I’m pig biting mad about Teddy Kennedy getting knighted by the Queen! Can you believe it? Now we’ll have to call that bloated old fraud “Sir”! “Sir Slab of Lard,” maybe.

I guess it’s because, just like King Arthur, Teddy’s got a lady in the lake! But this takes that Camelot crap a bridge too far. We fought the Red Coats to get rid of all that royal mumbo jumbo. Did we teabag our harbor in vain, America?

Why’s Teddy getting knighted anyhow? They say because he helped get peace in Northern Ireland. Maybe he threatened take away their beads and statues so they couldn’t pray to the Pope anymore.

For a bunch of people who die so much, the Kennedys just won’t go away.

Crazy Teddy! When he has to bow to the Queen, he’ll think it’s part of the sobriety test! And when she hits Teddy with her sword, it’s gonna look like she’s hitting a piñata!

To be fair, thought, some our right-wingers need their heads examined too:

Some TV interviewer told our head guy Michael Steele he thought the GOP Convention looked like a Hitler rally, and Steele just nodded. What?!

First off: McCain couldn’t do that funny salute if he wanted to.
Second off: Hitler hated cowboy songs.
Third off: we’ve got the neo-cons and the Logjam Republicans, and I doubt there were many Jews and fairies at Nuremberg. (OK, I’ll grant you the fairies – they like those outfits…)

That Michael Steele needs to go back to making radios for Colonel Hogan or they’re never gonna get outta there!

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.