NEW YORK, NY – The ego of one former reality TV star might not match the size of a certain “little” part of his body!

Jon Gosselin has been mired in rumors of appearing in Playgirl. There might be a need for money, now that his TV show is a distant memory, but Gosselin shouldn’t be expecting a big paycheck.

According to Life & Style magazine, ” “If Playgirl ever asks Jon Gosselin, 32, to pose nude, he may be a little insulted by the offer. ” “In an exclusive interview Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio tells the magazine, “We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000. His star is extinguishing, and he’s not very well endowed. Honestly,” Nardicio adds, “it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot.”

Jon’s exes have not exactly spoken very highly of him or complemented his manhood for that matter. In Steppin’ Out magazine, Hailey Glassman said of Jon, “he’s hung like a nine-year-old boy.” Kate Major also weighed in on his manhood. “I’m surprised he’s so ‘cocky’ because down there he’s not,” she told Life & Style.

If his star is fading, his former ex-wife’s star is burning pretty bright. Kate Gosselin has just recently been named to the cast of the latest season of Dancing with the Stars. To add insult to injury, Kate stands to win roughly $100,000 from the competition.

NEW YORK, NY – Kate Gosselin has a new look, and new hair!  The reality star mom says she was protecting the environment by cultivating her extensions from her own children’s hair.

Icon of child exploitation Kate Gosselin debuted her new look this week.  Getting rid of her trademark short and spiky hair Gosselin now sports long chemically treated locks thanks to the miracle of extensions.  Kate Gosselin herself is happy to do whatever it takes to be at the center of attention.

The process of attaching hundreds of individual extensions took 20 hours.  One of Gosselin’s children wandered off during the process, but she’s not sure which one.  The child has yet to be found, but authorities agree they are in a better place now.  Celebrity hairstylist Ted Gibson, who performed the procedure, is reported to have vomited out his eyes then passed out shortly after finishing.

Responding to the new hairstyle fellow ‘famous for nothing’ television star Kourtney Kardashian said “She looks Great!  She’s a total Milf now!”  The International Sisterhood of Milfs is expected to bestow her with a medal by the end of the month.  Kate’s ex-husband Jon Gosselin could not be reached for comment, as he was attempting to pawn his children’s toys for beer money.

Kate Gosselin is expected to do a media tour to advertise her new hair and a possible comeback.  No plans have been made to watch the children while Kate is away.  When asked for comment about their mommy’s hair the Gosselin children told reporters “Take Us With You!  Please!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Octomom Nadya Suleman and Jon Gosselin have agreed to be in a reality show where they would date each other.

Details of the show are still up in the air, but representatives for Nadya Suleman have confirmed that she has a massive crush on Gosselin and has agreed to date him on a reality show.  Representatives for Jon Gosselin confirm that he really needs the money and isn’t doing anything else right now.

A name for the show had yet to be decided.  Alternatives being considered are Jon plus Octomom, Big Family Big Love, The Gosselin-Suleman Bunch,  Womb Raiders,  Baby Wranglers or Just the 24 of Us.

The show will focus on the hardships and zany adventures of two parents trying to date when they have 22 children.  Scripts that are being worked on include a day at the park, a trip to Disneyworld, a romantic night in, and trying to figure out if they left a child at the mall.  The episodes will be based on a ranch the families will live at for the series.

Producers agree that a fun game could include both parents on ATVs trying to corrall their children back into the house for dinner.  Jon has even said he would consider not dating girls in their early 20’s during the filming.

The show will be produced by the people who created Cheaters, and will be sponsored by Ed Hardy, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin made a major, although highly expected, announcement on their show Monday: Kate Gosselin is an insect.

On Monday night’s show Jon and Kate, speaking separately to the camera, made a major announcement that came as a surprise to no one.  While talking about their upcoming divorce Kate finally took off her human mask revealing the head of a giant praying mantis.

This announcement only confirmed suspicions that many had regarding the couple.    Kate’s incessant derision and domineering attitude towards her husband was finally explained, as was her ability to bear six children at one time.  For years Kate has fascinated viewers with her unending criticisms and psychological domination of her husband Jon.  Entomologists confirm that behavior exhibited by Kate is common in the insect world, where an alpha female will dominate the colony and submissive males are kept alive to mate with the queen.

Filmed separately on their couch Jon and Kate spoke about the practicalities of raising their children, maintaining the show, and Kate being a giant insect.  Jon said to the cameras “It’s a sad thing but it needed to happen.  We’re both trying to focus on the kids needs and providing them with stability.”  A newly unmasked Kate spoke about the practicalities of being without a man-drone. “This decision does not please me, yet it must be done.  For Jon has disappointed me for the final time!  Not that I mean to be petty, but his performance has been unsatisfying of late.  The children shall live in this house with me.  Jon will be allowed to come here and see them when I require personal time.  There is no other alternative!  I have spoken!”

Jon and Kate plus 8 is scheduled to film another season.

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon Gosselin has spent weeks battling allegations that he cheated on his wife Kate.  But Weekly World News has finally uncovered his strange affair – with 8 clowns!

Jon and Kate Gosselin star in the popular TLC reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8”, which chronicles their life as parents of 7 year old twins and 4 year old sextuplets.

Since US magazine broke the story last week there has been a frenzy of allegations and denials in attempting to discover the truth.

Weekly World News reporters, however, have finally uncovered definitive photographic proof of the Jon Gosselin affair.

Last weekend, Jon Gosselin was seen entering a hotel room with 8 female circus performers.  The women are believed to have been part of a touring production of Cirque du Soleil.

Pictures clearly show Jon entering a room trying to avoid being recognized.  The room was registered to a “Pepper Freckles” who checked in only one hour before.

A security guard, who wishes to remain anonymous, says during the next three hours several guests complained about noises from that room, including loud repetitive squeaking and occasional rounds of applause.  During that time he once saw Jon out of the room getting ice; he had multicolored face paint on his collar and appeared to be walking funny, most likely from the oversized shoes he was wearing.  The guard then saw a female clown lean out of her room and beckon Gosselin back with a large and inappropriately shaped balloon.

Hours later Jon was seen outside of the room, weeping to his clown lovers.  He began yelling and it became clear he was desperate for them to take him with them.  The clowns refused flatly, and used seltzer bottles to make him let go of their legs.  Through tears he watched the 8 women pile into one small car and drive away.

Spokespeople for Jon Gosslin have yet to comment on these most recent allegations.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the hit reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, have added one supersized mouth to their family this holiday season: Tonya!

The parents of eight children, 7-year-old twin girls and 4 year-old sextuplets, caved to the increasing pressure of their children to adopt a pet.  Originally expecting to get a medium to large sized dog, the Gosselin’s changed their plans after being introduced to Tonya at a summit for reality TV show stars.

“Jon looked over and saw Tonya being interviewed by at least 6 different reporters at one time,” Kate said in a press release, “he immediately knew that if she could handle that many members of the press, she could totally deal with eight screaming, grabby children.”

When asked about their decision to adopt a giant cat instead of a dog, Jon told reporters, “We hadn’t considered a cat originally.  Size was very important to us.  Having eight kids, we knew we wanted an animal that all of them could pay attention to at the same time.  The problem with a cat or rabbit or small dog is that only one kid could hold it or pet it.  With Tonya, that isn’t going to be a problem.  When she lays on her back, all six of the little kids can lay on Tonya with room to spare.”

Longtime fans of Tonya’s who have followed her recent performances on Top Chef and Biggest Loser, were surprised to hear that she is taking a break from reality competitions to guest star on the much tamer TLC show.

Through her spokesperson, Tonya responded, “If you have ever seen the program, you know that Kate knows how to cook big meals.  And we all know Tonya loves big meals.  She also loves a challenge.  And being manhandled by 16 little sticky hands just might be the most challenging thing Tonya has ever done.”

Rumors that Tonya is actually only interested in eating the young Gosselin children have been widely disputed.  Both Tonya’s representation and TLC have promised defamation of character lawsuits to “anyone who continues to spread such vile accusations.”