LAS VEGAS – Jerry Lewis, the former host of the MDA telethon was kidnapped last night.

This year’s Muscular Dystrophy Telethon has gotten even more bizarre.  Jerry Lewis, who was “relieved” or his duties as host – or was fired, or “retired” – was kidnapped last night soon after he arrived in Las Vegas.

There was no ransom requested yet, but sources close the Lewis family say that the MDA “thugs” want to keep Jerry Lewis “quiet” until after the Telethon is over.

What appeared to be the last and best chance for Jerry Lewis to participate in this weekend’s MDA Telethon unraveled on Saturday. Musicians who had been hired to perform with Lewis on Thursday night for a video clip to be recorded were informed that the session had been canceled.

This year’s MDA Telethon airs live from Las Vegas.

No official confirmation has yet been furnished by the MDA, South Point or Lewis himself as to his current status for this year’s show.

Lewis spokeswoman Candi Cazau was outraged at the kidnapping and said that Lewis had “no intention of interrupting the telecast.  He was dis-invited and he was going to respect their decision, no matter how foolish it was. But kidnapping him is beyond the pale.”

Las Vegas Police and the FBI are searching Las Vegas, Palm Springs and Los Angeles for Jerry Lewis..

In his most recent public appearance Aug. 20 at Red Rock Resort, where he received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Nevada Broadcasters Association, Lewis was in lively spirits and did not seem upset with the fact that he was cut from the MDA telectast.

“But behind the scenes, he was livid,” said a source close to Lewis.  “He vowed to take revenge, and I guess MDA felt that they needed to kidnap him, so he wouldn’t ruin the telecast.  I understand it.”

WASHINGTON -  Due to the poor economy, Congress voted today to rename Labor Day. This year it will be called “Sex Day.”

Leaders of the House and Senate called their members back to Washington today for a vote on renaming Labor Day.  Nancy Pelosi told reporters, “There are too many people out of work to have a proper Labor Day celebration. It just reminds people how bad the economy is. It’s too depressing. At the same time, we learned this week that the U.S. birth rate is at a all-time low, so we need to encourage our citizens to have sex and make more American babies.”

“What better way to spend a day off than having sex all day,” said Vice President Biden, who initiated the plan for Sex Day.  “And since nobody really has any money for vacations anymore, why not just go into the bedroom and take a little sex vacation with your loved one?  It’s free, it’s fun and… the kids you’ll have next May will love it!”

Conservatives immediately objected to the renaming of Labor Day. “Sex is not the answer!  We need job, job, jobs,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell.  But when Scott Brown, Senator of Massachusetts was asked what he thought he said, “Actually, I think sex is the answer.  I don’t know what the question is, but sex is always a good answer.”

Americans across the country seem to be embracing the new name for the September holiday.   Many Americans are planning on staying at home and “getting busy.”  “I like the idea,” said Jonathan Wilson of New York.  “Maybe my wife will alter our sex schedule for once.”  Wilson’s wife, Cheryl, responded, “Maybe my husband will last more than two minutes on Monday.”

Congress is hoping for a big baby boom next May.  “What would be perfect if we had millions of babies born next May 1st, which is International Worker’s Day. We can make all those babies official members of the AFL-CIO upon birth.  That’s be wonderful for the country.”

The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City. It became a federal holiday in 1894, when, following the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. Marshals during the Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland  put reconciliation with the labor movement as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, Labor Day was made a national holiday .

There’s no conflict this year, so Sex Day is a national holiday.

Lola Ridge, a 25-year-old escort in New York City strongly supports the new holiday.  “I think everybody should have sex, not just couples trying to have babies. There should be one day a year where everybody should be ordered to have sex.  And if you’re in New York, call me.  I’ll give you a holiday discount.”

President Obama plans to go to Camp David for the national day of sex.    He recommends all Americans rest up on Sunday in order to prepare for a wild day on Monday.  “Get your freak on,” said President Obama.

Let the foreplay begin!

WASHINGTON, DC – A government think tank has come up with a plan to put $10,000 cash in every family’s pocketbook… and key congressional leaders are meeting with President Barack Obama to consider it!

The exciting plan, which has been kept under wraps since it was first suggested in June, is based on the belief that giving money to every adult citizen in the country would stimulate mass spending, giving the economy a boost and creating millions of new jobs. The money would be a no-strings-attached gift, with the only condition that it must be spent on American-produced goods and services. It is believed it will bring America out of the recession, to join countries like England that are already recovering.

“They’re expecting unemployment levels to plummet as people start spending the extra money,” said a congressional source familiar with the elements of the new plan. “All sectors of the economy will have to tool up to produce durable goods and luxuries for the marketplace as consumers rush out to buy, buy buy.

“For the average American, this is going to be an incredible windfall offering substantial long-term benefits. It’s a terrifically expensive plan that will tack on about $2.2 trillion to the already swollen Federal deficit, but the experts believe we can make it all back in just a few years. They expect that once the upward economic spiral begins we will see a new era of prosperity that should last for years and years.”

The plan – dubbed the Cash Incentive Option – has already been discussed with select senators and congressmen, who appear to view the plan favorably, sources say. Even Republicans, who will fight it at the beginning, will be unable to say no to money for their state’s citizens.

“If this plan goes through – and it appears right now that it certainly will – every one of the 218 million adults in this nation will get a check for $10,000 in the mail. They’ll be able to spend the money any way they want – for vacations, as the down payment for a new house, for a new car, for clothes, anything at all.

“Yet unbelievably, this isn’t a giveaway plan. We’re expecting that every cent the government spends will be returned to the public coffers two or three times over. It’s a terrific idea and we have great hopes for it.”

A spokesman for the Obama administration refused to confirm or deny the existence of the cash award plan. However, it is expected to be announced shortly before the Labor Day weekend.