SAN DIEGO, CA – Apple is set to give its popular iPhone a facelift.  On March 17th the company will premiere the new iPhone 3.0 operating system and a host of new applications.

• Where am i? is a new destination application which uses GPS and your shopping history to determine where you are and where you probably want to go.  Click the button once and the device will find you using your own designated GPS satellite.  Then a list of nearby places of interest will be generated based on your internet, shopping, and credit history.  Click on one of the links and the device gives you explicit instructions to that destination.

• Hobo-X, when activated, emits a high pitch frequency intended to deter vagrants and transients.

• BetterThanU scrambles the calls of inferior phones within a 25 foot radius, giving iPhone users priority in public settings.

• With Exerciser iPhone, owners will use a touch screen to send an avatar representation of themselves through an exercise regimen.  They more time they spend working out, the more their avatar appears healthy and attractive.

• Polarizer lets you enter where you want to be on a political bar (how far left or right) and responds with your political knee-jerk reaction to any text entered, news stories or websites visited.  It can also respond with party-line talking points to any comments entered via microphone.

• Using speakerphone function, the Talker app will hold up one end of a conversation for users who are too tired or bored or simply can’t be bothered.

• iChew uses additional hardware and touch pad instructions (open – close) to chew your food for you.  The plug-in chewing dock is USB compatible and can fit in your pocket.

UPDATE: Death-ray-wielding open source software supporters are expected to crash the MacWorld convention in San Francisco.

Apple Enthusiasts are sporting their armored Powerbooks and reflective laptop bags at the MacWorld expo this week.

After Apple tried to stop the spread of an application that gives regular iPhones death ray capability, supporters are expected to retaliate by attending the popular Apple convention.

Specialized Apple gear, like an iPod equipped gas mask or the iLive full body armor with wifi, is will be available at the convention.  Apple’s executives will attend the convention via telecom from the iFallout Shelter.

December 31, 2008

BOULDER, CO – Dr. Michael Heinous of Colorado State University has developed a death ray application for the iPhone.

“This is monumental day for both death ray technology and open source software” said Dr. Heinous.

The application, when downloaded, equips any regular iPhone or iPod touch with death ray capabilities.

Apple is attempting to legally block the death rays distribution after 2 million people downloaded it over the Christmas holiday.

Steve Jobs took time from constructing an android body that will let his consciousness live forever to issue a statement: “Apple does not approve of this application.  Death ray technology and open source software are dangerous when released to the general public and are not in keeping with our corporate policy.”

Dr. Heinous works at Colorado State University in their Evil Science department.  “Hopefully this application will help me topple the world governments and rise to power.  Or at least get me tenure.”