Older U.S. beer enthusiasts may soon find themselves in handcuffs.

While alcohol laws have traditionally targeted age limits for younger residents, officials are currently looking at a cap of 60 years old for legal alcohol purchases. Lawmakers cite a number of reasons for the proposal, ranging from health concerns to road safety.

“All medical professionals agree that alcohol makes the health of the elderly much worse,” said one Washington insider. “And as most DUI cases involve more grandmothers than 20-somethings, it was kind of a no-brainer. We’re all surprised this hasn’t come up before.”

New studies suggest a clear benefit from putting the cap on the drinking age. Though this first law would mostly affect the purchase of alcohol, states are expected to follow suit in their limits on home consumption. Traditionally, laws have differed state-to-state in regard to late-teens to 20-year-olds having an alcoholic beverage at home with family members. Now, the key to the liquor cabinet will have to be hidden from grandpa.

While many politicians that would be affected by the law have come out with support, Washington outsiders in their 60s and 70s feel otherwise.

“This is an outrage,” said Hoppy Milton, a 73-year-old retired pharmacist from Michigan. “It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to have a whiskey every now and then. This is exactly the kind of freedoms the government will continue to take from us if we don’t stand up to them.”

There is currently no indication when lawmakers will actually take up the drinking age cap. If no moves are made before fall, the issue is expected to take center stage during the 2012 presidential election. The Obama administration has made no official statement concerning alcohol age limits.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.