JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin has landed the cover of Portfolio’s April 2009 issue with a photo of her wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, and she is not pleased.

Joe McGinniss’ cover story, “Palin and Wildlife: The Cold Hard Truth”, focuses on her terrible track record when dealing with wildlife conservation. She has opposed strengthening protections for beluga whales and polar bears, and has encouraged the control of wolf populations through promoting bounties and aerial hunting.

But the most damning charges pertain to the treatment of Sasquatches in Alaska. As loyal Weekly World News readers may recall, Sarah Palin posed with a Bigfoot she shot dead from a helicopter.

Since then she has constantly battled with conservationists over placing them on the Endangered Species list. As a seemingly provocative move, Portfolio used a photo of Palin wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, possibly the skin of the creature she shot last year.

Palin spokesman Bill McAllister has already released a statement about the piece: “Show me one shred of truth for this accusation: ‘Palin has systematically targeted the Sasquatch population time and time again.’ Senator Palin’s first and foremost responsibility is to the citizens of Alaska. She must protect them and their livelihood from these creature.”

“If that means not bending over backwards for radical conversationists, then so be it. She is ready and willing to take on their criticism, when it is fair and factual.”

Ashley Judd, a recent foe of Palin, is already planning a new video with the World Cryptid Federation in order to bring Palin’s treatment of Sasquatches to light. Judd will shoot on location in Alaska, where she will be filmed handfeeding a pack of Sasquatches Twinkies to prove they are not dangerous.

JUNEAU, AK – Sources inside the Alaska State Legislature confirm today that Governor Sarah Palin’s earmark pet project, the “Bridge to Nowhere” was partially funded by Alien Investors.

While construction of the bridge was halted after Governor Palin famously told Congress, “Thanks but no thanks!” a lesser-known “Road to Nowhere” was built using funds from a Martian investment-banking firm.

The “Road to Nowhere” in fact leads to a delicious, yet invisible to human eyes, Alien-franchised Quizno’s.

Quizno’s spokesman Alan Bremble told reporters, “We are proud to serve interplanetary travelers. There is nothing better to satisfy your hunger after traveling 100 million miles than a delicious oven-toasted sub.”

Experts have long debated why an alien race would engineer the technology for interplanetary travel. Some said it would be for universe-wide domination, enslavement of the human race, resource gathering, or to simply expand their knowledge of the universe. It seems we now know that these experts are wrong.

Bremble explains, “Nowhere in the universe can you get a better sub than Quizno’s”

Reached for comment, Governor Palin told Weekly World News, “Of course we want to build a strong relationship with the aliens. If they can travel through space, don’t ya think they’d be good allies against Russia… Not that we’re planning anything!” she laughed.