I’m madder than a wet firecracker! Tomorrow is Independence Day, the 4th of July, but our great nation is going down the toilet. Or maybe I should say: getting tossed on the compost heap!

America is being recycled into a non-toxic, biodegradable version of its once great self! The red, white and blue is getting turned green.

Goody-two-shoes want to ban 4th of July fireworks and cookouts cuz they cause pollution. Well, a little pollution is good for you – builds up your lungpower and kills off pesky germs.

But that’s the point: the hippies want to make America weaker, not stronger. They want us all wearing adult diapers — paid for by us taxpayers, of course! That’s why I’m renaming our national holiday “In Depends” Day!

It’s tempting just to give up and go along with it. If everybody else is gonna suck on the government teat from cradle to grave, why not you and me?

Well, because that’s not the American way!

Can you imagine George Washington demanding free dentures from the government? Or Ben Franklin wanting a grant to develop his electric kite? Or Dolley Madison getting workers’ compensation for pricking her finger? The Founding Fathers didn’t write about “life, liberty and the pursuit of free stuff”!

Tomorrow I want you all to go to one of the thousand tea parties going on across this great nation. Instead of a white flag of surrender, stick a Depends diaper on a stick as a symbol of your outrage about where this country is going.

Rise up, my fellow Americans. Raise your nappy high in defiance tomorrow and send the White House a message they won’t soon forget!