SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.

The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.

Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.

Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.

A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.

Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.

A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.

The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.

It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.

Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3826/gop-gathers-to-summon-next-leader/feed/ 0 Reginald Cunningham III conservativeseance http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/3743/obama-names-intergalactic-un-ambassador/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/3743/obama-names-intergalactic-un-ambassador/#comments Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:39:00 +0000 Samuel T. Westbrook http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3743 ]]>

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama held a press conference early this morning to announce his appointee to the Inter-planetary organization.

Standing next to Intergalactic United Nations Supreme Allied Commander, Trrgufchk Skgrt, Obama declared Reggie Love would be accepting the position. Longtime Obama friend and personal aide, Reggie will be rewarded for his years of dedication with one of the most coveted ambassadorships in the universe.

Obama told reporters at the conference, “Reggie Love is a dedicated and passionate American and Earthling.  He will represent our interests well and see to it that the decisions of the galaxy stand up to the standards the American people expect of the Intergalactic community.”

“It’s an honor to be given such an important role,” Love told reporters following the announcement.  “To represent America and the people of Earth in front of the entire galaxy is a humbling responsibility.”

Not missing a beat, Republican strategist and hate-monger Karl Rove commented, “Well it’s nice to see that Obama is already rewarding friends with cushy appointments.  Is that change we can believe in?”

Love is expected to take up his appointment within a matter of weeks, potentially even before Obama is inaugurated.  Bush had refused to name an appointee after the IGUN refused to send troops into Iraq.

NEW YORK – Viewers of Fox News morning talk show, Morning Joe, report seeing political pundit Karl Rove’s brain escaping his head mid-sentence.  Karl Rove’s brain reportedly flew through the studios until it found an open door.

Upon exiting the building, the brain flew south on 6th Avenue knocking over three people wearing Obama For President t-shirts before ascending into the sky and entering a waiting alien ship.

“This is not change we can believe in.  Its more of the same!” Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden is quoted as saying after hearing of the incident.

Back in the studio, Morning Joe kept rolling.

“He just kept on talking.  It was like nothing changed once his brain left,” says Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough, confirming long-standing allegations that the words that come out of Karl Rove’s mouth are not the result of a properly functioning brain.

When asked about this morning’s events, MSNBC anchor, Keith Olbermann replied, “I was actually more surprised by the angel wings.  I really thought it would have been bats wings, or serpent wings.  Who would have thought angel wings on Karl Rove’s brain?”

Sightings of the alien ship were reported throughout the morning above major cities on the East Coast.  Stay tuned for more information regarding the whereabouts of the alien aircraft transporting Karl Rove’s brain.