WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

TRIPOLI -  Colonel Gaddafi released a new message to the world today.

Greetings, Earthlings.

For 40 years, or was it longer, I can’t remember, it may have been 60 years, or 15 years, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I did all I could to give people houses, RVs, bingo parlors, and when they were hungry, I gave them fruit baskets and tickets to a movie. I even made Benghazi into farmland from the desert, I stood up to attacks from that cowboy John Wayne, when he killed my sheep, he was trying to kill me and my little pony.

President Bill Clinton was here and I rubbed his head with my elbow and by rubbing his head, I sent a message to Americans, and that message was a message to all the world:  eat more hummus.

I have done all I could to help people understand the concept of democracy, where people who have fake birth certificates can run for office and people can vote many times in one day.  But that was never enough for those capitalists, they wanted more: they wanted McMansions, flat screen TVs and golf club memberships, they were never satisfied, they were selfish and wanted more than more, they wanted most and they wanted all.

They wanted to have sex with celebrities.

They told Americans and other visitors, that they needed “democracy” and “freedom” never realizing it was brutal system that tortured airline passengers and threw midgets off bridges, or forced people to have unprotected sex with bankers, where the biggest dog eats the smallest rabbit, but they were enchanted with those words, never realizing that in America, there is no free brunch, there is no free meth, no free trailer parks, no free motorcycles, no free PlayStation games, and no free bananas, except when people beg with cardboard signs.

No, no matter what I did, it was never enough for some, but for others, they knew I was the greatest man that ever lived, the greatest man to ever have been born on this planet, the greatest man to ever wear dark sunglasses.  They knew I could juggle tennis balls.

Now, I am under attack by the biggest force in military history, my son, Barack Obama wants to take away my country, to take away our free housing, our free medicine, our free education, our free PlayStations, our free underwear, and the free donkeys I gave to the little towns in the south, and replace them all with American stupidity, with “capitalism,” replace it with Legos and Jersey Shore dolls, replace it with Devil Dogs and potato chips, but all of us in Libya know what that means, it means corporations run the countries, run the world, and that people get obese and want to sit on couches and watch American Idol.

So, there is no alternative, I must make my stand,  I shall die by following the path that has allowed me to sleep with as many women as humanly possible.  It has allowed me to wear a bathrobe every day.  Praise Hugh!

I do not wish to die, but if it comes to that, so be it.   But I won’t go down without shooting bullets.  Bullets at those who shoot bullets at me.  I will shoot bullets and bombs, I will shoot bombs that have bullets in them and bullets that have bombs in them.  I will shoot them high, I will shoot them low. I will shoot them in the eyes and in the knees.  I will shoot and shoot and shoot and then I’ll die, and then I’ll come back to life and shoot some more.  And then I’ll eat bananas.

In the West, some have called me “mad”, “crazy”, but they continue to lie.  The truth is they all want to live in Libya, they want to be me, they want to live with me, inside me, they want to shoot bullets with me, they want to drink Libyan beer with me and watch Libyan soap operas and they want to go swimming in ponds with me, they want to marry me and have children with me.  They want me to have their babies. That they know, and I know that they know.  We all know.

I will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever surrender. Never.

Have a nice day.

WASHINGTON – Steve Jobs teams up with Senator John McCain to deal with iPhone-addicted Americans.

In the wake of last week’s nomination of WikiLeaks–the embattled champion of transparency in government and the free flow of information–for a Nobel Peace Prize, a number of enlightening high-level communications between Apple’s Steve Jobs and senior United States Senator John McCain have been released.

In the emails, which were exchanged just after Meghan McCain’s ‘Pajama-Gate’ played out on Twitter in the fall of 2009, Jobs and the Senator discuss the ‘planned obsolescence of our nation’s phone-addicted population.’

The plan–code name ‘iBlow’–is already in process and involves the insertion of a tiny, neurologically-calibrated entabulator chip into all iPhones, iTouches and music-playing iPhone clones, regardless of carrier. This chip will be triggered via satellite link from a remote location by Steve Jobs on Friday, February 14th,, 2011.

The ensuing electric charge will freeze the neural activity of anyone plugged into an audio stream, phone call or podcast via ear buds at the moment of activation.

Wrote McCain to Jobs in one of their many exchanges, ‘I tell you, Steve, I’m just tired of seeing all these kids walking around, plugged into these ridiculous mobile music devices, totally f*cking oblivious…These hipster doofuses couldn’t handle six days of torture, let alone six years!!’ McCain went on to indict Steve Jobs, Microsoft’s Bill Gates, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and Starbucks for creating the maelstrom of technological gadgetry that, he says, has led to the decline and fall of the American intellect.

What is most surprising about the leaked communiqués is that Jobs himself seems to agree with McCain.

‘I hear you, man. I remember writing code on an MSDOS machine when I was still in training pants. Kids out of college nowadays can’t even spell ‘code’ without spellcheck.’

Jobs’ leave of absence from the helm of Apple also appears not to be due not to ill health, as has been generally reported, but was a critical step in the execution Operation iBlow. The emails indicate that Jobs will use the next week to move essential personal data from his iPhone onto his PC.

The clean-up phase of iBlow includes the collection and disposal of the neurally frozen citizens by sanitation workers around the country, who will then use the recycled organic material as fertilizer in the aerial reforestation of the National Parks.

Giles Jarmunk, current Director of the National Park Service, approves of the idea. ‘I really think we will be able to reverse the whole greenhouse effect here. We’ll be tending to our national forests and reducing, reusing and recycling a giant chunk of useless people. It’s genius, really.’

WASHINGTON – The Senate voted to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the military, then applied it to Congress!

Yesterday on Capitol Hill, the Senate voted to repeal the 17-year-old “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy by a slim margin, but with one stipulation: members of Congress must now abide by their own “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy!

Until yesterday, members of Congress were still debating whether or not to repeal the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, which forbids openly gay citizens from joining the military. But after Congress decided to adopt its own DADT policy, the addendum to enforce the ruling in Congress and the Senate made it an easy decision for a few undecideds to sway the tide.

“At first I was very much opposed to the repeal,” stated Senator John McCain, “but then when we decided to enforce “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in Congress, I was all for it. Most of us are gay anyway so it’s not like we would be admitting to anything that we all already didn’t know.”

“Whoops,” he added. “Did I say that out loud?”

Though Congress’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy passed with an overwhelming majority, a handful of openly gay Congress members have raised their voices in protest.

“If we cannot vocalize on our true nature, then we must show it in other ways” proclaimed Senator Tom Coburn.

Coburn, along with several other gay Congressmen, have come together to form the “My Beard, My Life” initiative.

“Our beards are a symbol of our homosexuality,” said Coburn, while running a hand through his gray, stubbly whiskers. “Just because we can’t say we’re gay doesn’t mean we can’t show it!”

Senator McCain announced earlier this week that he too will grow a beard and join Coburn in the “My Beard, My Life” movement.

“Most gay congressmen already have beards,” said McCain, referring to the term used by closeted gays to describe their wives. “But now that beard is where it belongs: on our faces!”

Even some female Congress members have joined in on the movement.
“I really wish that they could have thought about lesbians with the “My Beard, My Life” campaign,” said Tammy Baldwin, an openly gay U.S. Representative for Wisconsin’s 2nd congressional district. “We might not be able to grow beards, but we can by grow out our leg hair and wear more skirts.”

So there you have it. It’s okay to be gay in the military but not in Congress! Now it’s only a matter of time before we see more members of the Senate and House sporting Chia Legs and the Grizzly Adams look!

PHOTOS by BOY MACK

WASHINGTON  -  Meghan McCain announced on ABC’s “This Week” that she is a witch.

COPIAPO, CHILE -  In an agreement between the U.S. and  Chile — for each miner brought up, they will send down one U.S.  politician.

Chile, and the world, is rejoicing in the rescue of the 33 miners trapped underground since August 5th.  This is a great achievement for all involved.  Prayers have been answered:

Since U.S. mining experts aided in the rescue, the President of Chile, Sebastian Pinera said he wanted to do something to give back to Americans.

The mining experts from the U.S. came up with the perfect idea:  for each Chilean miner brought up, we will send down one U.S. Politician.  The Chileans happily agreed to accommodate the miners – so grateful were they for the help.

This has all been cleared with the Obama Administration.  The only drawback is that President Obama wants to name the 33 politicians to be sent down into the Chilean mine.   But the United Mine Workers convinced President Obama to let them make the selections.

The first two U.S. Politicians to be sent down into the mine will be Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.  Senator Reid was not happy:

Other politicians on the list include:

John McCain

John Kerry

Charlie Rangel

Maxine Waters

Lindsey Graham

Ben Nelson

Olympia Snowe

Barney Frank

Patty Murray

Barbara Boxer

Arnold Schwarzenegger – though he may have trouble fitting in the tube

Rahm Emanuel

Eliot Spitzer

Christine O’Donnell

The White House is being flooded with possible names to be considered.

Not everyone is happy with the miner-for-politician swap.  “I’m not going down there.  No way, ” said Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida, who has been short-listed for the swap.  “I think we should send down the Wall Street fatcats who got us into this mess.   We’ve been doing our best in Congress… it’s the Wall Street devils that have ruined this country.”

Alan Grayson was moved to the top of the list.

The politicians will spend at least 88 days in the mine – then they will be brought out one-by-one… as long as they promise never to run for office again.

The final list of politicians is not decided yet, so do you have any suggestions??

PHOENIX, AZ – There is trouble in Arizona as daddy’s little girl does not agree with the new immigration law!

The new Arizona Immigration Law, backed by Republican Senator John McCain, has been met with a lot of criticism. The law allows officers to request immigration documents from individuals whom they deem “suspicious.” Some of the criticism against it is that it will open the door for racial profiling. Meghan McCain, daughter of the senator, has come out and taken a different stance than her father.

Meghan joined the masses that disagree with the law and has called it “seriously flawed.” She also went so far as to say that the new legislation gives officers “a license to pull someone over for being Hispanic.”

“I believe it gives the state police a license to discriminate, and also, in many ways, violate the civil rights of Arizona residents,” Meghan wrote in her column, “Hate the Law, Not Arizonans,” published at The Daily Beast. “Simply put, I think it is a bad law that is missing the bigger picture of what is really going on with illegal immigration.”

Her father, however, shares a different opinion. He has gone ahead and said that the new law is a “good tool” for law enforcement. Despite the criticisms toward the law and whether it can stand up to legal scrutiny, the senator said that lawmakers “acted out of frustration because the federal government didn’t do its job.”

NEW YORK, NY – Joe the Plumber has a pretty big bone to pick with John McCain and Sarah Palin!

Joe the Plumber, also known as Samuel Wurzelbacher, rose to fame in the 2008 U.S. presidential election as the McCain-Palin campaign used him as a metaphor for middle-class Americans. He was a strong critic of Barack Obama’s small business tax policy.

Well it seems as though Wurzelbacher has changed his allegiances and no longer values McCain. At a benefit for a Pennsylvania Republican state representative Sam Rohrer, he voiced his displeasure. “I don’t owe him s—. He really screwed my life up, is how I look at it.”

He went as far as saying that McCain was “no public servant” and calling him a career politician. He feels as though he was a ploy of the McCain campaign because he happened to be the face of middle Americans. He also stated that he no longer backs Sarah Palin because she is supporting the Arizona Republican’s re-election bid.

Joe the Plumber did have some nice things to say – about President Obama. “I think his ideology is urn-American, but he’s one of the more honest politicians. At least he told us what he wanted to do,” said Wurzelbacher.

The man known by many as Joe the Plumber has certainly gotten the most out of his 15 minutes of fame. He has become a motivational speaker and has used the stage set in front of him to speak about the issues that are important to him. He’s been asked to support more than 200 politicians but to date has only shown support for five. For someone that was never in the spotlight, Joe the Plumber has certainly become a hot commodity.

Seeking to further disrupt Town Hall health care meetings Republicans have sent in their secret weapon, Manigator!

Dissent over the Presidents proposed health care reforms has been spearheaded by vitriolic town hall meetings.  Debate on the nature of health care reform has been effectively drowned out by raucous and vitriolic shouting matches between conservative citizens and often effite Democrat speakers.  So successful has this been that Republicans have called in the infamous rabble rouser, Manigator.

Wanted in several states and banned from entering Canada Manigator has been seen at several of the town halls.  Loud, beligerrent, and usually drunk, the presence of the half man half alligator mutant makes it impossible for Democrat speakers to talk about health care.  Any intelligent discussion of the facts is quickly drowned out by his drunken shenanigans.

An inside source tells us that two weeks ago Republican officials went down to the Everglades to find Manigator in his trailor.  Knowing he had been an avid McCain supporter they offered to fly him to various town halls across the country.  In exchange he wanted a carton of smokes for each trip, a case of cheap beer, and an autographed picture of Megan McCain.

Since then he has been seen at town halls across the country.  In Kentucky he was videotaped saying “You ain’t gonna make me socialist!  This is America, an’ we all live ‘n breathe for American way! An’ that’s trucks ‘n stuff not, whatever.  NOBAMA!”  In Pennsylvania when the speaker asked him to please be quiet or leave, he climbed on top of the podium and, with a beer in each hand, led the crowd in chanting “Just Say No!”  At a Michigan event last week he went off on Death Panels saying “Man, jury duty’s bad enough.  But this, no way.  Uncle Sam ain’t tellin’ me what to do!”  The many rednecks in the audience began clapping wildly at his words.  Frustrated, the Democrat Senator who was there to speak threw down his notes and left the room.  The rednecks wheeled their elderly relatives whom they brought as props to the front of the room and began an impromptu wheelchair square dance.  Manigator was soon passed out in the corner with a bottle of Jack in his hands.

With these successes under their belts, Manigator’s handlers wanted to set him loose at the Obama town hall held yesterday.  Unfortunately Secret Service agents recognized the mutant at once and would not let him in to the assembly.  He spent much of the day rallying conservative supporters outside the New Hampshire school, and hitting on any woman who looked his way.   By 5pm he was running away from local police for 8 counts of public urination and stealing a policeman’s hat.

Whether Republicans will continue to use Manigator in this way is unclear.  Democrat organizers are now suggesting that anyone wishing to attend their town halls make sure their shots are up to date.

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain wants the US to take a more aggressive stance with North Korea, preferably using a ship that bears his name.

McCain urged the Obama administration on Meet the Press this Sunday to forcibly board a ship sailing from North Korea to Myanmar believed to carry UN contraband missile parts.  He said that the USS John McCain is nearby and ready for the job.

“If the ship needs to be forcibly boarded,” he went on to say, “naval officers can wear masks of my face.  This would have the dual effect of protecting the sailors’ identities and striking fear into the hearts of their enemies.”

He continued saying that the elevated tension between North Korea and the rest of the world was highly unfortunate.  John McCain offered to settle the dispute once and for all by challenging Kim Jong Il to a one-on-one Kumate style duel to the death.  To keep the fight fair and the results clear, he said it would be preferable if the duel was broadcast live on pay-per-view.

No official response has come from Pyonyang regarding McCain’s challenge to a duel.  However inside sources confirm that McCain did receive a signed copy of Kim Jong Il’s album “Lonely Mount Piktu Rambler.”

The Obama administration has insisted that it will remain vigilant of the North Korean ship, but hostile boarding will not be necessary.  John McCain maintains that he, ships bearing his name, and soldiers bearing his likeness, should be used to protect the country.