PHILADELPHIA – Michael Vick bought a new dog – a beagle!

NFL star and current starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Michael Vick, made headlines three years ago when he was convicted of dogfighting.  Well,  now he’s bought a new dog – it’s a beagle for the Eagle!

As part of Vick’s dogfighting sentence, a judge banned Vick from owning a dog ever again.  But there are three reasons the judged changes his mind and rescinded the ban:  1)  Though injured, Vick is doingwell as an NFL quarterback, thrilling NFL fans with his play; 2) Vick has won over the hearts and minds of the citizens of The City of Brotherly Love;  and 3) Vick’s daughters really want a dog.   “Ah, come on, we can’t deny the girls a dog,” said Judge Herman Wilton of  West Virginia.

After the judge announced his decision, Vick immediately ent out and bought a cute, little beagle.  He named the dog, HutHut.

Here they are together on the gridiron:

Vick thinks that having HutHut as a pet is a big step in his rehabilitation process.

“Having a pet in my household, shows people that I care for animals.”

William Tacatoo, president of the Humane Society of the Pennsylvania, says he has been around Vick a good deal over the last two years and feels confident Vick would be a great pet owner.  “He loves dogs, he really does.”

WICHITA, KS – A UFO was spotted over Kansas.

Ken Pfeifer submitted the following account to The UFO Chronicles:

My wife and I took our dog for a walk some time after 9pm. We had barely even begun our walk around Harvest Park when I noticed the lights in the sky. Two craft, closer than I’ve ever seen two craft together.

They weren’t air show close, but they were closer than I could imagine would be safe for civilian craft, with one slightly elevated above the other. They were identical, and had both solid and blinking lights, the color of which I would describe as a deep, saturated yellow. They were low, less than 20 degrees above the horizon, traveling at a steady rate of speed without changing direction. The air speed wasn’t out of range of terrestrial craft, but they were moving at a pretty good clip.

I stopped and watched the craft track from east to south as my wife walked on. I listened intently, but heard nothing but the wind. And the wind was coming from the direction of the craft. No jet engine roar. No propeller noise. No helicopter sound. They were so low, they actually disappeared behind trees on the horizon. I ran to catch up with my wife.

No sooner did I reach her and the dog than we spotted another pair of identical craft to the north, heading west. These were a bit farther off and slightly higher up, but they were just as close to each other.

It gets stranger. I wanted to rule out helicopters before making a final judgement, so I made a series of phone calls. First, I called Wesley Medical Center, Wichita Life Watch and Eagle Med to determine they didn’t have any helicopters paired up and working over Wichita at the time. I called the local FAA who said they didn’t know of anything. They pointed me to the Mid-Continent control tower.

This is where my hunt for an answer took a turn. I had a very weird conversation with a woman named Peggy. I literally didn’t even have my question out before she was answering it. No there wasn’t anything going on. She was outside at that time and didn’t see anything. But here’s the deal – I hadn’t even mentioned the time frame before she had begun answering my question, and confidently at that.

My intuition was screaming. I have no proof, but I can tell you it seemed very much like she knew exactly what I was talking about before I was even done talking about it. She was outside at that time and didn’t see anything? She started answering before I even mentioned the time! I quickly developed the impression I might be the first person she’d talked to about lights in the sky last night.

Then Peggy suggested I talk to the TV news stations in town. If anything was going on, those people always knew about it, she said. She was almost confrontational at this point. But I wasn’t looking for information on UFOs, and I hadn’t even alluded to them. I was looking for info on aircraft in the sky at that time. Why did she go there? Why was the traffic control information person pawning me off to news stations about craft in the sky, anyway? Does. Not. Add. Up!

Last night was warm and there were other people out and about. I figured if my wife and I saw something over a densely populated area, certainly someone else did. So I checked UFO stalker this morning. I do this almost daily anyway, and I can tell you it’s rare to have a recent MUFON report from our region.

Anything close is usually from Oklahoma or Kansas City (there has been a spate of sightings of multiple orange lights there recently). But lo and behold, there was a marker over Wichita, KS this morning – the first since May 23! Seems someone on the east side of town saw something, too. This sighting is similar in that there were two craft together, but these were described as orange lights.

TOPEKA, KS - Defiant 8-year-old swallows his new iPod Shuffle.

Mp3 players along with pretty much every other electronic device on the market are getting smaller and smaller every year. One of the more popular brands on the market is the Apple iPod. The iPod Shuffle is the smallest of Apple’s iPod line up currently measuring 1.14 x 1.24 x 0.34 inches and weighing a mere 0.44 ounces. Although not on the top of many children’s list of wants; many parents opt for the Shuffle for their children as it is the least expensive of the of mp3 players.

“This [iPod Shuffle] is by far the most economic choice for most. Families need to find a way to introduce technology to their children at an early age and mp3 players are excellent for this purpose,” said Jean Shuster, mother of two and author of Integrating Children into the Digital Age with High-tech Toys, “Children tend to lose things on a regular basis making the Shuffle a good fit.”

However, Margie Jones decision to purchase the Shuffle for her son Timmy turned out to be pricier than she had bargained for.

On Timmy’s 8th birthday he was give a brand new iPod Shuffle. At first Timmy was ecstatic seeing the tiny device but soon became frustrated when he discovered that the shuffle was not a touch screen device and that it did not play games. Margie recounts that he had a “pouty face” for most of that day refusing to cooperate in every manner possible.

When dinner time rolled around, Timmy like many children refused to eat any of his fruits or vegetables that were served to him. Margie told Timmy that he had to eat them. Timmy continued to refuse. Having had enough of the insubordination for the day, Margie finally caved in with a compromise where Timmy would only have to eat one piece of fruit or one vegetable.

Timmy, being the brat that he was, turned on his iPod Shuffle to random and swallowed it whole. “There Mom, I ate an apple!” he screamed at her.

Immediately, Margie rushed him to the ER explaining to the doctors what had happened. The doctors informed Mrs. Jones that Timmy would simply have to pass the pod. Until that happens though, Timmy will continue to fart Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind” and we all know how much that stinks.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – A powerhouse search engine is having a little fun in the spirit of April Fool’s Day!

If you haven’t done so already, you might want to stop by Google’s, mum, Topeka’s search page. The popular phrase “Google it” will be replaced by “Topeka it” for all of today. The change of name is not random, but rather a shout out to Topeka, Kansas.

The mayor of Topeka announced early last month that his city was changing its name to Google. Mayor Bill Bunten said, “Don’t be fooled. Even Google recognizes that all roads lead to Kansas, not just yellow brick ones.”  The name change was unofficial, and lasted for the entire month of March. The initiative was in hopes to land a spot on Google’s “Fiber for Communities” program. The program, launched by Google this year, promises to install new broadband cables in random communities around the United States.

“We’ve been wondering ever since how best to honor that moving gesture,” a spokesperson wrote on the company’s official blog. “Today we are pleased to announce that as of 1AM (Central Daylight Time) April 1st, Google has officially changed our name to Topeka.”

In addition to the Web site name change, Google, or rather Topeka, has announced other wide-sweeping changes to the company. Employees will be referred to as “Topekans” instead of “Googlers” and there’s been a push to use “Topeka’ed” as a verb in Web searches. The change is by no means permanent, but rather a one-shot deal. All things should return to normal tomorrow.

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

PADUKAH, KA — One of our nation’s great myths is that Native Americans were the only people living in this country when the European settlers arrived.

“There was another race,” American historian George St. Jones announced at a recent History Network Symposium. He held a small, tattered book high above his head. “I found this diary of one James Smith in the Padukah, Kans., library archives. It tells of the Scarecrow Nation which made its home in the wheat and cornfields of the Midwest.”

According to the diary, the settlers’ arrival surprised the “strawmen,” who had tried to keep their presence a secret.

“They had hidden from the Native American tribes in the region and were caught with their overalls down,” St. Jones said. “We believe they evolved from a Pleistocene form of grain that prospered during the Ice Age. Either that, or the weight of the glaciers crushed cave people until their skin became flat, shredded strands. That would account for the slightly blue tint described by Mr. Smith.”

Drawings in the diary suggest that the average strawman stood 6 feet high and wore a plaid shirt, denim overalls and a floppy hat.  Their strange language contained many birdcalls and whistles, which made them adept at scaring off crows. Fragile but very intelligent, the strawmen were terrified the new arrivals would make them slaves — or worse.

“But the two groups not only became friends, they came to an arrangement,” St. Jones went on. “The settlers would protect the Scarecrow Nation from aggression and fires and, in return, the Scarecrows would stand in the fields all day to ward off the destructive crows. It was a win-win situation.”

The Scarecrows helped the new farmers survive the harsh seasons and often hostile environment.

“The ‘People of Thatch,’ as they were sometimes called, knew the land,” said St. Jones. “They’d been there for hundreds of years. Here on page 76, the diary’s author wrote, ‘Many of the men go to the strawmen with questions about seasons, sun, rain, soil, temperatures, planting and harvesting. The strawmen carry inside their heads a wealth of information about the natural world.’”

The diarist says that the Scarecrows would doze during the day, lying in stacks. The farmers went about their business, trying not to disturb them. If a Scarecrow were awake, the settlers might take a break from their labors and talk together. They would share water — which, along with sunshine, was the only sustenance the strawmen required.

“Unfortunately, more and more settlers came and one day the Scarecrow Nation just vanished,” said St. Jones. Reading from the diary he said: “‘June 1, 1823. I went to talk to their leader, a straw boss named Reed. When he failed to respond with his usual sing-song tootling, I had a closer look. Reed was gone, replaced by an inanimate replica. I looked around. The Scarecrows were all gone. We shall miss them.’”

A week later, while investigating the fields around Padukah, St. Jones heard a strange whistling sound on the wind. He thought it came from a series of caves known as Big Gypsum. However, when he went to discover the source he found nothing — except strands of straw on the dark cave floor.