JERSEY SHORE, PA – Purple Squirrels are running wild – attacking property and people!

The fuchsia beasts are rampaging through the streets of Jersey Shore.  Swarms of the purple squirrels have destroyed dozens of houses and there are over 57 people that have been taken to the hospital with multiple squirrel bites.

One couple put out a squirrel trap that they’d left out to prevent the rodents from stealing food from bird feeder – and were shocked to see that they caught a purple critter.

“We couldn’t believe our eyes,” said Gladys Marberry.  ”We thought it was a doll, but then it growled at us.  It was so scary.  I hid under the bed.”

A local squirrel expert, Tad Billings said:

“If it has white hair on it at all, it’s probably not dyed. I’ve had multiple squirrels as pets, though, and I’ve certainly never seen a purple one. I’ve seen dark red, light red, gray and brown, but never purple. Also, I’ve tried to dye my dog before, and trust me it didn’t look like this. Though, I’ve only seen a picture, so your guess is as good as mine.”

Billings doesn’t know why the squirrels are destroying property and biting humans.  ”They must have been provoked in some way, that’s all I can come up with.”

Authorities in Maine and New Hampshire are also reporting vicious attacks by purple squirrels.  If you see a purple squirrel, do not approach – just call 911!

CAMBRIDGE, MA -  Vinny Guadagnino has been hired as guest lecturer at Harvard, Yale and Columbia.

Vinny from “Jersey Shore” will be giving regular sociology lectures at Harvard, Yale and Columbia.  His main focus (and expertise) is “deviance” – a subject that Vinny is an expert on.

“Professor Guadagnino really enlightened me on deviant behavior and how I should go about it,” said Ashley Markowitz at sophomore at Columbia.  “After class, he tied me up and explained it all in more detail for me.”

In class, Vinny spends a lot of time talking about being bullied growing up.  He was bullied as a child and then became an expert on how to bully.   “I learned that the best thing you can do is to become a bully, so that you don’t have to be a victim all the time,”  Guadagnino told students at Yale.  “You really have to know how to insult people in a way that really hurts them on an emotional level.”

Some overachievers at Harvard were not happy to be paying big bucks to have Vinny from Jersey Shore as a professor.  “My Dad is not paying $50,000 a year so I can learn crap from Vinny,” said Maria Shadioni a junior psychology major.

Shadioni confronted Vinny during class, “What gives you, as a cast member of ‘Jersey Shore,’ the right to  lecture us on anything?”

Vinny — who wasn’t big on speech and debate in high school — fired right back.  “Because I’m on television and I’m a somebody.  You’re not on television and you’re a nobody.”

Vinny went on to say that he would have sex with Maria to help her understand how important he is.

Representatives from Yale, Harvard and Columbia told WWN that they are proud to have “Vinny from Jersey Shore” on their adjunct faculty and hope he stays for a long time.   “Our kids demand the best and Vinny is the best guido in the world,” said Dr. Randall Myers, Dean of Sociology at Yale.

Good luck, Professor Vinny…

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SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ -  Snooki was on the boardwalk when Irene hit.   She was blown away!

The cast of  MTV’s  “Jersey Shore” wanted to take advantage of Hurricane Irene to get some “radical shots.”  So, they went to the boardwalk on Saturday night to shoot the crew running into the ocean for a minute.

Unfortunately, Irene proved to be too much for the vertically-challenged Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, who was caught in a 60 mph gust of wind and was carried off.  The Situation and Pauly D tried to get to her, but it was too late.

Some are speculating that she was just blown a mile to the east, but others think that she may have blown all the way to Philadelphia.

“I knew she had lost some weight recently, but I didn’t think that she would get carried away by the wind,” said Jersey Shore producer Joe Flazani.  “She must have gone about a hundred feet into the air and then – bam – she was up over the trees and heading toward Bayonne – or Buffalo – I’m not sure.

Jersey Shore producers asked Governor Chris Christie for help in finding Snooki, but the Governor was not anxious to help.  “I told everybody to get the hell off the beach and I meant it.  If  those knuckleheads wanted to shoot on the beach during a hurricane, it’s their own damn fault.  I just hope she doesn’t land in the Governor’s mansion.”

Fortunately, Michelle Obama is a big fan of Jersey Shore and she asked her husband to step in and help find Snooki.   President Obama order the Air Force to send several jets, helicopters and Jersey drones to find the Jersey starlet.

“Snooki’s a national treasure.  We’ll find her.  I found Bin Lade, I can find Snooki.”

If you see Snooki overhead, don’t approach her… just call 911.

NEW YORK – Jionni LaValle popped the question at Distict 36 in NYC and the Jersey Shore star said “Pickles!”

Snooki, the pint-sized star of Jersey Shore got engaged to her equally pint-sized boyfriend, Jionni LaValle (he’s 5 ft. 3 in.)

Jionni’s looking forward to marrying Nicole “Snooki”  Polizzi.  “She’s a good girl,” he told WWN at the YRB magazine cover party for the “Jersey Shore.”

Jionni popped the question on their ten-month anniversary.  Snooki said Jionni was the perfect guid0 – “tanned with a big dick.”

If the two decide to have babies, LaValle said he wouldn’t allow them on a reality TV show but added, “She probably would.”

LaValle did things right.  He asked Polizzi’s dad for Snooki’s hand in marriage.  “My dad and boo bonded,” Polizzi.  “They really like each other.”

“Jionni is great. He is so quiet and isn’t trying to be in the spotlight,” says a friend, although because he’s different, “She wasn’t sure about him at first.”She kept asking her friends what they thought of him.

She was hesitant because he isn’t the typical gorilla.  “But he’s a really good guy.  And I want a good guy.  I deserve a good guy.  And one that will be good to my vagina.”

MTV is already planning a new reality series:  “Little Guidos.”

ATLANTIC CITY – Invisible sharks are terrorizing beachgoers on the Jersey shore.

50 different shark species, or more than 10 percent of all known sharks, are luminous – invisible. This means they can produce and emit light from their bodies.

For some reason, many of these sharks have been prowling the shores of New Jersey.  And they’ve attacked over 276  beachgoers.  Many have lost arms, legs and, a few have lost their heads.

These vicious invisible sharks are completely invisible to the human eye.

Can you see the Great White Shark in this picture?:

And look at this poor  Jersey girl.  Can you see the big shark chewing on her torso?

The invisible sharks are nicknamed “the phantom hunter of the fjords”: the velvet belly lantern shark.

Jersey beachgoers have a different name for them:  “dinner.”  As Vinny Companelli said, “I want all those invisible things dead.  Dead!”

Even Snooki was almost attacked.  A small invisible shark leaped out of the ocean and almost bit her.  Luckily, there were some goombah’s there to save her.

Like most sharks, the mouth of the invisible sharks are on its underside, so the camouflage system allows the sharks to grab prey, such as krill and pearlfish, with invisible ease.

Similar to how lipstick makes a woman’s lips stand out more, the shark’s light may also turn on members of the opposite sex.

Great.  Just want New Jersey needs – horny  sharks.  Don’t they have enough?

The Jersey Shore Season 4 premiere earned monster ratings  – a 19.6 rating among adults ages 18-49 and a projected 118 million viewers overall – shattering all TV records.

Last night’s season premiere of the MTV reality series, Jersey Shore, was the most-watched television show in history!

The premiere episode, set in Italy, was also Jersey Shore‘s third most-watched telecast to date, behind two Season 3 episodes. In the persons 12-34 demographic, the Jersey Shore premiere scored a 8.2 rating, or 6.5 million viewers.

The fourth season of Jersey Shore has the tanned-up gym freaks  leaving behind the humble decadence of Seaside Heights, N.J., to return to the ancestral home of the modern age of wonders: Florence, the Italian metropolis that was once home to Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, and many of the other great thinkers and artists of the Renaissance. It’s a perfect mixture of the sacred and the profane, the rough equivalent of asking the Pope to consecrate a row of tequila shots. The famously problem-plagued shoot included delays, Visa problems, fights, neck braces, and presumably a few Bunga Bunga parties.

As the description on Comcast digital guide put it, “violence,” “intensely sexual situations” and “intensely suggestive dialogue” were prevalent.

Here’s J-Woww in FLorence:

Here’s a few highlights of the show:

Snooki shows off a pair of I Heart Vinny underwear as she packs.

“No granatos.” – Vinny, boning up on his Italian and simultaneously conveying what he will not be boning in Italia. Allegedly

“I’ll bring guys home, but I won’t do sex.” – Deena. Lie.

Snooki again with this gem: “Italy’s like that big country. No, Europe is that big country. They have Britain, England, and Italy.”

“Lock up your daughters. Handcuff your wives.” – Mike.

Ronnie and Sammi have an awkward first encounter.

The ladies (term used very loosely) have a nice discussion about breasts.

Here’s the most watched shows in the history of television:

1.  Jersey Shore – Season Premiere – 118 million viewers (2011)

2. Super Bowl XLV — 111 million viewers (2011)

3. Super Bowl XLIV — 106.5 million viewers (2010)

4. M*A*S*H* series finale — 106 million viewers (1983)

5. Super Bowl XLII — 97.5 million (2008)

6. Super Bowl XLIII — 95.4 million (2009)

7. Super Bowl XXX — 94.1 million (1996)

8. Super Bowl XLI — 93.2 million (2007)

9. Super Bowl XLII — 93.2 million (2008)

10. Cheers 100-minute finale special — 93.1 million (1993)

People who spend more than six hours in front of the television every day are at greater risk of dying, a new study reveals.

Even two hours of television a day has a marked effect on health, according to a Harvard study.  It can cause premature death or, at least, lead to diabetes and heart disease.

But using the internet does NOT cause death, diabetes or disease.

Every day, U.S. residents spend an average of 5 hours watching television, while Australians and some Europeans log 3.5 to 4 hours a day, said researchers led by Frank Hu, at the Harvard School of Public Health.

The study found that people who watch Jersey Shore, American Idol or reruns of Cheers were the most likely to die from watching television.  If you watch The View – you have a greater chance of having a bowel disorder.

Dr Iain Frame, said the findings should be a wake-up call about the risk of leading a sedentary television  lifestyle. He said evidence suggests physical activity can reduce the risk of type-2 diabetes and heart disease by over 60%.

Maureen Talbot, of the British Heart Foundation, said: “I’m sure we’ve all unintentionally lost evenings slumped on the sofa in front of the TV snacking on crisps and biscuits and drinking sugary drinks or alcohol. But it’s important that this doesn’t become a regular activity, according to BBC News.

The study was confirmed by a similar study at the Diabetes Institute in Australia.

The human body evolved to move, not sit still for extended periods of time, says David Dunstan, PhD, lead author of the study and head of the Physical Activity Laboratory. So sitting in front of a TV or a computer screen for too long poses serious risks to health, and to life, the researchers say.

“What has happened is that a lot of the normal activities of daily living that involved standing up and moving the muscles in the body have been converted to sitting,” Dunstan says in a news release. “Technological, social, and economic changes mean that people don’t move their muscles as much as they used to — consequently the levels of energy expenditure as people go about their lives continue to shrink. For many people, on a daily basis, they simply shift from one chair to another, from the chair in the car to the chair in the office to the chair in front of the television.”

Dunstan and his team of researchers looked at 3,846 men and 4,954 women ages 25 and older to find out what happens to people who sit too much.  They were asked about their TV viewing habits and were grouped into one of three categories: people who watched less than two hours of TV daily, those who watched between two and four hours of television daily, and those who spent more than four hours in front of the tube.

The researchers excluded people with a history of cardiovascular disease, and the entire group was then followed for more than six years. During the study period, 284 of the people died, 125 from cancer and 87 because of cardiovascular disease.

Dunstan and his colleagues write that the link between cancer and TV viewing was only modest, but that there was a direct association between television time and elevated cardiovascular death, as well as death from all causes. This was true, they say, even after accounting for typical cardiovascular disease risk factors and other lifestyle practices.

NEW YORK, NY – 50 Cent announced today that he is going on tour with Keenan Cahill.

For those of you who have being living under a rock for the past few months, Keenan Cahill is one of the few, the proud, the Youtube superstars. 16 year old Keenan’s rise to fame came as a result of his desire to video himself lip-synching various pop songs and posting them on Youtube under the handle, BeenerKeeKee19952.

Keenan has now built up an enormous roster of songs, lip-synching hits such as Michael Jackson’s Thriller, Lady Gaga’s Telephone, Jersey Shore’s very own DJ Pauly D’s Beat Dat Beat, and just recently Landry Fields and Andy Rautins of the New York Knicks teamed up with Keenan to perform a “GO NY GO” remix. Like most Youtube postings, it started off as a hobby.

Then Keenan’s world turned upside down when Katy Perry became aware of his rendition of her smash hit Teenage Dream, tweeting “I heart you @KeenanCahill” and further tweeting “THIS… is my Teenage Dream.” Perry linked Keenan’s video to the tweet and well, the rest is history.

Since Katy took notice, Keenan has appeared on Chelsea Lately and at the end of last year Keenan made a game changing video, lip-synching 50 Cent’s Down On Me with a special guest appearance form none other than the superstar himself, 50 Cent. The video to date has garnered over 24 million views in its short life online.

Word on the street is that 50 was so impressed with Keenan’s moves and charm that he has requested that the young internet sensation accompany him on an upcoming tour, that is, as long as Keenan’s mom gives her approval.

The tour will be in support of 50’s long awaited 5th studio album, Black Magic, which is slated to be released this summer. It should come as little surprise that 50 would consider including Keenan on the tour.

Recently, when asked about the new album, 50 stated, “I’m not sure if I’ll make a full mixtape [beforehand]. That’s what I was doing when I was making collaborations with new artists: I was working with artists that wouldn’t exactly be my equal because they don’t have a successful track record. But at some point you have to make the decision to just be an artist and work because you enjoy the music and you think it’s a good idea, as opposed to it being someone of your caliber.”

Who knows, maybe Keenan will even be a featured artist in one of his new songs. One thing’s for sure, he is bound to be in a video.

VATICAN CITY -  Pope Benedict XVI announced that the cast of Jersey Shore will be his guests at the Vatican for a week.

Italians may be bracing for the arrival of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and the rest of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” cast but Pope Benedict XVI is looking forward to their arrival and has invited them to stay with him for a week.

MTV’s decision to scout locations in Italy for the reality show’s fourth season has rankled Italian-American groups who consider the show a cultural smear.

But Pope Benedict XVI stepped in and said that the Jersey Shore cast is welcome to stay with him at the Vatican and has made available a number of suites for the cast.  The Pope said that all of the cast is Catholic and he welcomes the chance to bless them on a daily basis.

The prospect of hosting the “Jersey Shore” cast—a group known for public displays of drunkenness, brawls and other forms of lewd behavior—has shocked the entire country and Catholics around the world.

“We can’t understand why The Pope would do this,” said Bishop O’Malley of Cork, Ireland.  “They hold none of the values central to Catholic teaching.”

Many inside the Vatican are worried that perhaps Pope Benedict XVI may be suffering from pre-dementia.

But the Pope dismisses all those rumors.  He met with Snooki yesterday and said that the world will see what a positive influence the Catholic church can have on wayward children.

Snooki agreed, “I’m stoked.  You should see the rooms that the Pope set us up in.   Our parties are going to be off-the-hook.  Hallelujah!”

The cast could come in for culture shock. Having grown up with wine at the dinner table, most Italians tend to drink in moderation. They also take pride in social decorum, a concept known as cutting a “bella figura,” or the “beautiful figure.”

And the Vatican will require them to go to mass twice a day.

“Good luck with that,” said The Situation.  “I pray  on my own time, in my own way.  And usually with a girl.”

Zvia Shwirtz, 25, an American student living in Rome, says she can’t wait for the show to come to the Vatican. “It’s going to be hilarious… They are not going to have an easy time here.”

The Vatican will be sending up smoke signals – blue smoke – when the Jersey Shore cast arrives.