DALLAS  – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

Rick Perry is known for his tough talk and his heavy Texas twang.  But an insider close to the governor says that he is faking his Texas twang – because he feels it will appeal to voters.

“Oh hell, he’s been faking it for years,” said Perry family friend, Tad Boller.   “He was born in Texas, but his parents ‘educated the twang’ out of him when he was a boy.  I bust a gut every time I hear him make a speech.”

Why does Perry do it?  “He thinks it makes him more of a cowboy, makes him sound tougher,” said Boller.

Perry considers himself a “rugged Texan” who often tells supporters he can ride a bronco bareback and can rope a calf blindfolded.  Perry proudly tells friends he can wrestle a brown bear and is willing to prove it.  “Brown bears don’t scare me.  What scares me is people who believe in evolution.  That scares the grits out of me.”

Also, according to insiders, Perry is really a Democrat.  “He likes talking like a big ole Red Republican, but he really is an environmentalist at heart, who believes fully in global warming.  He also likes higher taxes, unions and is pro-choice.  Once he becomes President, he plans on doing the Texas two-step on the American people.  He’s already saying that Al Gore is going to be his Secretary of Energy.”

As a boy, Perry took lessons to learn how to speak with a proper Texas twang.  “It was kind the reverse of what you saw in that movie, The King’s Speech,” Boller said.   Boller said taht Perry used to speak English with no accent whatsoever, but he wanted to be considered ‘cool’ by his classmates in high school,  so he started taking Twang Lessons.  In college, at Texas A&M, Perry lapsed back and lost his twang, but when he made a run for Texas governor, he brought back his teacher and… now he’s making a run for President.”

Professor Guy Bailey, a linguistics expert at University of Texas, is Rick Perry’s twang instructor.

Perry tells friends he prefers “Texas English,” than “English English.”  Perry says that Texas English is more desirable these days and that foreign leaders “expect American Presidents to have a Texas twang.  “They respect us more if our President has the twang,” Perry told a town hall in South Carolina.y

Perry wakes up every day to an alarm clock that says, “Y’all have a good day. “  He alwasy says he is all for big “bidness” and tells friends that he is “fixin’ to” send Barack Obama back to Illinois.”  Perry has a personal goal of saying “y’all” at least 100 times a day.  “He thinks the more he says it, the more of a Texan he is,” said Boller.

But there’s another cowboy in town, and he’s learning to twang, too:

HALIFAX -  Tiny cows are being bred to be slider meat.

The Guinness World Book of Records recently named the world’s smallest cow.  It’s a sheep-sized bovine named Swallow from Rishworth near Halifax.  It measures roughly 33 inches from hind to foot.

After reading about the mini-cow, bovine entrepreneur and cattle farmer Chuck Childers of Waco, TX had a brilliant idea. Since sliders – small, soft and irresistible little burgers served by the half dozen – are becoming popular across America, he thought that he should breed tiny cows to make tiny burgers.  “It just hit me one night like dung on a dog.  If you wanna make a small burger, you gotta use a small bovine.  Makes sense, don’t it?”

Childers went to Halifax and learned more about Swallow from her handlers.  “That Halifax cow is real special.  I loved seeing her. I’d love seeing her even more on my plate next to some of my wife’s special Texas grits.”

There was a time when Americans were put off by the idea of eating a quick sandwich filled with a warm ground beef patty. Americans used to want big, beefy, double-triple burgers, but not anymore.

“We are entering a new Golden Age of The Burger,” according to Josh Popperski, Burger Expert.  “The last great invention in the history of the burger was when Hank Stoller of Des Moines mistakenly dropped a piece of cheddar cheese on the burger he was grilling. His wife scolded him for being a klutz, but still ate the burger and… the rest is history.”

White Castle has been making “sliders” for decades, so it’s a bit strange that they are just catching on nationally.  “I ain’t never been in no White Castle,”  Childers said.  “All I know is that people want to eat six small burgers instead of one big burger. Maybe because people are more health consciousness these days.  I don’t know.  I just want to capitalization on the trend and breed me some slider cows.”

Others Texans are not happy about mini-cows being bred in the Lone Star State.  “This is Texas!  We don’t do tiny cows ’round here,” said Tommy Jessup of San Antonio.  “Everything is bigger in Texas!”

“Not anymore,” said Childers.  “If Jessup wants something big, he should come look at my bank account in a few weeks.  I’ll be swimming in Slider Cow money!”

Childers has been busy breeding miniature bulls with miniature cows for the last few weeks.  He hopes to have some Grade A slider meat on your plates in about ten months.

AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of the University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.

This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.  Weekly World News sources confirmed that he will attempt to register in Virginia and Washington, D.C. before November’s election.

Getting wind of the incredible feat of voter fraud, several watchdog groups have so far filed lawsuits in 37 states.  When confronted with the issue, Federal Election Commission Chairman Donald McGahn said, “Sure it’s a travesty of justice, but, well, it’s Bat Boy.  He’s an American institution.”

Conservatives are speculating that Senator Barack Obama used his ties to the space alien who endorsed him to assist in Bat Boy’s multi-state registration. It is widely believed that Obama’s recent revelation of his mutant half-brother Obatma that swayed Bat Boy’s decision to vote Democratic.