TORONTO, CANADA – Thousands of proud but recently fired investment bankers are flooding into Mexico and Canada in a desperate bid to find steady work and job security that are no longer available in the U.S.!

A spokesman for the U.S. Border Patrol says an astonishing 500 to 1,000 citizens are crossing our Northern and Southern borders every day, some with the help of smugglers who charge up to $10,000 a pop to pack them in refrigerator boxes or roll them up in carpets and sneak them over in trucks.

Mexican border patrol officers are now working around the clock to stop this new influx of American immigrants.

“They used to try to stop us from heading over there, but now they want to come over here,” says one member of the Mexican policia whose squad lines up to stop flow of briefcase-carrying freeloaders.

“They make fun of us and don’t want us over there,” he says. “Well, we don’t want them over here either!”

“I grew up in America and I love my country, but Lord knows, I have to make a living,” Peter Starmeyer, 38, says from the makeshift plywood and cardboard shanty he now calls home on Toronto’s increasingly seedy west side.

“When Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy and I lost my job, I had no other choice. The only way for me to keep living the American dream was to move to Canada where businesses value and respect workers and try to help them hold on to their jobs.”

When asked where he is working now, he pointed at a brothel across the dock. “With my investment advice, Madame Cherry will be able to expand her business in no time!”, he proclaimed with a proud smile.

Montreal, looks like you’ll be seeing Cherry’s Orchard 2 soon!

NEW YORK – Yesterday at the NYSE, the CEO of Lehman Brothers, Richard S. Fuld, Jr., admitted that he forgot how to count.

“Frankly, Bagel Fridays made it very difficult to concentrate on work. I mean, did you ever see the selection we had? Cinnamon raisin, sundried tomato, even pumpkin…

“Last week I went to grab a bunch for a breakfast meeting, and realized I couldn’t count how many to pick up. I ended up with three dozen for a group of five.

“It was probably at that moment that I knew it was all over…”