COLOGNE, Germany – This may be the most important find since the Dead Sea Scrolls!

Researchers have at last completed their translation of the so-called “Bethlehem Prophecies “a remarkable message said to have been written by the Three Wise Men who visited Jesus at his birth.

The 2,000-year-old document contains a dozen specific warnings, which are traditionally believed to have been delivered to the Wise Men by an angel in divinely inspired dreams.

“This is one of the most important documents in Christendom, as significant as the Dead Sea Scrolls,” sai Father Gaston Beytout, who has been working on the translation for seven years.

“Two of the prophesies it contains have already come true – including a warning about the Holocaust.  And it tells us of a host of events to take place between now and the year 2015.”

Here, translated into modern English, are the 12 Bethlehem Prophecies:

1.  After performing many miracles, the Messiah shall be betrayed by one who is close to Him and shall be put to death.  ”This prophecy, of course, was fulfilled with the crucifixion of Jesus,” said Ft. Beytout.

2. The people of Israel shall be dispersed to the four corners of the world.  In a land to the north many will die at the hand of a cruel warrior.  And the number slain shall be six thousand times one hundred times ten. “This appears to foretell the Holocaust in which Hitler exterminated an estimated six million Jews,” said Fr. Beytout.

3. A group of stars in the shape of a sword shall appear in the heavens.  This will be a sign that a great war is about to begin.

4.  A second Flood, greater than the first, shall inundate the Earth. Even mighty Egypt and the deserts around her will come to lie beneath the sea.

5.  Men shall become as women and women shall become as men. “Experts do in fact warn that pollution is affecting hormone levels among both men and women,”  Fr. Beytout observed.  ”The result could well be some kind of “unisex” version of the human race.”

6. Learned men will create an abomination.  This creature shall have the head of a man and the body of a sheep, and the cunning of a wolf.  It will breed more of its foul kind and they drink the blood of children.  ”This may be a prediction about DNA research gone awry,” suggest Fr. Beytout.

7.  A false prophet will preach the blasphemy that the sun is to be worshipped as God.  Many shall desert the religion of their fathers and follow him.

8. Out of Mesopotamia (modern-day Iraq) seven great plagues will emerge. One of these plagues will infect on e part of mankind in four, making them blind and causeing tehir eyes to bleed.

9.  A city in the most powerful nation of the earth, named for a pagan god, will be destroyed and covered with snow.  Said Fr. Beytout: “According to many experts the city of Juneau, Alaska – which soulds like the name of Roman goddess Juno – sits in the path of a potential avalanche.

10.  In the same nation a great hole shall open up and swallow the second Babylon.  ”Many people see Hollywood as modern Babylon,” said Fr. Beytout. “This may be a warming of an impending sinkhole catastrophe.”

11. The number of sinners in Hell shall grow so great it will become overcrowded.  The dead shall then walk the Earth and take up arms against the living.

12. The Beast shall rise up and conquer all the land and the sea to the horizon and even the land and sea beyond the horizon, “said Fr. Beytout. “The Wise men are apparently warning us that the Ant-Chris will enslave mankind – everywhere in the world.

WASHINGTON – U.S. Army is now allowing minors to serve in the military in preparation for a war with Libya.

The U.S. armed forces are looking to increase the number of available ground troops in order to prepare for an invasion of Libya. And with the U.S. being overextended in several countries due to its current war efforts, the U.S. Army has now decided to allow Americans as young as 10 years of age to enlist.

The decision came shortly after the U.S. Army announcement that a young boy from Louisiana would be an honorary member. Upon seeing the motivation and excitement from the recent young recruit, General George W. Casey Jr. got the idea to make the radical decision allowing children to enlist.

“The situation in Libya is just getting out of control and we can no longer sit idly by,” explained General Casey, “We need to get troops on the ground there ASAP, but with most all of our troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq, we see no other choice but to lower the enrollment age.”

Several parents groups are up in arms over the announcement that the U.S. military is now actively trying to enlist minors into the armed services.

“It’s bad enough that they have Army recruitment facilities in malls throughout the U.S. These facilities have been nothing more than an arcade that allows kids to play video games for free. But now adding the element of attempting to coerce children into enlisting, that is just unconscionable!” said Shelly Silverman president of the newly formed organization Mothers Against Recruiting Teens and Youngster Recruitment.

However, not everyone sees this as a bad thing though.

“Most of the kids in America need a swift kick in the pants anyway. They all think that they know what war is all about because they play Call of Duty and Metal of Honor on their Xboxs and PS3s, but they don’t know crap about war,” said Bill Meriwether, a decorated war vet, “Have any of these 10 year olds video jockeys held a man in their arms as he bleeds to death from shrapnel being logged in his genitals? I doubt it. I say let ‘em get their hands dirty and see what it’s all about.”

Currently, minors may only enlist on a volunteer basis but do not require parental consent. No word if the draft will be reinstated. It is still up for debate. But based on the overwhelming need for troops and the recent decision to enlist youngsters, it will only be a matter of months before everyone from 10 to 55 will be drafted for the impending war with Libya.

BAGHDAD – Did humans discover electricity long before the history books tell us? That is the implication of the mysterious Baghdad Battery.

‘Baghdad Battery’ is a name given to a group of items excavated in Khujut Rabu, Iraq in 1936. But it wasn’t until 1940, when William Konig, director of the National Museum of Iraq, published a paper on the objects that they were revealed to the modern world.

The objects are five-inch tall terracotta jars, that contain a copper cylinder, which itself contains an iron rod. When the jar is filled with water that contains a common acidic agent like lemon juice or vinegar, it would surround the iron rod as well. Konig’s hypothesis was that given that copper and iron form an electrochemical pair, the acidic agent could help produce an electric current.

While that may not sound very exciting, the implications are astounding. Archaeologists are unclear on when they were created, but the jars could date back as far as 250 BC. This means that humans may have known how to use electricity almost 2,000 years before Benjamin Franklin “discovered” it!

What could the Batteries have been used for? It is generally agreed that the items would have been inefficient as actual batteries, but could have been used in any number of other ways. Scientists believe it could have been anything from electroplating statues to producing a religious experience through the electrical sensation.

The hypothesis that ancient Iraq had access to electricity further fuels the belief that the ancient Egyptians understood it as well. This is usually supported by what is called the “Dendera light”, a stone relief in the Hathor temple. While most interpret the image as a snake within a lotus flower, others believe it is an electric lamp.

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama held a press conference early this morning to announce his appointee to the Inter-planetary organization.

Standing next to Intergalactic United Nations Supreme Allied Commander, Trrgufchk Skgrt, Obama declared Reggie Love would be accepting the position. Longtime Obama friend and personal aide, Reggie will be rewarded for his years of dedication with one of the most coveted ambassadorships in the universe.

Obama told reporters at the conference, “Reggie Love is a dedicated and passionate American and Earthling.  He will represent our interests well and see to it that the decisions of the galaxy stand up to the standards the American people expect of the Intergalactic community.”

“It’s an honor to be given such an important role,” Love told reporters following the announcement.  “To represent America and the people of Earth in front of the entire galaxy is a humbling responsibility.”

Not missing a beat, Republican strategist and hate-monger Karl Rove commented, “Well it’s nice to see that Obama is already rewarding friends with cushy appointments.  Is that change we can believe in?”

Love is expected to take up his appointment within a matter of weeks, potentially even before Obama is inaugurated.  Bush had refused to name an appointee after the IGUN refused to send troops into Iraq.

I was as happy as Joe Biden at a Hair Club for Men conference to see Sarah Palin crush Joe Biden in the VP debate last week.  Sarah had me at “Hey, can I call you Joe?”  It didn’t help that Joe-Tox had a look of surprise frozen on his face from the Botox and his recent eyelift. Joe talks about being a regular guy from Scranton, PA, but when I look around the room at my Elks Club meeting I don’t see many fellas with hair plugs, botox and a facelift.

I haven’t had a real crush since that candy-striper in the Korean War, but I found myself getting hotter and hotter for Sarah as the night went on.  How can you not love a girl who says with a wink, “Your plan is a white flag of surrender.”  That comment knocked Joe Biden to the ground like Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI.  Biden came in to the debate thinking that Sarah was an idiot and that dumb-ass was the one who limped out of the ring with the scars from his recent facelift busted wide open.

The next knock out punch came when Biden, who is supposed to be some kind of dang foreign-policy expert, had just given a long-winded explanation for how he voted in favor of invading Iraq but didn’t really mean for Bush to actually invade Iraq.  That Botox must have helped him keep a straight face when he told the American public that he of course realized way back then that it would be a very long and difficult war but he now opposes the war because it’s been too long and too difficult.

“Oh, man, it’s so obvious that I’m a Washington outsider and someone just not used to the way you guys operate,” Sarah Palin said with a look on her face like Biden had just offered her a dog turd sandwich.  It took me a while to get used to it, but now I am starting to love that Fargo-meets-Arctic accent.

Friends, let’s make sure we get out to vote so we can hear that accent often over the next eight years.  If Obama and Joe-Tox go to the White House, we are going to have every one of Obama’s America-hating ACORN and Weather Underground friends come out of their rat-holes and turn the good ol’ US of A into France before you can say “surrender”.