NEW YORK, NY – Merrill Lynch’s CEO John Thain is leaving the firm, amid furor over his purchase of a yeti skin rug with company funds.

Thain was the last chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch before the recent merge with Bank of America. At a time when he was to be saving the company from bankruptcy, recent documents have revealed that Thain blew $1.22 million of tax dollar bailout money on refurnishing his office.

The most egregious offense appears to be an $87,000 rug bought for the redecoration. Critics immediately pounced on the purchase, questioning where such an expensive rug could have come from.

Weekly World News has discovered that the rug is in fact the head and skin of a Nepalese yeti. Sightings of the creature are extremely rare, but the capturing and killing of one is almost unheard of. Records show that Thain flew out to Bhutan, Nepal to personally buy the rug from a renowned local sherpa, Girija Shah.

Bank of America Chief Executive Kenneth Lewis spoke out on the incident: “We have been entrusted with the American people’s tax dollars in order to bring around this crisis, and we failed them. Mr. Thain’s extravagant purchases are the epitome of what we have been trying to avoid. Bank of America wishes to apologize to the country’s citizens for this oversight, and wishes to reiterate our dedication to responsible spending.

“We also wish to apologize to any conversation groups that took offense. We do not in any way condone the killing and displaying of an endangered, er… animal? creature?” A Bank of America spokesperson whispered into Lewis’ ear, and he continued, “An endangered cryptid. We will be donating money to the World Cryptid Federation in the yeti’s honor.”

UPDATE: John Thain’s push for $10 million bonus is possibly orchestrated by aliens!

As previously reported by Weekly World News, John Thain is widely believed to be an alien at the center of an intergalactic conspiracy to bleed Earth’s financial institutions dry. This accusation has only been further substantiated after Thain’s demands for a $10 million bonus for 2008.

Apparently, Thain believes he deserves the money after diverting Merrill Lynch from an even bigger financial meltdown. Do these extraterrestrials have no shame?

September 15, 2008
NEW YORK, NY – During his career, Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain earned the nickname “I Robot” for the mechanical and emotionless manner in which he carried out his instructions.

Many co-workers suspected that Thain merely resembled a human in appearance only and that behind the button-down shirt, hard-wired circuitry allowed him to perform his duties without giving rise to feelings.

Nearly everyone agreed that John Thain is not a people person.

Shocking evidence released today reveals that John Thain is not even a person.

The photo received by Weekly World News was taken in the early morning hours of September 12th, the same day that the heads of the Federal Reserve and the US Treasury moved to calm fears about the financial health of the country.

While Fed Chief, Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Paulson called for new regulatory powers to shield the economy from the collapse of Wall Street firms, John Thain was deep in discussion with the UFO alien about the future of his firm Merrill Lynch.

Recent events now suggest that Thain is not a robot but in fact an alien at the center of an intergalactic conspiracy to rob Earth of vital minerals and financial institutions.

Stay tuned for additional news.

Aliens have taken all of the money on Earth!

13 months ago, Aliens made a bet against our global financial markets by shorting all of Earth’s banks.

Unconfirmed rumors now speculate that the Aliens used fellow Alien, Merrill Lynch’s John Thain, to broker their transactions.

Check back for further developments!

NEW YORK, NY – As part of the acquisition by Bank of America, Merrill Lynch agreed to slaughter their famous bull corporate logo.  The statue, located in front of the Merrill Lynch offices in New York’s Financial District, was butchered last Wednesday and served to Bank of America’s board of directors.

“It was a little bit of punishment and a little bit of fun,” said B of A’s Chairman and CEO Ken Lewis as blood dripped down his face onto his pinstriped Armani suit.

Former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, currently under investigation for being an alien, could not be reached for comment.