VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI has exonerated the Jews for killing Jesus. They had nothing to do with the death of Jesus Christ. Aliens did it!

NEW YORK – Android platform phones, or Droids, are helping kids cheat in school.

NEW YORK CITY – Bat Boy is celebrating Hanukkah with the Maccabeats!

LAS VEGAS – Rick Sanchez, just fired from CNN, has challenged Jon Stewart to a boxing match. Stewart has accepted.

PALM SPRINGS, FL – Continuing a terrible holiday season, Bernard Madoff was banned from Hanukkah celebrations with his family, causing him to spend the first day with an unlikely Jew – The Alien!

PALM BEACH, FL – In a move surprising many of his fans and clients, PhD Ape is traveling to Florida in light of the Madoff investment scam – to meet with the victims!