NEW YORK, NY – The battle for number one is finally over and the results are in!

The smoke has finally cleared and countless ego’s were shattered. The Burger Wars is never pretty and chains across the country are continuously fighting for that number one spot on the Zagat survey. Countless marketing campaigns were pitched, new product were tested, while old products were refined.

The quintessential category, the one that almost every fast-food chain wants to win, “Best Burger” revealed some shocking results. Your usual giants – McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King – cracked the top 5, but they didn’t win. They were pushed down the list by some new fierce competition. Five Guys, who didn’t even make the top 5 burger list last year, shot all the way up to No. 1. In-N-Out Burger settled for second place.

Best Burger

1. Five Guys

2. In-N-Out Burger

3. Wendy’s

4. Burger King

5. McDonald’s

The Zagat Fast-Food Survey took in 6,518 votes. Those voters averaged 6.1 meals per month at fast-food chains and 4.6 meals a month at full-service chains. When it came to rating the top food for mega chains – those with more than 5,000 U.S. locations – the results found the Golden Arches out of the top 5.

Top Food (Mega-Chains)

1.Wendy’s

2. Subway

3. KFC

4. Taco Bell

5. Burger King

To see the full details, check out the Zagat page. In hopes of retooling for next year’s war, some chains are making moves to shoot up the list. New plans and initiatives are being launched that will hopefully distinguish them from the crowd.

The BK has opened a specialty restaurant called the Whopper Bar, which serves up variations on the Whopper Sandwich. The flagship opened at New York’s Times Square, where BK groupies flocked to try novelty items like the Meat BEast – which includes crispy bacon, pepperoni, and melted American cheese – and the Bourbon Burger – which comes with onion rings and Bourbon-flavored sauce.

Krispy Kreme was relatively non-existent in the polls, but they’re looking to change that. The Donut chain is launching a cheeseburger – seriously. It’s a new take on cheeseburgers and it is sure to make your cholesterol level skyrocket. The idea is to slice a donut in half and throw some meat and cheese in the middle – called the Luther Burger.

Five Guys: Burgers and Fries isn’t opening up any new burger bars or creating a new donut burger – they’re just going to stick to what they do best. They’re known for their really tasty hamburgers – thanks to made-to-order sandwiches with fresh ingredients and unlimited toppings, for no extra charge.

Friday, June 5, is America’s National Donut Day! Do you know your doughnut celebrations?

Donut Day is always the first Friday of every June. It celebrates the popular treat, which is a sweet, deep-fried O-shaped piece of dough.

National Donut Day is a fairly old holiday, having been started in 1938 as a fund raiser for the Chicago Salvation Army. It originally served two purposes: to help the poor during the Great Depression, and to celebrate the Salvation Army “Lassies” of World War I. These women volunteered near the front line, providing soldiers with baked goods, mailing supplies and moral support.

When baked goods were difficult to procure, two volunteers, Margaret Sheldon and Helen Purviance, started handing out doughnuts, which became an “instant hit”. Sheldon wrote one day, “Today I made 22 pies, 300 doughnuts, 700 cups of coffee.”

Americans today are able to celebrate a number of ways!

• Dunkin’ Donuts has announced that participating stores will give every customer a free doughnut of their choosing with the purchase of any beverage.
• Krispy Kreme is offering one free doughnut per customer, no purchase required.
• Los Angeles residents can try a fancy $18 doughnut sampler platter at Grace, which includes flavors like salted caramel, pistachio and buttermilk brown butter glazed.

Coincidentally, today is National Running Day. Get that cardio in so you can spoil yourself tomorrow!

I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape over this gay marriage business.

Marriage is meant to be between one man and one woman – and one mother-in-law. If these namby-pambies get their druthers, the next step is same-sex in-laws!

Mark my words: every husband in America will have to have not one but TWO mothers in law, on the Supreme Court’s say so. Then men will be twice as wrong about everything, and driving too fast twice as often, too. Twice the nagging, twice the chores – and double the stink of Absorbine Jr you can’t get out of the damn house! (Why do you think they call it “Ben-Gay”? It’s all part of the conspiracy!)

You won’t be left out, wives. With TWO mothers in law, you’ll get twice the snide remarks about your “interesting” new hairdo or recipe for stuffing, and twice the “tsk tsks” when you reach for that second Krispy Kreme.

It’ll be equality gone crazy!

Those Gay Pride Parades were bad enough. My fellow Americans, the Man Upstairs didn’t mean for us to prance buck naked down Main Street U.S.A, in the fresh air and sunshine, playing disco music full blast. That’s why He gave us dark, smoky strip joints with sticky floors.

This all started when they put Paul Lynde in the center square. Ever since then, those gay libbers kept squeezing more K-Y onto the slippery slope, and America is going to hell in a fruit basket.

Soon our kids will be reciting the Pledge of Gay-legiance in school!

Call me a “homoglobin” if you will. But when they carve Cher’s face onto Mount Rushmore, don’t say I didn’t warn you!