WASHINGTON – According to The Marist Poll, children in the United States no longer want to be astronauts.

The findings are the result of a three-month telephone survey of young Americans, ages six to twelve years. For the first time in forty years, astronaut fell out of the Dream Job Top Ten.

Linda Roderer, president of Kids Employment Assessment Strategies, believes the shift is a result of NASA’s upcoming last space shuttle launch. The Atlantis mission is now scheduled to take off on July 8th  from Kennedy Space Center.

“The kids know there will be no more space walks. It’s really a shame. As far as today’s kids are concerned, the astronaut dream is over. NASA is making a big mistake. They have enough trouble with funding from a generation that watched Neil Armstrong’s walk. Imagine forty years from now, they’re not going to get a penny from these kids.”

Concern is also building within the Halloween retail sector. The American Costume Association forecasts a glut of astronaut suits, from infant to teen sizes, will sit on shelves. Bob McKenzie, regional sales manager for Seasons Costumes, speculates that kids will return to some other classic get-ups.

“They’ve just given up on the space dream. We’re making adjustments in our wholesale pricing and in-store display arrangements. We’re making a lot more room for UPS uniforms and train conductors.”

2011 Dream Job Top Ten (ages 6-12)

1.    Doctor
2.    Vet
3.    Athlete
4.    Pop Singer
5.    Firefighter
6.    Police Officer
7.    Pilot
8.    Actor
9.    Spy
10.    Model/Dietitian

SYDNEY – Australian koalas are being struck down by a version of AIDS, and may soon become extinct!

Koalas are being infected by a version of AIDS called KIDS, or Koala Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It strikes more quickly than the human strain, and is leaving koalas open to a number of deadly diseases, including chlamydia.

It is believed that the national population of koalas has dropped from 100,000 to 43,000 in only a matter of six years. If the decline continues, koalas could be gone by 2040!

See the devastating report below:

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sources report that you can expect little waiting time for some of today’s most dramatic rides.The emotional roller coaster is always open for business and can accommodate as many as six billion passengers per trip.  There is no height requirement, and guests are encouraged to bring their families and friends along with them,

The ride has seen an increase in business since the closing of the financial merry-go-round, but is well-equipped to handle the overflow.  Admission is one personal crisis ticket, payable at the door.

It is not recommended that pregnant women or people suffering from a heart condition board the roller coaster, but there is nonetheless a car at the front reserved for them.  Parents with small children are warned that they knew what they were getting into.

Dizziness, nausea, sudden elation, and a sinking sense of despair are natural when riding.  If the symptoms become overwhelming, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and engage in prolonged, expensive, and ineffective therapy.

Please enjoy the enjoyable portions of the roller coaster.  Remember to exit only when the ride has come to a complete stop, and then as quickly as possible, because it will be starting again soon.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!