ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

North Korea’s formerly deceased communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently been spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is dead, working tirelessly for the people from the afterlife.”

Here he is relaxing in his Georgia apartment:

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

ATLANTA –  Former President Jimmy Carter has reportedly headed to North Korea to help with the transition of power.

North Korea’s state-run news agency is reporting that former U.S. President Jimmy Carter expressed his condolences following the death of brutal dictator Kim Jong II.

“In the message Jimmy Carter extended condolences to Kim Jong Un and the Korean people over the demise of leader Kim Jong Il,” read a report on the Korean Central News Agency’s website.

Kim Jong Un was so touched that he asked President Carter to travel to North Korea to help him with the transition of power.  The former American President reportedly happily accepted.   Sources say he was a “big admirer” of Kim Jong-il.

As the North Korea media reported,  “President Carter wished Kim Jong Un every success as he assumes his new responsibility of leadership, and is looking forward to coming to North Korea to help make sure there is no change in government and that North Korea can continue to serve it’s people and its  leaders.”

The Korean Central News Agency is not normally an accurate news outfit , but The Washington Times also reported that Carter hasn’t denied the report.  And given some of his eccentric policy comments over the past several years, Carter’s condolences to Pyongyang might not come as much of a surprise.

Is he really traveling to North Korea to aide the new dictator?

“I wouldn’t be surprised.  Carter has a soft spot in his heart for dictators,” said a source close to a Senator in Georgia.

Carter has visited North Korea twice since 1994. After an attack on a South Korean island last year, Carter said it was “designed to remind the world that they deserve respect in negotiations that will shape their future.”

Here’s ten little known fun facts about Dear Leader.

1.  A former chef said staff had to make sure the grains of rice he ate were the same size and color.

2.  He kidnapped two South Korean film directors in 1978 because he thought all the filmmakers in his own country were awful.  He was a film buff with a reported collection of 20,000 foreign films. Loved Rambo.  He also made a number of short films and one of his subordinates posted them to Funny or Die – which turned out to be a big mistake for the subordinate.

3.  When he had to take painkillers after falling off a horse, he made a handful of his staff take the same medication. He also made the horse take the pain medication – and his dogs

4.  He imported more than $500,000 worth of Hennessy per year and insisted that things like roast donkey and live lobsters be flown in fresh to his train during travels.   He also liked to eat pit bulls – and requested that the finest pit bulls from America be flown in for him to eat.   Meanwhile, his people starved.

5. His official bio at various times claimed he was the world’s greatest golfer (five holes-in-ones on his very first round!), could control the weather with his mood, and … did not defecate.  That’s right.  He never pooped – not once in his life.  He was the first non-pooper in human history.   And his urine?  Well, they say it was gold, pure gold.

6.  In 2010 Kim Jong-Il banned the World Cup from being broadcast in North Korea unless the national team won. The communist country’s state-run TV stations were ordered not to broadcast live matches or games involving other nations, with only heavily edited highlights of North Korean victories permitted to be screened.  If the national Korean team every DID lose, he would have them come to his palace, take off all their clothes and lie face down on the palace floors for days.  He would “prod them” with a Dear Leader pole once a day.

7.  Upset by the lack of film-makers in his native land, in 1978 Kim arranged for two South Korean directors to be kidnapped from Hong Kong and brought to him. They tried to escape but eventually relented, making a string of movies for him including the cult Godzilla rip-off  Pulgasari.

8.   As well as being something of a foodie, Kim knew his booze. According to Hennessy, Kim was one of their single biggest customers, importing $800,000 worth of the cognac every year.

9.   Dear Leader was obsessed with Katy Perry.  He often danced around his palace singing “I Kissed A Girl”.  He sent Perry numerous love letters and sent a North Korean spy team to England to steal her away from Russel Brand.  They never made it – and instead defected to Portugal.

10.  One of his unofficial titles was The Central Brain.   He often said that his brain was ten times bigger than Einstein’s and told sources close to him that President Obama’s brain was the smallest of any leader on the planet.

And here’s a few more on video:

AUAYAN, Philippines – The strongest cyclone in years hit the Philippines on Monday.

A super typhoon hit the Philippines killing at least three people Monday, leaving a wasteland of fallen trees and power poles and sending thousands scampering to safety in near-zero visibility.

A retired general said bracing for the onslaught meant that they had to prepare for war – with North Korea

Super Typhoon Megi, blew across the northern Philippines, and was heading for China and Vietnam.  Leaders of all three countries believe that the North Koreans, who have been experimenting with climate manipulation, are responsible for the typhoon.

Strong currents on Vietnam’s flooded main highway swept away a bus and  of its passengers, including a boy pulled from his mother’s grasp. In China, authorities evacuated 140,000 people from a coastal province ahead of the typhoon.

The North Koreans have denied causing the typhoon, though the new leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Un said in a statement to reporters last week, “I want to cause a major typhoon in China and Vietnam and especially in The Philippines.”

PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.

Military analysts and State Department officials have determined that North Korean is responsible for tainted eggs found all across American.  Kim Jong-il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,  confirmed this when he said, “We will destroy your eggs and then we will come after your chickens.  Or maybe the chickens will come first. We don’t know.  But either way, we win and you lose.!”

A massive egg recall has had consumers scrambling to check their pantries for eggs that might be contaminated with salmonella. Even though the FDA recalled 228 million eggs produced in Galt, Iowa  (and distributed to wholesalers and food service companies nationwide), it felt that there was something more sinister going on with the eggs.

“We knew there was something funny going on when we noticed that the eggs had little Korean flags printed on them.”  Farmers in Iowa can’t explain how the North Koreans got the eggs into their facilities, but one farmer, Ned Woolfe said, “I told my wife I saw a battalion of Korean army soldiers in the barn, but she didn’t believe me.  She never believes me.”

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made an announcement today, “North Korea has violated our Egg Space.  We condemn these actions and ask that the North Koreans immediately withdraw their eggs.”  Asked how she thought the North Koreans could take their eggs back, Clinton said, “That’s their problem.  All I know is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

The North Koreans aren’t backing down and are now threatening to expand their attack on American ovoids.  “They are not satisfied with simply spoiling our eggs, they are now going after our egg whites as well.  “We’ve found traces of salmonella in cartons of Egg Beaters,” said FDA chief, Fritz Barnkopf.

The White House Staff has gathered in gathered into the Oval Office to war game the North Korean Egg Crisis, but David Axelrod said they hadn’t reached any conclusion. “They only thing we’ve decided conclusively is that it’s really hard to war game when the President is up in Martha’s Vineyard golfing and reading.”  Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President is being briefed hourly about The North Korean Egg Crisis and said the President has taken swift action already.  “He’s ate oatmeal for breakfast.”

The Weekly World News will crack this Korean egg mystery.  All our eggs are in this story basket.

LOS ANGELES – Bill Clinton returns to the US with freed North Korean prisoners.  Weekly World News has acquired a transcript of his exchange with Kim Jong Il.

This morning former President Bill Clinton returned on a plane with two American journalists who had been taken prisoner for entering North Korea illegally.  Their release was brokered by Clinton in a private meeting he had with the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

Last week Bill Clinton took it upon himself to fly to North Korea without the blessing of the White House or Washington DC.  Flying into Pyonyang the President met with Kim Jong Il to broker the release of the two American prisoners.

Kim Jong Il was pleased to meet with the former President, and was ready to turn the situation to his advantage.  Clinton was briefed by intelligence about Jong Ils interests and pastimes.  The two first made small talk in one of the royal palaces.  Then Jong Il showed Clinton through his personal library of music memorabilia.  Contained within the collection are first editions of Beatles albums, the coin tossed to put Ritchie Vallens on his fatal flight with Buddy Holly, and a mason jar filled with the soul of Robert Johnson.

Seeing an advantage Clinton offered some rare Elvis memorabilia in exchange for the journalists.  Secret Service agents produced the last sequined jumpsuit ever worn by The King in concert.  Then they produced an identical replica Clinton had made before leaving, which was fit to Kim Jong Ils measurements.  Jong Il was very pleased at this offering.  To further sweeten the deal, and to get Jong Ils promise to renew discussions on nuclear weapons, Clinton even threw in rare photographs of Elvis during his first black belt Karate test.  These are some of the only known photographs to show a fully grown Elvis being thrown around like a rag doll.

Within hours Clinton was on a plane with the two released journalists.  He and the two young ladies were said to enjoy the ride on his private jet, which is the only Former Presidential jet to be equipped with its own dance floor.

Kim Jong Il is said to still be running through his palatial home, wearing his Elvis replica jumpsuit and practicing Karate.

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain wants the US to take a more aggressive stance with North Korea, preferably using a ship that bears his name.

McCain urged the Obama administration on Meet the Press this Sunday to forcibly board a ship sailing from North Korea to Myanmar believed to carry UN contraband missile parts.  He said that the USS John McCain is nearby and ready for the job.

“If the ship needs to be forcibly boarded,” he went on to say, “naval officers can wear masks of my face.  This would have the dual effect of protecting the sailors’ identities and striking fear into the hearts of their enemies.”

He continued saying that the elevated tension between North Korea and the rest of the world was highly unfortunate.  John McCain offered to settle the dispute once and for all by challenging Kim Jong Il to a one-on-one Kumate style duel to the death.  To keep the fight fair and the results clear, he said it would be preferable if the duel was broadcast live on pay-per-view.

No official response has come from Pyonyang regarding McCain’s challenge to a duel.  However inside sources confirm that McCain did receive a signed copy of Kim Jong Il’s album “Lonely Mount Piktu Rambler.”

The Obama administration has insisted that it will remain vigilant of the North Korean ship, but hostile boarding will not be necessary.  John McCain maintains that he, ships bearing his name, and soldiers bearing his likeness, should be used to protect the country.

UPDATE: It has leaked that North Korea may fire a missile at Hawaii in early July. Is this the beginning of their invasion?

Japanese newspapers are reporting that North Korea may launch a Taepodong-2, with a range of up to 4,000 miles, from North Korea’s Dongchang-ni site on the northwestern coast. It would occur between July 4 and July 8.

This would probably be only a scare tactic, as the missile’s capable distance is 500 miles too short to reach the Hawaiian islands. However, South Korea would be easily reachable, and the launch may scare South Koreans into defecting, as laid out in proposed scheme below.

Will North Korea actually begin their crazy plan to take the United States?

June 12, 2009
PYONGYANG – Crafty dictator Kim Jong Il plans to conquer the United States of America in three easy steps without launching a single missile.

An although the scheme may sound absurd, it’s so crazy it just might work!

That is the chilling warning of a Japanese computer-science whiz who downloaded the detailed 42-page plan, complete with maps and timetables, after hacking into the North Korean spy agency – known officially as the Liaison Bureau of the Korean Workers Party – in early May.

The University of Tokyo grad student says he decided to expose the plan in Weekly World News only after his efforts to reveal them were squashed by the White House and mainstream U.S. publications.

“President Obama is trying to keep the focus on peaceful talks, but this seemingly preposterous threat is very real,” says the hacker, who identified himself only by his first name, Hiroshi, in an exclusive WWN interview.

“Kim Jong Il is crazy like a fox. He knows that in a nuclear confrontation with the U.S., he’d be creamed. That’s why he’s distracting us with his empty threats while going low-tech and attacking America by the last means anyone would expected – with boats.”

Here, according to the hacker, is the bizarre North Korean scheme:

PHASE ONE: “OPERATION ALOHA”

While U.S. troops are busy subduing Iraq, North Korea takes advantage of the situation by declaring that unless South Korea agrees to immediate reunification, it will launch a nuclear strike.

Terrified refugees fearing a nuclear holocaust on the Korean peninsula flee in flimsy wooden sailboats known as junks. Thousands of boats, packed to capacity, converge on the Hawaiian islands.

For humanitarian reasons, the U.S. Navy stops try to curtail the wave after the first hundred boatloads of ragged refugees. But the rest are packed with 800,000 well-armed North Korean troops who swarm out of the junks and seize control of Hawaii in a well-timed operation known as K-Day.

Within a matter of hours, America is down to just 49 states and North Korea has its first colony.

NEW YORK, NY – No doubt that most in America have heard of the NCAA tournament, if not gotten involved in an office pool, online contest, or friendly wager. Even President Obama filled out a bracket, where (true to Democratic form) he picked a ‘blue state school’ to win it, North Carolina. ESPN covered Bam’s picks with a segment called ‘Barack-otology’.

What most don’t know, however, is that the tourney has always been global, and the world’s foremost leaders and tyrants also get a case of March Madness.

Former British PM Tony Blair notoriously always picked Duke for his Final Four, noting it ‘seemed like the English thing to do’.  Pol Pot may have been a brutal leader, but that basketball savant once won a small fortune with Indiana in ’76.  And departed dictator Saddam Hussein once reportedly imprisoned every mid-major in his Army after heavily favored Arizona lost to a Colonial Conference team in the 2nd round.

And this year is no different.  According to anonymous sources found on a college blog, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il (a noted NBA fan) is having a helluva run in this year’s tourney, with 15 of 16 teams still alive, and his entire Final Four intact.  Said Kim, through an unconfirmed spokesman, “That Louisville game almost f***ed me.  And thank your ill-chosen God that I picked Zona.”

When pressed on how sports might help thaw relations between North Korea and US, Kim hesitated, and then conceded, “If Pitt beats Memphis in the final… I promise I’ll stop nuclear testing for at least a week.  See, I’m not unreasonable.”

Then, when asked if he would attend this year’s championship game in Detroit, if he had a shot to win, the little ball of hate replied, “Pyongyang is no treat, but it’s better than Motown.  Oh, and as to will I win my pool?  I’m the supreme commander, I always win.”

Kim continued, but his response was muffled by the maniacal laughter that all tyrants must have.

MISSOULA, MT – Kim Jong Il was seen performing in the most unlikeliest of places.

The Triple Deuce, a rural bar just outside Missoula, was visited by the dictator of communist North Korea last Thursday. Kim Jong Il attended the weekly open mic night, playing an acoustic set of blues and country standards with a few songs he wrote about his time on the road.

In the past few months, Korean authorities have come under fire for covering for their missing leader.  News agencies and governments have been skeptical of the military’s excuses, especially after obviously faked photos were released by North Korea’s official news agency.

Pyongyang’s Minister of Truth stated via phone, “Of course Our Dear Leader is here! He wouldn’t gallivant around the United States for months at a time and never call.  Absurd! He’s here right now!”

When asked if Weekly World News could speak to Kim, the Minister replied, “Just one moment. Dearest Leader, there’s a phone call for- Oh, sorry, he’s too busy teaching orphans to read.  That’s our Glorious Leader!” and then promptly hung up.

Kim Jong Il played a fifteen minute set including “Walk the Line” by Johnny Cash, “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks, Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You”, and songs he wrote titled “Sovereign Highway Rambler” and “Lonely at the Top of Mount Paektu”.

Crowds were unsure of how to react to the singing dictator.  Receiving mostly polite applause, he held back tears as he finished his final song and walked off the stage.  After paying for his two ginger ales, he left the bar.

The American government is unsure of what Kim Jong Il may be doing here or where he is going on his tour of the United States. State Department insiders believe he may be working on a solo album.  He was last seen heading south on I-15.