LOS ANGELES, CA – One reality TV star that won’t go away has pulled out another head-scratcher!

“I have planned this tattoo for years now. I wanted something that resembled a rebirth or a change in me,” Jon Gosselin told RadarOnline in a Monday report.

Jon is referring to his new, massive tattoo of a Korean dragon on his back. The former Jon & Kate Plus 8 patriarch chose the Korean dragon because, to him, it symbolizes rebirth and the circle of life.

“The dragon is all encompassing. It has all parts of the Zodiac,” he added.

The tattoo took a total of 14 hours and was completed a week ago in a Pennsylvania tattoo parlor. The dragon coils from his lower back to his shoulders and in its claws clutches a scroll with what looks like his children’s birthrates with their names in Korean beneath the numbers. Their reaction: “they love it and think it’s cool.”

This new tattoo is just one of many new changes for Jon. He has hired a new life coach and a new manager, Canaan Rubin.

“This tattoo for Jon marks this turning point in his life, and symbolizes his time of change, and improvement,” Rubin told Radar. “He has been actively exploring ways to better his life, become a better father, boyfriend, ex-husband, friend, business partner, everything.”

Talk about turning over a new leaf. We question whether this is really a “rebirth” or just a very expensive, permanent move to gain some publicity? Speaking of expensive, how is Jon financing his new body art, life coach and manager? Last time we checked, people aren’t exactly opening their checkbooks for the fizzling reality TV star.

We can only hope he’ll disappear like the Jersey Shore did. Oh wait, they’re back for a second season in Miami. Get the DVR ready.

NEW YORK, NY – The ego of one former reality TV star might not match the size of a certain “little” part of his body!

Jon Gosselin has been mired in rumors of appearing in Playgirl. There might be a need for money, now that his TV show is a distant memory, but Gosselin shouldn’t be expecting a big paycheck.

According to Life & Style magazine, ” “If Playgirl ever asks Jon Gosselin, 32, to pose nude, he may be a little insulted by the offer. ” “In an exclusive interview Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio tells the magazine, “We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000. His star is extinguishing, and he’s not very well endowed. Honestly,” Nardicio adds, “it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot.”

Jon’s exes have not exactly spoken very highly of him or complemented his manhood for that matter. In Steppin’ Out magazine, Hailey Glassman said of Jon, “he’s hung like a nine-year-old boy.” Kate Major also weighed in on his manhood. “I’m surprised he’s so ‘cocky’ because down there he’s not,” she told Life & Style.

If his star is fading, his former ex-wife’s star is burning pretty bright. Kate Gosselin has just recently been named to the cast of the latest season of Dancing with the Stars. To add insult to injury, Kate stands to win roughly $100,000 from the competition.

Greetings sentients!  It is I, your humble ambassador for the edification on all things epicurean, Mygar.  Today I shall be providing a Year in Review.

The year 2009 is quickly closing upon us.  That is, of course, provided you follow a Gregorian Calendar and not the Lunar, Jewish, Chinese or Intergalactic Standard Calendars.  Details aside, I like many will be glad to see this year come to a close.  Following are some of the culturally notable moments and personalities we saw in this past year.

Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety.  A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09.  The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson.  As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly.  The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze.  His star shone too bright to last long.  His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives.  May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.

Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce?  And no less than 8 times!?  Blessings be to those poor children.  Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television.  In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool.  Even his own children have matured past him at this point.  That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign.  Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances.  His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.”  Thank you Ed Hardy.  And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?

Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards.  I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after.  Your entire species should be ashamed.  When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Michael Jackson.
There is still some conjecture as to whether he is dead or simply faked his death to get away from the pressures of fame and his outstanding back taxes.  In any event Michael is no longer with us.  May peace be upon him.  His passing has given rise to one interesting cultural phenomena: it is now acceptable again to like Michael Jackson music.  Even on the night of his death strangers gathered to sing his songs that weeks before they would have flatly denied knowing all the words to.  With the passing of his more ludicrous recent persona people feel at liberty to enjoy the brilliant singing and dancing from his earlier career.  Through tragedy great art has prevailed.  Peace be upon you, Michael.

Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle.  The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa.  Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American.  I don’t eat American cheese.  I will tear off and fry my own leg first.  At least that’s imported!  And cocoa isn’t so bad.  It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.

So raise a glass with me this week to bid 2009 a well deserved goodbye.  May we all be happier for its departure.  And may the coming year be kinder to us all.

As always, Your Humble Servant,
Mygar

NEW YORK, NY – Jon Gosselin and Levi Johnston agree to be photographed nude together.  The Vatican confirms this could signal the end of times.

Johnston, famous for getting his girlfriend pregnant, ran into Gosselin, famous for getting his wife pregnant, at a totally unstaged photo shoot in New York for The Insider.  The two naturally hit it off and walked away from the meeting with big plans.  Playgirl magazine has since confirmed that the two will appear together in a nude photo shoot.

While most people find either person annoying and desperate for fame, together and naked their power becomes biblical.  “This could likely be the Whore of Babylon,” said a Vatican religious scholar who spoke only on the condition of anonymity.

“It was thought that the Whore of Babylon would be more of a symbol, a mindset of shameless self indulgence.  When viewed outside the traditional context of the words, like a whore for fame, these two are the perfect masthead.  And the pictures…  We always thought the depictions of the Whore of Babylon as two faced and naked were metaphorical, but their faces…  God help us all.”

Vatican officials are urging people around the world to be calm, but prepared.  The Pope is flying to the U.S. to meet with the publishers of Playgirl Magazine, in the hopes of dissuading them from holding the photo shoot.  Officials from Vatican City have begun preparations to shelter believers during the troubled times to come.

Emergency plans written in the Middle ages and revised since are being dusted off and brought into effect.  Leonardo’s secret water system, which brings water from a well deep below the Vatican with the power of only 1 mule, is being cleaned off and made ready.  Catholics around the world are being told to remain calm, but purchase a shotgun.

At present Jon Gosselin and Levi Johnston are still scheduled to appear nude together.  The world stands in wait to see what will happen.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Octomom Nadya Suleman and Jon Gosselin have agreed to be in a reality show where they would date each other.

Details of the show are still up in the air, but representatives for Nadya Suleman have confirmed that she has a massive crush on Gosselin and has agreed to date him on a reality show.  Representatives for Jon Gosselin confirm that he really needs the money and isn’t doing anything else right now.

A name for the show had yet to be decided.  Alternatives being considered are Jon plus Octomom, Big Family Big Love, The Gosselin-Suleman Bunch,  Womb Raiders,  Baby Wranglers or Just the 24 of Us.

The show will focus on the hardships and zany adventures of two parents trying to date when they have 22 children.  Scripts that are being worked on include a day at the park, a trip to Disneyworld, a romantic night in, and trying to figure out if they left a child at the mall.  The episodes will be based on a ranch the families will live at for the series.

Producers agree that a fun game could include both parents on ATVs trying to corrall their children back into the house for dinner.  Jon has even said he would consider not dating girls in their early 20′s during the filming.

The show will be produced by the people who created Cheaters, and will be sponsored by Ed Hardy, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms.

NEW YORK, NY – Jon Gosselin admits to being abused by his wife Kate.  Torture was involved, but he is still unable to gain any sympathy.

On an ABC Special, Chris Cuomo interviewed one of America’s most famous dads, Jon Gosselin.  Since breaking up with his not-quite-human wife, Jon Gosselin has spent most of his time with different girlfriends and sponsoring a “Dude-Bro Education Seminar.’ Last night, Gosselin described the ordeals of his marriage.

Kate Gosselin tortured Jon physically and psychologically.  According to Jon, minor infractions around the home were met with rubber hoses, bamboo shoots, and sleep deprivation.  “If I did something like, forget to put fruit in the kids’ lunches, she’d take me to the basement and strap me in to the dunking chair.  One time I spoke without raising my hand first, out came the rubber hoses.”  He later described, “When I messed up a reshoot once in Season 3, she locked me downstairs and kept me awake for 7 days until I learned my lesson.  Which, I guess that’s understandable.”

Jon admits their marriage was held together mostly by Stockholm Syndrome.  This psychological condition causes people to feel loyalty to their captors or torturers.

While allegations of abuse come as no surprise, what has been surprising is that no one feels bad for Jon.  Since the breakup Jon has taken to dating a 22-year-old, spent more time at bars and on boats than with his children, and repeatedly spoken ill of the mother of his children.  In last night’s interview he said with regards to Kate, “I despise her” and that “my new girlfriend is the polar opposite of Kate.  I love her more than I ever loved Kate.”

Despite being able to afford the playboy lifestyle thanks to his numerous adorable children, he still managed to whine his way through the entire interview.  Chris Cuomo ended the interview by punching Jon Gosselin in the face, to raucous cheers from the crew.

PHILDADELPHIA, PA, – Jon Gosselin wants to go his own way and host an informercial for mid-life crises.

Some critics have been wondering if Jon Gosseliln is trying to get himself fired from TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8, and they were right.  Gosselin has admitted that he hopes to be let go from the series that shot him to national fame so he can “go his own way” by hosting an infomercial for those in a mid life crisis.

Jon Gosselin will host an infomercial advertising a weekend retreat for men called “How to Live Your Life Your Way.”  His target audience will be middle aged men, or men coming out of relationships with controlling women.  His seminar weekend will include paintballilng, jet skis, beer pong, a “stripper club pub crawl,” and nachos.  This weekend long  man-child wonderland will also include informative lectures on a wide range of topics.

Lectures at the seminar will include “Dating Discreetly“, how to not get caught by paparazzi or anyone else who may be looking.  “Staying Men Together” is a rehabilitation course for men who have been in relationships with highly controlling women.  “For the beginners,” says Gosselin “new to reclaiming their guy-hood, we have ‘Dude-bro 101.‘  This is a basics course that covers the club scene, pick-up and dumping lines, hair gel techniques, and feigning sincerity.  Everything a guy needs to get started.”

Another lecture will be an introduction to hair replacement technology.  Las Vegas Hair Replacement expert Martin Idammo says, “Already Mr. Gosselin has been very for good business.  We look forward to many more referrals.”  Ed Hardy has already signed on to sponsor the events.

Mr. Gosselin will continue to attempt to get himself fired from the popular TLC program.  Editors are already furious with Jon, for replying to everything Kate says with either “Moooo!” or “Whatever.  FACE!”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon Gosselin returned to Pennsylvania this week from a vacation abroad.  He introduced his 8 children to his new fiancée whom he affectionately calls “whatshername?”

Jon Gosselin, recently divorced reality star, spent the past couple weeks vacationing with his new fiancée Hailey Glassman.  The two spent their time in Saint-Tropez, France, on the yacht of designer Christian Audigier.  Gosselin told reporters, “The whole time I was in the French Riviera, on a luxury yacht, surrounded by models, every 10 minutes I’d think about how much I miss my kids.  All 8 kids… I need a drink.”

The eight children have been tended to by their battalion of nannies.  For the past 2 months neither of the parents have looked after their children when there weren’t cameras present.

Gosselin was eagerly welcomed home by his many children.  He presented them all with Ed Hardy t-shirts to match his own.  Introducing them to Glassman, he said, “This is daddy’s new friend Hailey.  Hailey this is Audrey, and Jenny, and uh… don’t tell me…  Hey why don’t show how polite you are and introduce yourselves!”

After introductions they all went to the back yard where the children played.  Hailey took the opportunity to entertain the children by dancing on their tether-ball pole.  Watching his new fiancée Jon continued spiking his drink, saying, “Mmm, Daddy Likes.”

Shortly after Glassman left, Jon got on his motorcycle and went to get some cigarettes for three hours.

The children seem to be taking their parents separation perfectly in stride.  When asked how they felt about the transition all 8 children responded in unison, “Whatever.”

SARASOTA, FL – Jon and Kate Gosselin spent their 10th wedding anniversary apart last week.  While Kate played with the children at their Pennsylvania home, Jon was at a bar in Florida, with Manigator.

Jon and Kate Gosselin, made famous by their reality show “Jon and Kate Plus 8”, have had their marital troubles

Directors on the show have grown accustomed to Jon running away and hiding from his wife.  Production regularly stops while PAs find Jon, pull him out of his space, and force him to interact with his wife.

It came as no surprise during filming on Friday when Jon went missing.  After searching the entire house, filming on the episode continued.  Kate seemed mostly annoyed that her anniversary Mani-Pedi and tanning session would have to be pushed back.

Weekly World News investigators found Jon Gosselin belly up to a bar in Sarasota, Florida with half-man half-alligator mutant Manigator.

According to eye witnesses Jon strolled into the bar around 6pm looking dejected.  Jon kept mumbling about being rejected, although whether he was talking about his marriage or someone connected to the nearby circus is unknown.  Around 7pm Manigator stumbled up to the bar and recognized the television personality.

Manigator, who is currently wanted in several states and legally barred from entering Canada, struck up a conversation with the oft put down TV personality.  Jon went on a rant about being constantly rejected and the mutant took notice.  Soon the two were exchanging stories of rejection and drinking arm in arm.  For the next few hours the two alternated between crying in their drinks and offering passing women tickets “To the Gun Show!”  Just before midnight Jon put money in the jukebox and the two sang along to “I Got You, Babe.”

At the end of the night Jon settled their tab and the two stumbled off into the street.  What happened next is unknown, but the two are believed to be involved with dozens of lawn gnomes that were stolen in the area and later found on a beach spelling out “minus 9!”

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”