mayer received polite applause from the bewildered crowd before he ran off stage and into the night.

No official criminal charges will be filed against John Mayer for trespassing at the Staples Center.  However Macauley Culkin has sworn a vendetta against John Mayer and is believed to be seeking vigilante justice.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Thousands have attended the Huntington Botanical Gardens in order to catch a rare glimpse of a blooming corpse flower.

Corpse flowers only bloom once ever few years, so displays of such rarity are widely attended. Huntington’s flower has not bloomed since 2002, and Lisa Blackburn, a spokeswoman for the gardens, said, “It might be done for the next decade.”

So what is a corpse flower? It’s official name is Amorphophallus titanum, which roughly translates to “large formless phallus”. It is one of the largest single flowers in the world – Huntington’s is 6-foot, 7-inch tall – and is only found in the wild in Sumatra, Indonesia.

When it blooms, the plant opens up to reveal the flower. The scent of the insides smells like rotting meat, which attracts carrion-eating beetles and flesh flies, which will inadvertently pollinate it. The tip even becomes human body temperature, which helps create the illusion of an actual corpse for the insects!

Check out the time-lapse video below of the last flower to bloom in the United States, at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens:

Thousands of aliens are masquerading as doctors in America and the patients who go to them are being subjected to unethical medical treatment, a leading researcher warns.

In fact, Dr. Terrence Starnes estimated that as many as two million innocent Americans are trusting their health to alien creatures.

“This isn’t just an alarming situation – it’s a terrifying situation, ” the UFO expert told newsmen in Los Angeles. “These extraterrestrial impostors have infiltrated the medical establishment and are using our own hospitals, tools and trust to achieve their evil ends.”

Dr. Starnes refused to say how he learned about the aliens but alleged that medical authorities are aware of the situation and actually have conspired to keep it under wraps to avoid a public relations nightmare.

The expert went on to say that patients must do everything in their power to protect themselves against the physician-intruders, who are alleged to be conducting life-threatening medical experiments, including the implantation of mind-control devices, under the guise of helping people out.

Dr. Starnes also provided the following list of guidelines to help you determine if your doctor is a space alien:

1. Beware of doctors who have trouble identifying body parts. If you complain of pain in an elbow and he examines your wrist or forearm, you might very well be in the clutches of an extraterrestrial.
2. Human physicians often run late, but extraterrestrials are always right on time.
3. A doctor’s handwriting is usually quite sloppy. But aliens labor over their handwriting and the result is easy-to-read printing.
4. Most doctors draw blood for testing but need very little to get the job done. Physicians who ask for a quart or more of your blood have a hidden agenda – and may be extraterrestrials.
5. The vast majority of doctors dispense drugs through prescriptions and pharmacist. Alien doctors prefer to pass out “sample” pills and preparations that usually have nothing to do with the patient’s illness.
6. Aliens often recommend surgery for patients who feel great and have no symptoms of disease.

“Take these warning signs seriously,” said Dr. Starnes. “If two or more of them apply to your doctor, he’s almost certainly an alien.”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Lindsay Lohan needs counseling, not a restraining order.

After an eventful and dramatic evening at the Chateau Marmont on Friday, the Ronson family is placing a restraining order on Ms. Lohan.

Lohan, Samantha Ronsons ex-girlfriend, has gone insane! Samantha’s family held an intervention last week to express their deep concern while encouraging Sam to stay clear of the “drug-induced” Lohan.

Insiders from the Beverly Hills Police Department overheard Ronson’s mother and sister, designer Charlotte, talking to a clerk Monday afternoon about how to “send a message” to Lohan to inform her of the nasty news.
The BHPD clerk apparently told the duo that a restraining order would be the “best option.” If Lindsay “violates it, then she gets taken away.”

Charlotte had nothing but wonderful words to say about Lohan. “She does these things to get attention… She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below [us]… She also followed our brother Mark around.”
“Lindsay was doing drugs,” Ann continued. “She got up illegally to our room… She does these acts of public humiliation. It is all for attention,” Charlotte continued.

Is Lindsay really trying that hard to fit in with the Ronson family? We think Lohan needs to spend some quality time with PhD Ape. His insight and inspiration will surely straighten her up and get her back on the right track!
PhD Ape is the answer – NOT a fourth time at rehab.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-07-ronson-family-to-file-restraining-order-against-lohan

LOS ANGELES, CA – Actress Jessica Biel is starring in the upcoming film “Powder Blue” as a single-mom stripper. She is now discussing the research and training she did for the role.

“Powder Blue” is a movie about four Los Angeles residents, one being Biel’s stripper character. To prepare for the role, Biel took on a number of challenges, including learning how to strip.

Biel also spent two months in intense character immersion to get ready for the part. As a devout method actor, Biel wanted to live the life of a stripper.

Biel started by borrowing her friend’s infant child to care for on her own. “It really taught me how it is to be a single parent with no support structure,” said Biel. She had instructed friends and family to shun her and never answer her phone calls. Any personal interactions had to be steeped in silent disapproval on their part.

She then contacted her high school boyfriend and moved in with him into his parents’ basement. “Johnny was super cute when we were 16. Since then, he’s been mostly doing construction work and drinking with his buddies. His conflicted feelings towards my job really helped fuel the desparation of my living situation.”

Finally, Biel transitioned to a diet made entirely of McDonald’s, coffee and menthol cigarettes. Director Timothy Linh Bui said, “She was a real trooper. The malnutrition helped give her the dehydrated and emaciated look that saved hours for our make-up team.”

Biel said, “This was a real learning experience for me. I have so much respect for all the exotic dancers I met along the way. You wouldn’t believe how many of them are putting themselves through medical school!”

“The whole routine helped me find that hole in my soul that only a lifetime of bad decisions can really give you.”

LOS ANGELES—Citing concerns over the recession and the desire to purchase Park Place, a child model asked that she be paid in Monopoly dollars.
The announcement has fueled speculation that US currency may be losing its clout on the world stage.

Dawn Bishop’s preference for funds derived from the Parker Brothers’ famous board game has also prompted investors to consolidate holdings on St. James Place, igniting a storm of controversy among consumer advocacy groups in the orange squares.

“New York Avenue has been rent-controlled for thirty years,” said a spokesman for the non-profit organization Anti-Monopoly Monopoly Players.  “The vibrant community this has spawned could disappear if flows of capital are directed away from the people who make the Free Parking district great.”

The decline in the American dollar has recently led to reinvestment in Monopoly holdings, with new hotels recently built in wealthier neighborhoods such as Marvin Gardens.  Yellow squares Mayor Julie Annie Rudiger attributes the unfettered growth to her aggressive policing strategy, which has left Marvin Gardens tied with Pacific Avenue for the highest incarceration rate in the board.

Although Ms. Bishop’s request has led to controversy, she has remained steadfast in her desire to protect her interests.

“American money’s boring,” she said at a press conference in Los Angeles on Tuesday.  “It’s all green.  But I don’t like the white ones either.  I like pink best.  Pink is pretty.”

Conservative commentators have accused Ms. Bishop of exacerbating—or even creating—a lack of confidence in the American economy.

“What this is doing is shifting people’s thinking away from strengthening America,” said Walt Froman, a member of the Washington-based think tank America for the New Millenium.  “It’s going to weaken the dollar further if these high-paid, high-profile people keep positioning themselves further and further away from American interests.”

For his part, Rich Uncle Pennybags has remained unfazed by the development.  “Sometimes chance goes your way, sometimes it doesn’t,” he said.  “Just keep your fingers crossed for Community Chest and keep rolling those dice.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Partnering with Stevie Nicks and The ShamWOW Guy, Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, is debuting a revolutionary exercise tool to shake off unwanted weight!

Premiering on local access channels statewide this week during the 1:37am timeslot, Tonya along with Nicks and Vince Schlomi, the ShamWOW spokesman, presented The Power Plate.  The device, looking like a mix between a treadmill and a teleportation station, promises to shed fat, build muscle tone, and increase bone density in just 10 minutes a day.

All through the power of a revolutionary vibration technology.

Stevie Nicks, lead singer of Fleetwood Mac and longtime friend and confidant of Tonya, has secretly been using The Power Plate to drop 60 pounds in preparation for the devices debut and her own world tour.

“Tonya and I were approached by scientists from Ohio State University who developed the vibration technology utilized by The Power Plate,” Nicks said during the products infomercial.

“Always on the lookout for innovative and fun ways to stay healthy and lean, Tonya and I decided we would love to give it a try and if we liked it, be the spokeswomen.”

“And just look at these amazing results!” Nicks said as she spread her arms wide, displaying both her trademark angel wing sleeves as well as her new svelt frame.

Criticism of the device has come primarily from skeptics who have yet to actual test out the new technology.

“Sitting, standing, or working out on a machine that simply shakes you cannot possibly add anything to your exercise,” Suzanne Somers, spokeswoman for the Thigh Master and alleged arch-enemy of Stevie Nicks, wrote on her blog.

Despite the naysayers, the product appears to be an early success.

“We sold nearly 25% of our stock in the first 4 days on the air!” Nicks told reporters in a written statement.  “We aim to move our sales efforts to prime time with the help of veteran salesman Vince Schlomi.”

“Vince knows how to take a hard to believe product and demonstrate how its a must have around the home.”

“Between my results, Vince’s salesmanship, and Tonya’s star power, its only a matter of time before The Power Plate is in every home in America!”

“And before you know it, people worldwide will be shaking their fat right off!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Hollywood’s biggest night was marred by its own vanity when a 32-minute tribute video put most of its celebrity audience to sleep!

The telecast, Oscars’ 81st, was hosted by a singing, joke-peddling Hugh Jackman featured several video tributes, “Year Books” as they called it, to highlight certain achievements in film over the past year and beyond.  The Comedy Year Book, featuring Seth Rogan and James Franco reprising their Pineapple Express roles and guest starring cinematographer Janusz Kaminski was one of the night’s most original and successful tributes.

Others, such as the tribute to supporting actors and animation, were appropriate if not especially memorable.

The final Video Yearbook of the night, coming just before the awards for Best Actor, Actress, Director and Picture, was memorable for all the wrong reasons: length and snooze-factor.

Coming in at a whopping 32 minutes, the Video Yearbook Tribute to Scrolling Credits, nearly doubled the run time of every other tribute combined.

“So many people are a part of making a film,” Academy Of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Sid Ganis told reporters following the broadcast, “and in a film, the credits honor those individuals for at least several seconds of screen time.”

“We wanted to take some time in our ceremony this year, to honor the credits that honored so many who contributed to films this year.”

The star-studded audience did not seem to find the tribute amusing.  Several A-List stars were caught on camera dozing off, or in the case of 15-time Oscar nominee Meryl Streep, caught with her head slumped to the side, drooling onto her daughter’s designer dress.

Asked why the montage was so much longer than any other, Ganis said, “It was just too difficult to narrow down all the great credits.  We’d never honored them before, so we didn’t have repeat clips to immediately discount from the table.  We ended up with hundred of options.”

“How do you narrow it down when each scrolling credit honors those individuals in such unique and inspiring ways?  Benjamin Button used Helvetica.  Milk: Times New Roman.  Slumdog: Courier New!  One animated short film from Japan featured an entire scrolling credit in Webdings!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Britney Spears has finally broken free of her keepers!

Over the past year, Britney has been under lock and key after a number of disturbing incidents, including shaving her head and losing visitation rights to her children. Only recently has she started coming back into the spotlight with numerous TV performances and a highly anticipated new album.

But Britney is still very much in the care of an army of handlers, and discussed her lack of freedom in MTV’s “Britney: For the Record”. So who would have guessed that the person to save her would be but a lowly mutant?

In the past week, Ms. Spears has begun to act very differently. During the day she may still be Britney, but at night, she is BATney, causing mischief around town with the one and only Bat Boy!

Eyewitnesses have reported seeing the two giggling and hiding behind bushes outside popular night spots. When the time is right they jump out shrieking at passing paparazzi, who run for their lives.

They have also been spotted TP’ing her ex-husband’s house and throwing eggs at Adnan Ghalib, her former lover and F-list celeb.

Britney’s father, Jamie Spears, refused to confirm these reports to Weekly World News reporters, but stated, “If it was her, and I’m not saying it is, well at least she’d be having fun. That little bat boy is kinda creepy, but he seems like a good kid.”

Is Bat Boy using Britney to get publicity? Or does he just want to show her how to be happy again?

Weekly World News will continue to investigate!