CORAH, IOWA – There was an Elvis sighting on President Obama’s tour of the midwest!P

President Obama kicked off his three-day Midwestern tour Monday.  It was the eve of the anniversary of Elvis’s death and numerous members of the town hall meetings spotted the ghost of Elvis – hovering around Obama

The President even saw Elvis.  “I think Elvis has entered the building,” Obama told the crowd in Decorah, Iowa.  There was wild applause.  President Obama acknowledged that Blue Hawaii was his favorite song and that as a kid on Oahu he would dance on the beach singing that song to girls he wanted to date.

Elvis reportedly sang a verse of “Blue Hawaii” for Obama when Obama was delivering his  speech.  The crowd was captivated.  Many reporters outside said that the Iowa crowd, and the President, were just “imagining” Elvis, but some folks strongly disagreed.

“I don’t give a damn what anybody says, Elvis was on stage with Obama.  I seen him with my own eyes,” said Mildred Naylor, 65.  “And he was looking as gorgeous as ever!”

The White House bills Obama’s bus tour it as an opportunity for the president to talk about job growth and economic policy, but some say it’s just a campaign tour.  Others say that the Elvis sighting was “staged” by Obama.  It may be true, because as Obama headed into Minnesota there were throngs of fans waiting to get a glimpse of Elvis.

“Just more Obamagic,” say Leonard Piper, of St. Paul, Minnesota.  “Obama is going to pull out all the stops to get re-elected.  And if he has to use the ghost of Elvis to get people to listen to him talk now, well, he’ll do it.”

“I’m gonna need your help to make it happen – you’ve got to send a message to Washington that it’s time for games to stop, it’s time to put country first,” Obama told the crowd in Cannon Falls, Minnesota.  Soon after, Elvis appeared and sang “Love Me Tender.”  Obama sang along until Elvis gave him a “stop that now” look.

Obama and Elvis are on the road right now… heading for Wisconsin.   Reports are they are singing “I Don’t Care If The Sun Don’t Shine.”

CHATHAM, IL -  A Bigfoot footprint was identified and authenticated in Illinois!

There’s something amiss in the backwoods of Chatham, something potentially big. Lately there’s been talk around certain areas of town of an unusual howling and screeching sound as well as evidence of some very large footprints.

Since June there have been at least five to six instances of residents discovering or hearing evidence that the infamous Bigfoot may be lurking somewhere in the Chatham community. One case in particular has garnered some attention from local police, as well as a few proclaimed Big Foot experts.

On Wednesday, June 15, 2011, Michael Patrick’s mother was getting the liner to her pool changed at her residence, when workmen noticed an abnormally large footprint under the apple tree in the back yard and brought the footprint to Patrick’s attention.

Over the years Patrick and his mother had, at times, heard bizarre noises, but had always passed them off as coming from some common forest animal. But they weren’t the only ones that had heard the sounds either. The night before the footprint was found a neighbor had also commented about unusual sounds.

This is the apple tree where the footprint was found near:

“My neighbor has a German Shepherd, and it heard something that night that spooked him. The dog went outside to investigate, but came back cowering, now it won’t leave its owner’s side,” Patrick said.

Unsure about what exactly the footprint was, and concerned for his mother’s safety, Patrick called the Chatham Police Department. An officer came to investigate the scene, but was unable to determine what might have caused the print.

“The responding officer stated that there was a large footprint approximately 18 inches long and 8 inches wide, and it appeared there were five claw marks,” Chatham Police Department Deputy Chief, Vernon Foli said.

To give you an idea how big 18 inches is, retired NBA center Shaquille O’Neil’s feet are approximately 15 inches long, and he wears a size 23 shoe. The average human being’s foot measures approximately 9 ½ inches. Most shoe size charts end at a size fifteen shoe. An 18-inch footprint is about the size of a healthy newborn baby. Considering the size of the print, it’s understandable for a person to show a little concern if they found such a print in their yard.

The footprint measured approximately 18 inches long and eight inches wide according to the Chatham Police Department report. The immense size of the print isn’t fully appreciated until a hand is placed beside it.

Patrick documented his discovery on Facebook where he struck up a conversation with a friend. Patrick’s friend knew John Winterbauer, a Bigfoot investigator. Winterbauer in turn contacted local Bigfoot expert Stan Courtney.

Courtney has documented sightings and gathered sound recordings and evidence of Bigfoot for years. He has interviewed over two hundred witnesses who have seen Bigfoot.

“I literally know hundreds of people who’ve seen these animals. There have been lots of them in central Illinois. I’ve recorded lots of sounds that other researchers and witnesses believe come from these animals. People in Springfield don’t realize it, but there have been a lot of reports from the Sangamon River around Riverton.” Courtney said in a previous interview.

Courtney said that there have been five to six other reports of finding footprints and howling in the Chatham area since June.

So why is Bigfoot in Chatham? Well it’s hard to say really. Patrick’s property does back up to a wooded stream which flows into Lake Springfield. Courtney proposed that the creature was drawn to the house because of the apple tree that grows in Patrick’s mother’s back yard.

Stan Courtney explained to Patrick that the apple tree might have somehow been interpreted as a gift of food. In the past the Patrick’s had noticed that apples from the tree had been picked, but only to a certain height. They believed that the culprit was a wily raccoon, but the large footprint seemed to suggest otherwise. Courtney told Patrick that a creature such a Bigfoot will usually return the favor, and present a gift of its own as a show of appreciation in the form of a dead animal or a strange arrangement of flowers.

The day after his meeting with Courtney, Patrick discovered the Sasquatch’s gift, a decapitated rabbit, near his mother’s house. In Courtney’s account he stated that the rabbit had, “its head pulled off, not bitten or cut, but just simply pulled off.”

Since that strange June evening, no more incidents have occurred at Patrick’s mother’s residence. You might think that such a strange series of events would frighten most people in to staying out of the back yard, but the occurrence has not deterred Patrick’s mother from going about her normal routine.

“She’s not scared, she continues to do her yard work, she thinks it’s neat. My mom has never been skeptical of it.” Patrick said.

While his mother may not be skeptical of what happened, others aren’t ready to pin the event on Bigfoot just yet. Vernon Foli posed a possible explanation, albeit an indirect one.

“One thing I can tell you is that approximately ½ mile south of this location is the former Grindstone Valley Zoo that use to have exotic animals. The zoo is no longer in existence but the owner is Brad or Larry Reynolds and he still has some animals at this location,” Foli said.

Could the print have come from an animal from the old zoo? The Reynolds had kept large animals such as buffalo, antelope, elk, deer, tigers, leopards, monkeys, and zebras while the zoo was open. Or could it be a bear footprint? It’s widely believed by many that there are no bears in Illinois, but with their presence in neighboring states, Wisconsin and Missouri, would it be so far fetched to think that there are indeed bears in Illinois?

At this point it’s hard to tell what exactly made the footprint, but with other accounts of strange happenings and unusual howls and screeches in Chatham, many residents are raising an eyebrow.

“I definitely don’t think it was a hoax, and it was more than just a coincidence. I think that people should just be a bit more vigilant and careful, because you never know what you’re going to find out there,” Patrick said.

Kevin Tremain
The State-Journal Register

ILLINOIS – Hundreds of witnesses saw a UFO transform itself into a passenger jet.

Illinois witnesses reports watching an “extremely bright, amber-colored alien ship” in the sky at 2:40 a.m. on May 13, 2011.  They object changed (morphed) into a passenger jet in an instant!

One eyewitness report:

“I observed it for closed to 7 minutes when it started heading westbound,” the witness stated. “As it moved it seemed to dip down, then go back up a little higher. It kept moving when all of a sudden a plane flew by between the object and my stand point.”

The witness says the unknown craft then changed from an amber spaceship and “seemed to mimic the aircraft passing by.”

“The unknown craft then started heading my way. I have seen plenty planes in my life to know that the sudden change of direction for this craft wasn’t typical of a jet line). Anyhow it headed my way and zoomed just about 1,000 feet just a few houses short of where I was and headed north/west.”

Another witness in Springfield also reported an object that was changing shape on May 12, 2011.

The witness said that the object was “getting dimmer, then brighter, then turning into a disk shape. (This is looking south from north towards the Seattle metro area.) It started moving left ( or east) and disappeared. Another one showed up shortly after out of nowhere, and another appeared after that. They would get dim, then bright, then turn into orange ‘saturn shapes’. After that, they would turn into a dim ball again, and disappear, then one would reappear. After there was one, another would appear, so there were two, then they both just disappeared.”

Illinois is currently under a UFO ALERT – Code 5.  The Obama Administration and the Department of Homeland Security are monitoring the situation closely.

Illinois had 10 UFO reports in April 2011 – while California had 46 sightings, the highest reporting state in the nation.

CHICAGO, IL – The infamous Tsavo lions, said to have killed over 100 people, were found to have only eaten 35.

The pair of Kenyan lions, nicknamed “Ghost and the Darkness”, were killed in 1898 after reportedly eating 135 people! At the time, Lt. Col. John Henry Patterson was in charge of building a railway bridge over the Tsavo River to continue the Kenya-Uganda Railway.

The lions began entering the camps at night and dragging Indian railway workers out of their tents to devour them. Thorn fences were built around the area but the lions figured out how to crawl through.

After many unsuccessful traps, Patterson was able to shoot the lions three weeks apart. Only 28 Indians were recorded as being killed, however Patterson put the total number at 135, after including what he claimed were the deaths of unrecorded African locals.

Researchers at the Field Museum in Chicago have now concluded that the number was most likely 35. They analyzed the bones and pelts of the stuffed lions to determine what they had been eating.

“You are what you eat,” said researcher Bruce Patterson. “Just like salmon that eat mercury-tainted fish accumulate the metal in their bodies over time, so the chemical makeup of every animal’s diet is reflected in the tissues of their bodies.”

The researchers on the project believed that they are “95 percent confident that the lions ate as few as 4 or as many as 75 people total, with the highest probability falling out around 35 people.”

The exhibit at the Museum will be altered to include the new information.

CHICAGO, IL – A 51-year-old chunk of hair taken from Elvis’ haircut when he entered the Army is going up for auction this week.

The hair was picked up and kept by “a friend” who has held on to it ever since.  Only because of the economic crisis has he been forced to part with his beloved chunk of hair.

Similar items from Elvis’ life, collected by friends family and fans, will be available for auction.

A toothbrush once used by Elvis while he was on tour will be available for auction.  According to descriptions, the brush was used in the early part of his career while he was still doing small tours.  The brush is small, green, and basic with a rubber bit at the end, and was purchased purchased by Elvis specifically for the tour.

It has been kept by a resolute fan, who broke into Presley’s hotel room while he was sleeping, to grab whatever mementos she could. The Alabama woman wishes to remain anonymous, but it has been noted she walks with a limp from when Elvis threw a lamp at her as she jumped out his window

Ten years worth of fingernail clippings, collected by his maid during the 60′s, will be available at auction.  The clippings have been kept in a glass jar, hermetically sealed, and locked in a safety deposit box of a Swiss bank.

An undershirt worn by The King in a 1970 performance will also be available for sale.  The shirt has not been laundered since Elvis soaked it with sweat under the bright Las Vegas lights.  The shirt is said to turn anyone who wears it into a rock star.  Matchbox 20 is believed to only exist due to brief contact with the shirt.  In the nearly 40 years since it was worn by Elvis the shirt his believed to be at the center of a dozen mysterious deaths, 4 missing people, and 8 top 20 hits.

CHICAGO, IL – Sources inside the Obama Transition Team have confirmed that Rahm Emanuel tipped off FBI to Governor Rod Blagojevich’s schemes as payback.

Emanuel, Chief of Staff to the President-Elect, known throughout the Capitol as “Rahmbo,” is a political ball-buster and ruthless opponent. It has been no secret in Illinois that Emanuel, a popular member of the House of Representatives, is no fan of the embattled Illinois Governor.

Rumors have circulated for years that during the Clinton Administration, Emanuel, a top political adviser, challenged several members of the House to a duel on the lawn of the Illinois State Capitol. Blagojevich was reportedly the only one to accept the challenge.

They met at dawn and stood back to back before walking 20 paces and turning to face one another.  Emanuel’s gun misfired.  In his anger, he showed Blagojevich his favorite finger.

Blagojevich, with surprisingly good aim, shot off the tip of Emanuel’s middle finger on the right hand.

It was the first time Emanuel was on the losing end of a political gunfight, and he would never forget the lost phalange. As Blagojevich began making blatant attempts to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder, Emanuel saw an opportunity for payback.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Emanuel asked the FBI to allow him to settle the matter with Blagojevich through a duel. When asked about the allegation, US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said, “I cannot comment on that.  But it sure sounds like Rahmbo.”

CHICAGO, IL – Obatma was wrongly arrested this morning for conspiring to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his chief of staff were arrested Tuesday morning after the FBI revealed wiretaps exposing Blagojevich’s plans to trade the Senate seat for cash and a well-paying job for his wife.

Obatma was also picked up from his makeshift cave in Grant Park. FBI agents believed he was involved in the planning but were admittedly confused by his motives. Why would Obatma conspire against his own half-brother’s old seat?

Upon reviewing the tapes, the error was found. Obatma’s grasp on English, let alone any human language, is extremely poor. Obatma was able to explain through a sonar interpreter that when Blagojevich called, he thought they were talking about selling seeds for honey. Honey is very valuable in his home country of Kenya, and Obatma occasionally ventured from his cave to trade seeds with the honey hunting Ogiek tribe.

The taped conversation went as follows:

R: I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. The seat is a valuable thing – you just don’t give it away for nothing.
O: squeak!
R: I want to make money.
O: squeak squeak!
R: Are you in?
O: squeeeeaaaaaaak!
R: Wow. Keep our fingers crossed. You’re the man. Good job, son.

Obatma was returned to his cave, but not before he was given five minutes to sit in the front seat of the police car and turn the sirens on and off repeatedly.

WASHINGTON, DC – President-Elect Obama asserted influence this weekend, advising President Bush on which holiday choir to pick for the White House – and they’re aliens!

The Qwoak Intergalactic Boys Choir, famous for their recent holiday albums “I Saw Mommy Kissing Frozen Santa Claus” and “Rudolph the Twelve Nosed Reindeer,” have been performing choral choirs around the country.

After seeing the QIBC perform at Old Orchard Shopping Center in Skokie, Illinois, the President-Elect decided they were perfect for the White House.  The fact that the decision is not yet up to him did not seem to be of significance.

In a not so subtle move, the President-Elect went on Meet The Press Sunday morning and said how he intends to return the White House to the people by inviting artists, poets and musicians as well as school children and the public at large to use the White House as a tool for advancement of culture and art.

At the same time, Rahm Emmanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, was on the phone with current White House staff to get the Qwoak Intergalactic Boys Choir to be brought on as the official White House Choir this holiday season.

“The President-Elect is committed to using the White House as a platform for advancing and bettering the American culture,” Emmanuel said.   “What better way to do that then by introducing Americans to the most talented artists, not just from America, not just from Earth, but the entire galaxy.”

SPRINGFIELD, IL – In a move widely seen as political pandering, the Governor of Illinois announced an unusual choice for Obama’s seat in the Senate.

At a press conference this morning, Governor Rod Blagojevich unveiled a resurrected Abraham Lincoln as the much-anticipated Senate seat-filler.

Blagojevich, a Democrat who won reelection in 2006 despite low approval ratings and accusations of corruption throughout his administration, was expected to make an appointment that would be popular not only in his party, but with Republicans as well.

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President, former Illinois state representative and member of the Illinois delegation to the House of Representatives is widely revered as our nation’s greatest president, having ended slavery and restoring the Union.

“Illinois politics are full of dark horses and controversial figures,” says Donna Brazile, political analyst and campaign manager for Al Gore’s presidential run in 2000.  “Far-left democrats like Jesse Ventura Jr. or Tammy Duckworth would have energized their base but potentially energized Republicans even more for the midterms in 2010 when the seat will be open to a general election.”

George Ryan, former Republican Governor of Illinois and current prison inmate, told reporters via email, “Its hard to find fault with this appointment.  While it’s obviously politically manipulative, Blagojevich could not have found a living person more dedicated to the people of Illinois and public service.  Perhaps that’s why he chose to resurrect the dead.”

Speaking to a crowd of several hundred, Senator-Appoint Lincoln said, “It is with great humility and honor that I fill the enormous shoes of President-Elect Barack Obama.  I can only hope to do him justice and serve the people of Illinois to the best of my ability as a United States Senator.  I will spend the next six weeks freshening up on the political climate of the last 143 years and taking some time to get to know my constituents and their concerns.  I have a feeling things have changed some since I last served the American people.”

CHICAGO, IL – With the economy continuing its roller-coaster ride this week, retailers are expecting a different type of crowd.

Interplanetary shoppers are anticipated to make up as much as 74% of Black Friday shoppers.  Americans are tightening their belts and keeping their wallets pocketed this holiday season as bonuses are cut and lay-offs looming right around the corner.

“Typically we have a good amount of shoppers the week leading up to Thanksgiving,” Wal-Mart manager Susiana Thornward told reporters.  “But this year we haven’t noticed a dramatic spike in sales in November.  We’re a little worried about Friday.”

Experts don’t share Thornward’s skepticism.  Although big box retailers like Wal-Mart and Best Buy have not seen significant growth during the financial crisis, online retailers of those same companies, as well as Amazon.com have noted that interplanetary and intergalactic sales are booming.

Brian Dipther, consumer trend specialist for Newsweek Online said, “Since Black Friday deals are only available in stores, we expect to see large numbers of aliens flocking to stores to snatch up the incredible deals being offered by big box retailers.”

“If you thought it got ugly when hundreds of mid-westerners rush around a store trying to grab up sale items, just wait until six-armed, three-headed, slime-covered 14-foot tall aliens are fighting over a Tickle-Me Elmo.”