LOS ANGELES – Producers of the hit Sandra Bullock drama, The Blind Side, announced today that Jesse James has agreed to co-star in the sequel.

James often calls himself the most hated man on the planet after he blind-sided his beautiful wife, Bullock, immediately after she won an Oscar for The Blind Side. Though most people on the planet still have no clue who James is, his ego continues to grow exponentially every day.  James said that if he hadn’t been born then Hitler would be considered the most hated man to ever live.  Sources close to James said, “help us!”

James was thrilled to hear about the film. In the last few days he has been in family court trying to get permission to move to Sandra Bullock’s new hometown of Austin, Texas. James’ first ex-wife Janine Lindermulder is trying to stop James from moving their daughter, Sunny, out of California.  In the meantime, Bullock is trying to find a city in the United States that has a permanent “No Jesse James” ban in place.

James and his first ex-wife are involved in an ongoing custody battle over their little girl, Sunny, who was being raised by James and Bullock. It has been reported that Bullock said she loved James’ children as her own.  But since then Lindermulder has been released from prison and Bullock and James have divorced. Janine claims that James’s desire to move Sunny to Texas “so his children could continue their relationship with Sandra Bullock” is “wholly unjustified” and “wholly creepy.”

The movie sequel is currently titled, The Blind Side II – Evolution of a Nazi.  It’s an almost-true story of Leigh Anne Tuohy (Bullock) who, when driving home after her adopted son gets signed by the Baltimore Ravens, finds a member of the Ku Klux Klan (James) lying in a ditch on the side of an Alabama road. Bullock backs up her car and takes the man in.  Her husband, Sean Tuohy, and their children want nothing to do with the racist, tattooed man (named Jesse James in the film), but Bullock believes it is her duty to try to change the man, make him a better person.

The film takes place in the Spring when Oher, played once again by Quinton Aaron, is home after the NFL season.  Oher takes James under his wing and James becomes torn between the beautiful family that has adopted him and his dear friends in the KKK, who repeatedly stand outside the house with torches. Bullock’s character assigns James the task of protecting the house against the KKK and the Aryan nation. “When you see them coming with their guns, you stand up there and protect us – you watch our blind side.”

Bullock has hired Quentin Tarantino to punch-up the script.  She doesn’t want it to be the same feel-good ending as the first film. The new ending will have James being savagely beaten by the football team of Briarcrest Christian High School.   The producers of James reality show, “Jesse James is a Dead Man” are happy with the plot twist.

James is currently looking for his next future ex-wife.  He plans on marrying her sometime this year and being in court with her by Spring of 2011.  Producers said that James’s personal plans will not affect the shooting schedule for Evolution of a Nazi.

MEMPHIS, TN – Ending the year on a high note, PhD Ape has announced he will meet with the man who distributed a racist song to RNC members.

Former Tennessee GOP Chairman Chip Saltsman, who is now running for Chairman of the RNC, distributed a mix CD of joke songs to RNC members whose votes he is courting. The track “Barack the Magic Negro” has put Saltsman into the national spotlight.

“Some people are calling him a racist,” PhD Ape said in a brief statement upon departing his charter flight in Memphis. “But I don’t believe that’s the case. He has a keen sense of humor and knows how to use seemingly controversial rhetoric to encourage a dialogue. Which is exactly what we’re doing now.”

“How can anyone call the Republican Party racist? There are four Latinos in the Party, at least one Asian American, and some African Americans. And only one member of the Palm Beach County Republican Executive Committee is in the KKK. Those are good numbers.”

Although Democrats have united in condemning Saltsman, members of the GOP are split between denouncing of the song and support for a longtime party member.

PhD Ape concluded his statement saying, “Like Mike Huckabee said, I believe that Chip would never intentionally disparage anyone. This is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Many in the GOP believe that the song was playful and not hurtful because the election of Barack Obama has brought an end to racism.”