After years of  digging by the world’s top private investigators, they have determined conclusively where Barack Obama was born:  Mars!

It was announced to today that Jerome Corsi is publishing his latest “Swift Boat” boat, entitled, “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE? The Case that Barack Obama is not Eligible to be President.”

Jerome Corsi is the man who torpedoed John Kerry’s presidential dreams with SWIFT BOAT (his first book) and has gone underground and is holding his new findings a secret.

BUT, WWN has insiders in the Corsi camp and we’ve learned EXCLUSIVELY that the BIG secret that will be revealed in the book:  Barack Obama was born on Mars.

“It’s utterly devastating,” reveals a source close to the publisher. “Obama may learn things he didn’t even know about himself.  Like the fact that he was born on Mars and brought to Earth by helpful aliens from Planet Zeeba!”

Many Republicans have long suspected that President Obama was not born on this planet.  “He’s got some extraterrestrial type powers,” said John Boehner, Speaker of the House, “that’s how he got so many to vote for him, he put some kind of Zeeba mind meld on everybody.”

Corsi proves that there is no record of Obama being born anywhere on this planet and proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Obama was born on Mars.

The president’s attorneys are scrambling to stop the publication of the book.  “The President was born on Earth.  The people of the country take him at  his word.  He IS an earthling,” said Jay Carney, The White House Press Secretary.

There is another startling revelation in the book.  Not only was President Obama born on Mars… so was Donald Trump. They are Martian brothers!

NEW YORK -  Donald Trump’s birth certificate is a fake.  He was actually born in Kenya!

Donald Trump has appeared on a number of shows in the last week – including The View and The O’Reilly Factor – to question whether Barack Obama has a birth certificate or not.

The Donald then produced his own birth certificate, but under close examination it turned out to be a fake.  WWN investigated the birth of Trump.

“It’s amazing, but after researching his birth, we learned he was born in Nairobi, Kenya,” said New York’s famous detective, Bo Dietl.  “Donald’s father,  Donald John Trump, was in Nairobi making real estate deals, when his wife, Mary Anne, gave birth to Donald, Jr. on June 14, 1946.

Trump insiders say that this is the main reason he is pushing to prove that Obama was not born in Hawaii – he wants to share a common heritage with Obama!

WWN learned that Trump has a wife, Abasi, and two children – Doma and Chiku – in Nairobi.  Here’s Trump and Abasi:

This, of course, means that Trump can not run for President in 2012.

DALLAS  – A rare pink hippo, spotted on a farm outside Dallas, was soon shot dead by a local rancher.

They say you have to be drunk to see pink elephants. But you really have to be sober to see a rare pink hippo, as two farmers recently did, near Bowie, Texas.

Brothers Jud and Lucas Berne wrote on their blog about their shock at seeing the animal, roaming with the other cattle on their farm.

“We have just returned from a trip to grocer store when we spotted that dang hippo.  We nearly spit, when we saw that.  We called the local authorities and they came over to take it to the zoo,” Jud told WWN.

Authorities confirmed that the young, rosy-colored animal was, in fact, a hippopotamus.  “National Geographic called and said they wanted to come and take some pictures, and after I asked Rancher Kellogg if it was okay, because that dang hippo was on his land, we said yes and they came over.”  Lucas said.  “I love National Geographic. They show some nice naked ladies.”

No one could explain how a hippopotamus – usually found in Africa – could have made it’s way onto a farm in Dallas, but there were a lot of theories flying around Bowie.  “I think that pinko thing got swept up in a hurricane that got going in Africa and it just flew over here and landed on the Jones farm,” said Thelma Whyte.  “Pigs don’t fly, but it looks like hippos do.”

Pink HIppo in the mud

The whole town of Bowie came out to see the animal.  But somebody forgot to tell Old Man Jones about the hippo.  “He saw the pink animal running around between the calves and thought it was a sick pig or something,”  Jud said.   “He blasted that hippo to smithereens.”

Local Animal Control, Bowie Police and National Geographic photographers tried to save the pink hippo, but there was nothing left but a bunch of intestines lying on the ground. “Old Man Jones is a dead-eye.  He sure is,” said Lucas.

“Too bad he shot him with buckshot… would made a tasty meal,” said Jud.  “Oh well, maybe another flying hippo will land in Bowie.  I hope so.”

Well, if hippos do fly, they might want to bypass Dallas… head for Sedona, Arizona or Los Angeles.  They might survive a little longer.

WASHINGTON D.C. – According to a new poll a majority of the GOP thinks that President Obama is a racist, socialist, and non-US citizen.  Their other beliefs will shock you!

A new poll was released by Daily Kos, outlining the beliefs of Republicans and their extreme distrust of President Obama.  Over two thousand self-identified Republicans were polled across the country.  It is important to note that the self-identified Conservatives, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, and Independents, who are even more politically conservative and make up roughly half the Fox News demographic, were not included in the poll.

39% of Republicans believe President Obama should be impeached.  27% believe impeachment should be considered.  When asked exactly what laws President Obama has broken that would warrant impeachment, participants were unsure.  58% answered something to the effect that “He’s trying to destroy America!”

63% of Republicans think that President Obama is a Socialist.  58% believe that he is trying to turn America into a European style Socialist country.  45% of Republicans believe that Obama considers Vladimir Lenin a personal hero.  27% believe that it is at least feasible that the President does or at one time has dressed up as Lenin.  18% believe that the President or the Democratic Party purchased Lenin’s remains after the fall of the Soviet Union and looks on it regularly for inspiration.    3% believe that Obama is Lenin reincarnated and getting revenge on the United States.  85% of Republicans are unsure of the difference between Socialism and Communism.

53% of Republicans think it is likely that President Obama was not born in the United States.  39% believe he definitely was not, and that the Democratic Party has successfully covered up the truth of his birth in Kenya.  This is all while being unable to pass the Health Care bill while holding a super-majority.

23% of Republicans believe that ACORN stole the 2008 election, with 55% of Republicans unsure.  21% believe their state should secede from the union.  12% would, in that case, support Glenn Beck as President of the new Conservative States of America.

53% of Republicans believe President Obama “wants the terrorists to win.”  37% believe it’s possible and warrants are being looked into.  49% believe the President is himself a “secret muslim.”  41% believe he is a “racist who hates white people.”    19% believe the President is the Antichrist, sent by Satan to destroy the human world.  48% of Republicans believe he is a likely candidate, but haven’t decided yet.  58% of Republicans think he could possibly be the Antichrist and a Socialist, Communist, Racist, secret Muslim, Kenyan native all at the same time.

I’m madder than a Polak with a burned out lightbulb!

Did you hear the news? Obama’s grandma in Africa finally got electricity! It’s true—and not because the big shot Communist-in-Chief ordered it for her, either.

Nope, those idiot hippies with Greenpeace took a break from bothering Eskimos, and fixed up Grandma Obama with some solar powered set up.

Of course it was solar – what else does Africa have a lot of except sunshine? Maybe goats or something, but their horns would get caught in the generators…

Now Obama’s grandma is just like the rest of us – she has to look at her grandson’s face on the TV 24 hours a day, too!

She better not get sick of seeing him, or he might pull the plug on grandma!

But Obama’s half brother still lives in an African hut and makes ten dollars a year, while his crippled aunt lives in public housing here in the U.S. of A. – until she gets deported, that is.

Aren’t you thrilled that Obama takes such good care of his relatives? Just think of how much he cares about YOU, and how great it’ll be when the Teleprompter Kid takes over your medical care!

I guess if you’re lucky, a bunch of professional tree huggers might stop by one day and hook you up with your own solar powered life support machine! But only if you’re one of the President’s relatives – the rest of us’ll be outta luck!

Anyway, the libs wanna name the new health care laws about Ted Kennedy, and that’s pretty smart, when you think about it: after all, under the new plan, we’ll all be left to die a slow and painful death too, just like Ted’s girlfriend!

CHICAGO, IL – Obatma was wrongly arrested this morning for conspiring to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his chief of staff were arrested Tuesday morning after the FBI revealed wiretaps exposing Blagojevich’s plans to trade the Senate seat for cash and a well-paying job for his wife.

Obatma was also picked up from his makeshift cave in Grant Park. FBI agents believed he was involved in the planning but were admittedly confused by his motives. Why would Obatma conspire against his own half-brother’s old seat?

Upon reviewing the tapes, the error was found. Obatma’s grasp on English, let alone any human language, is extremely poor. Obatma was able to explain through a sonar interpreter that when Blagojevich called, he thought they were talking about selling seeds for honey. Honey is very valuable in his home country of Kenya, and Obatma occasionally ventured from his cave to trade seeds with the honey hunting Ogiek tribe.

The taped conversation went as follows:

R: I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. The seat is a valuable thing – you just don’t give it away for nothing.
O: squeak!
R: I want to make money.
O: squeak squeak!
R: Are you in?
O: squeeeeaaaaaaak!
R: Wow. Keep our fingers crossed. You’re the man. Good job, son.

Obatma was returned to his cave, but not before he was given five minutes to sit in the front seat of the police car and turn the sirens on and off repeatedly.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Obatma appeared on Larry King Live last night to “tell” his life story.

Due to his inability to form human words, Obatma used an easel and markers to describe his difficult childhood in Kenya. Obatma grew up in the total darkness of caves with only wall paintings to keep him entertained. He did not disclose how he ended up there, only that he felt very alone and neglected.

He then went on to explain how he was discovered by a local university professor, who upon seeing him, made the connection with President Elect Barack Obama. His description of the day he was led out of the darkness to meet his new half-brother left many viewers extremely touched. Obatma’s drawings of his acceptance into his new Obama family even had King shedding a tear.

Democratic Party insiders noted that this personal appeal may be in preparation of his rumored appointment to Obama’s presidential cabinet as Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. One source explained, “We’ve got to make him as cute as possible for the American public to accept him and the new Bureau. Humans will not want to feel like Obama is putting creepy mutants before us.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Towering, 9-foot basketball player Koyati has no trouble keeping one eye on the ball – the Maasai hoop star is a real-life Cyclops! This gentle giant is starting his basketball career today, at the open of the 2009-2009 NBA season.

“My dream was to be a great hunter,” Koyati explains through an interpreter. “But I was too big, too loud. So I went with my second choice,” he laughed.

Koyati, who stands head and shoulders over the tallest U.S. player, is part of Kenya’s Maasai tribe, who are renowned for their height. However, his cyclopean nature can be a disadvantage.

“Since Koyati has only the one eye in the middle of his forehead, his depth perception is not so good,” admits his sports agent Bruce Simmons. “But once he’s in position under the basket, all his teammates have to do is get the ball to him and he can score at will. He can dunk while standing flat-footed on the floor!”

Koyati will be playing for the Washington Wizards, which, given his own supernatural attributes, has been a perfect fit. Anticipation of his first game is so intense that Wizards fans have already started lining up outside the Verizon Center stadium, wearing patches over one eye in his honor.

See if Koyati helps the Wizards trounce the New Jersey Nets tonight at 7:00pm EST!

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.

Accompanied by her spiritual advisor, Pastor Muthee, Palin will canvass her hometown of Wasilla for witches.  Muthee is famous for reducing crime in Kenya by ridding towns of the witches following the teachings of Satan.

Palin and Muthee believe that Wasilla, given the unflattering nickname “The Meth Capitol of Alaska,” is a prime target for a witch hunt.

“There has been a lot of talk lately about patriotism.  Nothing is less patriotic than Satan,” the Governor’s husband Todd told reporters outside of Speedy Donuts after a recent campaign stop in suburban Ohio.

“On Columbus Day, Sarah is going to do her patriotic duty of hunting down the witches that are defiling Wasilla with their vile practices.  What better way to spend America’s birthday than on a good old fashioned, Salem-style witch hunt?”

Responding to a question on if she thought killing witches was her patriotic duty, Governor Palin said, “Doggonit, you betcha!”

Asked if she believed Columbus Day, rather than Independence Day, marked America’s birthday, the Governor replied, “In what way, Charlie?”