PLUM ISLAND, NY – A human body has washed up on Plum Island, which houses the government’s secret lab for diseases!

Police have stated that the body of a white male was found Thursday afternoon on the southwest beach of the island. The clothed body, found by a security guard, was of a partially decomposed 6 foot tall man, with a large build and very long fingers.

Police also said there were no obvious fatal injuries.

The island hosts the Plum Island Animal Disease Center, which is at the center of a number of conspiracy theories. The official goal of the center is to study and protect America’s livestock from certain diseases, however it has been revealed that during the Cold War, a secret biological weapons program was tested there.

The island has most recently been in the news as the potential origins of the Montauk Monster, a mysterious creature that washed ashore in Montauk, Long Island. A second bizarre creature washed ashore in Long Island last year, also very close to Plum Island.

While authorities have not made any connection between the man’s death and the suspicious nature of the island, conspiracy theorists have already begun questioning the nature of his death.

LONG ISLAND SOUND, NY – The Lake Erie Monster tried out for the Saturday Night Live auditions to find new female cast members.

Star member Amy Poehler departed from the show after giving birth, leaving the show in dire straits. With only two female cast members left, Saturday Night Live quickly put out the call for interested parties to audition. Little did they know what it would bring up from the murky depths…

The Lake Erie Monster was able to make her way into the try-outs and did the only impression she has: Sarah Palin. Her 60-second audition consisted of her alternating between shouting, “Maverick!” over and over again and winking at the camera.

She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that former cast member Tina Fey had shot the show to ratings heaven with her own Palin impression just a few weeks back. Lorne Michaels was not amused. Comedians Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins were chosen and introduced in last Saturday’s episode.

It is believed that Lemmie (as she refers to be called) was only allowed to audition because of Affirmative Action, which has recently been broadened to include cryptids. After being rejected, she cried hysterically for four seconds and then re-submerged into Long Island Sound, leaving only a trail of mascara behind.

Is this the last we’ll see of the Lake Erie diva? This Weekly World News writer thinks not.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3854/snl-rejects-lake-erie-monster/feed/ 1 Garrett Hawley lemmiesnl http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3409/kraken-greets-return-of-uss-intrepid/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3409/kraken-greets-return-of-uss-intrepid/#comments Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:03:40 +0000 Samuel T. Westbrook http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3409 ]]>

NEW YORK, NY – Following three years of repair, the USS Intrepid’s return to Manhattan was greeted by the Tri-State Area’s only known Kraken.

The decommissioned WWII battleship returns to its dock, reopening the Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum. Spectators were delighted as the Battleship approached the city, and even more surprised when Grakkle the Kraken emerged in dramatic fashion sending waves crashing over the Intrepid.

Executive Director of the Intrepid Museum, Susan Marenoff commented, “It was such a pleasure to have Grakkle rise in honor of the Intrepid’s return. We had no idea he was in the area, or a fan of the museum. We’re hoping to have him participate in an upcoming exhibition on the role of US Warships in the Kraken-Great Squid Battle of 1948.”

Viewers were treated to a nautical display not seen in recent decades. While Grakkle was once a common site along the coast of Manhattan, Coney Island, and the Long Island Sound, he been much more reclusive as of late.

“I was delighted to see two of New York City’s treasures together,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters, “but my fear is that the rise of Grakkle is a portent for something brewing under the waters of New York. We really cannot afford another Kraken outlash against our trade ships. Not in this economy.”