WASHINGTON, DC – After criticizing the economic stimulus plan, Republicans have chained themselves to doors of the Capitol Building to block its passing.

Currently no one can enter or exit the Capitol as Republican leaders have chained themselves to every major entryway.

The audacious demonstration was led by John McCain who shouted to reporters, “I’m still relevant!  See!?  I’m still relevant!!!”

Republicans say that the stimulus package as it stands is too focused on supporting the middle class, without enough tax cuts to the already wealthy.  “That’s no way to run a business” said John Boehner of Ohio.  “You can’t help a country by strengthening the middle class, did Reaganomics teach us nothing?”  He stated that GOP members will continue to forcibly block entry to Capital Hill until their demands are met.

Democrats in the Senate and Congress, despite having a clear majority in both houses and several pairs of bolt cutters laying around, are already working on ways to appease the minority Republican voice.

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PHOENIX, AZ – The Alien is in remorse over his first ever incorrect presidential endorsement.

The Alien, well known for correctly endorsing every presidential winner since 1980, is in shock over his first losing endorsement.

The Alien was not available for comment, but issued a statement that sent his condolences to both the American public and Senator John McCain for getting it wrong. His mortification is only intensified by McCain’s proud acceptance of his endorsement just the day before.

Insiders believe the Alien will beam himself this evening to McCain’s home to offer the Senator a shoulder to cry on.

BREAKING NEWS: McCain has proudly accepted the Alien’s endorsement!

ROSWELL, NM – At a political rally in the infamous Roswell area, Senator John McCain acknowledged and accepted the Alien’s endorsement for his presidential run.

The Arizona senator explained, “By the way, I have been here to Roswell before and I know about the alien landing. And I am pleased to announce that I have received the alien endorsement…and I am proud!”

While the Alien has not released an official response, insiders believe he is elated at McCain’s warm acceptance.

But will the Alien’s endorsement be enough to push McCain into victory? Stay tuned!

October 30, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.

With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.

Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.

Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.

At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.

This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.

What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.

PHOENIX, AZ – With his presidential bid seen as lost, John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election.  McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.

Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.

There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate.  When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.

A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair.  McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.

Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.

CHICAGO, IL – Shocking both the hip-hop and the political worlds, Kanye West and John McCain announced that they have developed a joint clothing line.

The gear, called McKainye, will be a blend of conservative styles typically associated with politicians, the free-spirited styles typically associated with hip-hop artists, and the narcissistic feel that’s unique to Kanye West.  “McKainye – Reaching Way Across the Aisle,” is both the tag line for the apparel and the title to the duet the pair recorded to promote their new venture.

Making the merger even more bizarre, West has been vocal against the current Republican administrations.  The rapper/philanthropist made headlines in 2005 during a benefit show for victims of Hurricane Katrina by going off script and saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

“McCain’s good people,” said West.  “He’s no Bush.  This is the right thing for the country right now.”

McCain couldn’t be contacted for a comment, as he’s still very busy with his bid to become the next president of the United States.  There is no support to the charge that McCain has been throwing the election in order to promote the apparel and eventually record a solo album.

McKainye will hit the stores in mid-November of this year.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.

Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems.  Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.”  Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.

However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.

Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.

Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.

Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker!  John McCain, you got my vote!”

How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.

KEY LARGO, FL – Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”

During a rally for the Republican presidential candidate, proceedings were halted by a sudden commotion at the back of the open air venue.  A young Latino man was flailing hysterically at what appeared to be a small alligator biting his pants, while screaming “I told you man, I’m Puerto Rican!”

After being shaken loose, the creature yelled back, “Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs!” He then went on to make lurid passes at several of the campaign’s interns. The small cryptid slurred much of his speech and witnesses say he smelled of cheap whiskey.

Police and wildlife officers arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to apprehend the manigator. However, he avoided capture for thirty minutes while shouting expletives about being denied free speech.  Eventually he was able to slip under a fence and make a run back to the swamp.

Police tracked Manigator through the swamp for hours, following a trail of menthol cigarette packs and frequent yells of “Get ‘er Done!”

The human-reptile hybrid is still at large.

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

JOPLIN, MO – The recent unveiling of Obama’s mutant half brother has guaranteed him the mutant vote.

Since then, Obatma has been on a road tour with Bat Boy rallying support for the Democratic candidate.  The two are making appearances in key swing states, happily handing out stickers and posing for pictures.

As a result, voter registration centers around the country have been flooded with new-voter requests checking the ethnicity box as “Other: Mutant.”

A large group of mutants wearing Obama pins assembled outside of the Today show in Rockefeller center this week.  The crowd was dispersed by security before taping began, however, due to an incident involving several easily startled tourists and a girl who was half-spider.

Obatma and Bat Boy are expected to continue their road trip through to the election, driving across the country in a convertible which allows them to catch mosquitoes in their mouths.

Senator McCain, desperate to reduce Obama’s lead, has retaliated by campaigning heavily to the alien population, playing up his military service with the Intergalactic Alliance.