ROME – Italy is on the brink of financial ruin, so China has made an offer to buy Italy.

An embattled prime minister struggling to hold the government together. Rocketing public debt. An economy on the brink of collapse.   What are the Italians to do?

Become Chinese.

Italy is in dire political and fiscal shape.   The government of Silvio Berlusconi is collapsing as he continues clinging to power.  Italy is third largest member of the Eurozone.  It is weighed down with a runway public debt of $2.6 trillion, a figure more than 120 percent of GDP, Italy has indulged in a massive borrowing spree.

But China has come to Italy’s rescue!

They have made an offer to buy Italy (for 50 cents on the dollar).  Italy will become a colony of China and will be renamed Chitaly.  Pasta will be renamed “noodles.”

The Chinese plan on building a “great wall” between Rome and Vatican City – so the “Catholics don’t get out.”

The Chinese also plan on selling Sicily to Libya – some say they want to just give it away.

Chinese leaders said they will not tolerate the mafia in their colony and will be sending the Chinese Triad in to “clean things up.”

Other than that – and the fact that “monkey brains” will now be served in all Italian restaurants – everything else will remain the same in old “Italy.”

Book your first tour of Chitaly now!

PERUGIA, Italy — A jury overturned the murder conviction of Amanda Knox… and now she’s heading to Knoxville with a recording contract.

Amanda Knox was acquitted of the murder conviction in the 2007 slaying of her roommate Meredith Kercher, and she was ordered immediately released from prison.

Knox collapsed in tears after the verdict was read .

Her former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito was also found not guilty.

Knox and Sollecito’s slander convictions were upheld, but since those were three-year sentences they were considered time served.

Earlier Monday, a tearful Knox told the jury that she did not kill her British roommate, pleading for the court to free her so she can return to the United States after four years behind bars.

Knox frequently paused for breath and fought back tears as she spoke in Italian to the eight members of the jury in a packed courtroom, but managed to maintain her composure during the 10-minute address.

“I’m not a promiscuous vamp. I’m not violent … I have not killed, I have not raped, I was not there, I was not present,” the 24-year-old American told a packed courtroom in Perugia.

“I want to go home, I want to go back to my life, I do not want to be punished and to have my life taken away from me for something I have not done, because I am innocent.”

The eight-member jury weighed whether the 2009 convictions and prison sentences — 26 years for Knox, 25 years for Sollecito — should stand, be dismissed or altered.

Knox had been playing the guitar and singing in the holding cell while waiting for the verdict.  Several music industry executives had heard tapes of her singing and immediately offered her a record contract.

Knox is flying to Knoxville this evening to begin recording her first record, which will be a combination of Italian love songs and country standards.

“She’s going to be a big music star,” said Gregg Tobin, a Nashville record producer.

Knox has already agreed to star in her own reality series, Hard Knox and is working on a book deal.

Things happen fast in the free world.

The Jersey Shore Season 4 premiere earned monster ratings  – a 19.6 rating among adults ages 18-49 and a projected 118 million viewers overall – shattering all TV records.

Last night’s season premiere of the MTV reality series, Jersey Shore, was the most-watched television show in history!

The premiere episode, set in Italy, was also Jersey Shore‘s third most-watched telecast to date, behind two Season 3 episodes. In the persons 12-34 demographic, the Jersey Shore premiere scored a 8.2 rating, or 6.5 million viewers.

The fourth season of Jersey Shore has the tanned-up gym freaks  leaving behind the humble decadence of Seaside Heights, N.J., to return to the ancestral home of the modern age of wonders: Florence, the Italian metropolis that was once home to Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, and many of the other great thinkers and artists of the Renaissance. It’s a perfect mixture of the sacred and the profane, the rough equivalent of asking the Pope to consecrate a row of tequila shots. The famously problem-plagued shoot included delays, Visa problems, fights, neck braces, and presumably a few Bunga Bunga parties.

As the description on Comcast digital guide put it, “violence,” “intensely sexual situations” and “intensely suggestive dialogue” were prevalent.

Here’s J-Woww in FLorence:

Here’s a few highlights of the show:

Snooki shows off a pair of I Heart Vinny underwear as she packs.

“No granatos.” – Vinny, boning up on his Italian and simultaneously conveying what he will not be boning in Italia. Allegedly

“I’ll bring guys home, but I won’t do sex.” – Deena. Lie.

Snooki again with this gem: “Italy’s like that big country. No, Europe is that big country. They have Britain, England, and Italy.”

“Lock up your daughters. Handcuff your wives.” – Mike.

Ronnie and Sammi have an awkward first encounter.

The ladies (term used very loosely) have a nice discussion about breasts.

Here’s the most watched shows in the history of television:

1.  Jersey Shore – Season Premiere – 118 million viewers (2011)

2. Super Bowl XLV — 111 million viewers (2011)

3. Super Bowl XLIV — 106.5 million viewers (2010)

4. M*A*S*H* series finale — 106 million viewers (1983)

5. Super Bowl XLII — 97.5 million (2008)

6. Super Bowl XLIII — 95.4 million (2009)

7. Super Bowl XXX — 94.1 million (1996)

8. Super Bowl XLI — 93.2 million (2007)

9. Super Bowl XLII — 93.2 million (2008)

10. Cheers 100-minute finale special — 93.1 million (1993)

VATICAN CITY -  Pope Benedict XVI announced that the cast of Jersey Shore will be his guests at the Vatican for a week.

Italians may be bracing for the arrival of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and the rest of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” cast but Pope Benedict XVI is looking forward to their arrival and has invited them to stay with him for a week.

MTV’s decision to scout locations in Italy for the reality show’s fourth season has rankled Italian-American groups who consider the show a cultural smear.

But Pope Benedict XVI stepped in and said that the Jersey Shore cast is welcome to stay with him at the Vatican and has made available a number of suites for the cast.  The Pope said that all of the cast is Catholic and he welcomes the chance to bless them on a daily basis.

The prospect of hosting the “Jersey Shore” cast—a group known for public displays of drunkenness, brawls and other forms of lewd behavior—has shocked the entire country and Catholics around the world.

“We can’t understand why The Pope would do this,” said Bishop O’Malley of Cork, Ireland.  “They hold none of the values central to Catholic teaching.”

Many inside the Vatican are worried that perhaps Pope Benedict XVI may be suffering from pre-dementia.

But the Pope dismisses all those rumors.  He met with Snooki yesterday and said that the world will see what a positive influence the Catholic church can have on wayward children.

Snooki agreed, “I’m stoked.  You should see the rooms that the Pope set us up in.   Our parties are going to be off-the-hook.  Hallelujah!”

The cast could come in for culture shock. Having grown up with wine at the dinner table, most Italians tend to drink in moderation. They also take pride in social decorum, a concept known as cutting a “bella figura,” or the “beautiful figure.”

And the Vatican will require them to go to mass twice a day.

“Good luck with that,” said The Situation.  “I pray  on my own time, in my own way.  And usually with a girl.”

Zvia Shwirtz, 25, an American student living in Rome, says she can’t wait for the show to come to the Vatican. “It’s going to be hilarious… They are not going to have an easy time here.”

The Vatican will be sending up smoke signals – blue smoke – when the Jersey Shore cast arrives.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

MILAN – The Italian heavy metal band “Fratello Metallo” has a real shocker – their singer is a monk!

Brother Cesare Bonizzi is a Capuchin monk who belongs to the Order of Friars Minor Capuchin. Having always held an interest in using music as a means of spiritual devotion, Brother Cesare soon became passionate about heavy metal after seeing Metallica in concert.

He is now the lead singer of Fratello Metallo (“Brother Metal”) and even opened at the 2008 Gods of Metal show, Italy’s biggest heavy metal festival!

Check out his music below:

VENICE – An archaeologist excavating mass graves of plague victims in Venice has discovered the skull of an alleged vampire!

Matteo Borini of the University of Florence removed the skeleton from a mass grave dating back to 1576. The skull has a brick shoved into the mouth, which grave diggers often did of suspected vampires. At the time, many citizens believed the plague was being spread by vampires.

The myth of vampirism was spread during the Middle Ages because of the lack of understanding of decay. A bloody substance was often expelled from the mouth after death, causing the shroud to sag in and tear.

During the plague, gravediggers often dumped new bodies into old graves, allowing them to see these “chewed on” shrouds. This led to the belief that shroud-chewing was the mystical way vampires were spreading the disease. The brick was to keep them at bay.

This is the grave where Borini discovered the skull:

While these circumstances can explain vampirism away in Italy, surely this can not discount vampire legends as far away as Africa, the Americas and even Asia?

NEW DELHI, INDIA – India recently announced that it would launch its first manned mission to the moon in the coming months. Many questioned why India would spend billions of dollars during a world economic crisis on interplanetary space travel.

It was revealed today that India was invited to cater what will be the 21st Century’s largest intergalactic alien summit. Representatives will be coming from as far as the Qwoak home planet, or just around the corner, like Milky Way hometown favorites, the Martians.

“We are told that it came down to India, Italy, and China,” Narsimha Menon, India’s embassador to the InterGalactic Council, told reporters.

“Everyone knows that the Qwoaks are allergic to MSG so the Chinese were out, and the Vrrlkges do not eat carbs so the Italians got nixed.  That leaves India; everyone loves Indian, it’s so universal!” Menon said, not realizing his pun.

“The 2009 Alien Summit will be very influential in establishing governing policies for the next millennia,” said Dsgeyf Tnknk, summit coordinator.  “If you don’t get the food right, it doesn’t matter what is on the agenda. You don’t want unhappy representatives voting on possible trade embargoes on Planet Doom.”

Recently, Chicken Tikka Masala replaced fish and chips as the number one take out in Great Britain and replaced cannibalism as the primary food source amongst the native populations of Neptune.

VENICE, ITALY – Natalie and Chris Suhree were eating spaghetti and meatballs and discussing mafia politics when they heard the screams. “It sounded like an animal that is capable of taking flight but also like my friend Seth” explained Chris. “Also, it might sleep in a strange position like my friend Seth does sometimes.”

Much to his surprise, Chris wasn’t that far off – it turns out the screams came from a human bat – a strange creature that combines the characteristics of a bat and a human. “It still reminds me of Seth” snickered Chris. “He wouldn’t shut up while I was trying to eat.”

ROME, Italy — Following the announcement of the discovery of the Gnome of St. Peter, the Vatican has recently uncovered a trove of unknown Renaissance sculptures deep within the vaults of St. Symian’s Cathedral.

“The popes from the past hid many things,” said art archivist Julian Angeline. “They never knew when greedy or desperate rulers might try to sack the Vatican.”

Among the statuary was a vellum scroll signed by none other than Pope Julius II and Michelangelo. Renaissance historian Herbert Chissel was given access to the find.

“This document is a contract between the two men,” said Chissel. “It is commonly known that the pope was frustrated by how long it took Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling. With this scroll, His Holiness bet that he could teach a monkey to create works of art more quickly than Michelangelo.”

There were three sculptures in the vault.

“The first one appears to be an attempt to recreate Michelangelo’s David,” said Chissel. “The figure is upright, with something slung over his shoulder. That’s where the similarity ends.

“There’s a big screaming hole of a mouth, the feet are the size of clown shoes, and the midsection is just a flabby mass of marble.”
The second work seemed to be a sculpture of Moses.

“The monkey didn’t bother sculpting the body, face or the horns that Michelangelo’s Moses has,” said Chisel. “Indeed, it is not even clear whether this Moses has a head. It’s just a lumpy slab with a beard.”

The third statue was the Pieta, a depiction of Mary holding Jesus in her lap.

“It’s difficult to tell where one figure ends and the other begins,” said Chissel. “It looks like a pyramid with feet sticking out and the top of a head from the side.

“While the monkey may have created the statues more quickly than Michelangelo, the poor workmanship — or rather, workchimpship — proved that Michelangelo’s method was superior,” Chissel said. “And though the wager is not explicit in the scroll, the outcome is not in doubt.”