I was as happy as Joe Biden at a Hair Club for Men conference to see Sarah Palin crush Joe Biden in the VP debate last week.  Sarah had me at “Hey, can I call you Joe?”  It didn’t help that Joe-Tox had a look of surprise frozen on his face from the Botox and his recent eyelift. Joe talks about being a regular guy from Scranton, PA, but when I look around the room at my Elks Club meeting I don’t see many fellas with hair plugs, botox and a facelift.

I haven’t had a real crush since that candy-striper in the Korean War, but I found myself getting hotter and hotter for Sarah as the night went on.  How can you not love a girl who says with a wink, “Your plan is a white flag of surrender.”  That comment knocked Joe Biden to the ground like Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI.  Biden came in to the debate thinking that Sarah was an idiot and that dumb-ass was the one who limped out of the ring with the scars from his recent facelift busted wide open.

The next knock out punch came when Biden, who is supposed to be some kind of dang foreign-policy expert, had just given a long-winded explanation for how he voted in favor of invading Iraq but didn’t really mean for Bush to actually invade Iraq.  That Botox must have helped him keep a straight face when he told the American public that he of course realized way back then that it would be a very long and difficult war but he now opposes the war because it’s been too long and too difficult.

“Oh, man, it’s so obvious that I’m a Washington outsider and someone just not used to the way you guys operate,” Sarah Palin said with a look on her face like Biden had just offered her a dog turd sandwich.  It took me a while to get used to it, but now I am starting to love that Fargo-meets-Arctic accent.

Friends, let’s make sure we get out to vote so we can hear that accent often over the next eight years.  If Obama and Joe-Tox go to the White House, we are going to have every one of Obama’s America-hating ACORN and Weather Underground friends come out of their rat-holes and turn the good ol’ US of A into France before you can say “surrender”.

PRUDHOE BAY, AK -  Something is emerging from Hell!

That is the horrifying warning of more than 60 eyewitnesses who have seen the monstrous shape roaring out of a mile-deep Alaskan oil well amid stinking clouds of sulfur.

“If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it,” said John Merritt, a foreman with BP, which operates the oil field.

“The giant demon head of Satan has already escaped and his body has been slowly coming out for weeks.

“White-hot flames are billowing out of the well, the skies have been darkened by strange clouds and the area is full of an evil stench so oppressive and overpowering that most people can only stand to remain there for a few minutes.”

The oil field, about 400 miles north of Fairbanks, has been ordered shut down by the government and the area has been cordoned off. Only military and clergymen who have been called in by the oil company to aid in the crisis are admitted to the area, and Alaskan officials have slapped a tight lid of secrecy over the story.

Many are looking to politicians for a response; Alaska’s reserves have been a source of this year’s presidential debates over energy independence.

Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin immediately downplayed the incident, stating, “This is nothing to worry about! It’s just the Devil playing tricks on us! He wants to see our country run out of oil, just like the terrorists. We gotta stand up for ourselves and keep on drilling!”

Delaware Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden was far more concerned. “I have consistently voted against exploration in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve, and this is the perfect example why. We don’t yet know the long-term environmental effects, let alone Biblical ones.”

As for the hole? “No one is allowed within 50 feet of the oil well,” said foreman Merritt. “We’re just waiting to see what happens next.”

NEW YORK – Viewers of Fox News morning talk show, Morning Joe, report seeing political pundit Karl Rove’s brain escaping his head mid-sentence.  Karl Rove’s brain reportedly flew through the studios until it found an open door.

Upon exiting the building, the brain flew south on 6th Avenue knocking over three people wearing Obama For President t-shirts before ascending into the sky and entering a waiting alien ship.

“This is not change we can believe in.  Its more of the same!” Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden is quoted as saying after hearing of the incident.

Back in the studio, Morning Joe kept rolling.

“He just kept on talking.  It was like nothing changed once his brain left,” says Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough, confirming long-standing allegations that the words that come out of Karl Rove’s mouth are not the result of a properly functioning brain.

When asked about this morning’s events, MSNBC anchor, Keith Olbermann replied, “I was actually more surprised by the angel wings.  I really thought it would have been bats wings, or serpent wings.  Who would have thought angel wings on Karl Rove’s brain?”

Sightings of the alien ship were reported throughout the morning above major cities on the East Coast.  Stay tuned for more information regarding the whereabouts of the alien aircraft transporting Karl Rove’s brain.

Presidential nominee John McCain wants fellow nominee Barack Obama to put his campaign ads away and instead settle the election like gentlemen—by having a duel!

The bold challenge, publicly issued by McCain’s feisty Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, would spare the American people from the typical smear campaigns and save millions of dollars in citizens’ donations, according to McCain.

“In this way we are protecting all the American people: Democrats, Republicans and Independents,” Palin told Associated Press Television Network in an interview.

As conceived by McCain, the duel would be held in a neutral “purple” state such as Pennsylvania, with NBC News’ Tom Brokaw as the referee. Each leader would be allowed to bring along just two “seconds” to aide him in the man-to-man confrontation.

The combatants would use one previously agreed-upon weapon, “with president against president, vice president against vice president and first lady against first lady in a duel,” Palin proposed.

So, while Obama battled McCain, Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden would take on Palin, and Michelle Obama would rumble with Cindy McCain.

The Republicans haven’t proposed a specific weapon — pistols, swords, knives, battle axes, etc. That choice would be up to the Obama campaign.

Publicly, Obama’s team scoffed at McCain’s proposal. Campaign spokesperson Robert Gibbs said it did not warrant “a serious response.”

Behind the scenes, however, some Obama aides are toying with the idea.

“We have no doubt that Barack could take McCain — he jogs every day and is in tip-top condition,” said a campaign source.

“We are considering proposing a sword fight in which Barack’s long arms would have a significant advantage.”