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Happy Holidays from the WWN!

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA – A six foot tall rabbit was seen leaving the Betty Ford Clinic this week.  Is the Easter Bunny trying to clean up before his big day?Camped outside the clinic’s entrance, reporters snapped pictures of a six foot tall rabbit leaving at 3am this Tuesday.  A positive identification was not possible as the giant rabbit was wearing a disguise.

Was this the Easter Bunny, or some other giant anthropomorphic rabbit?  Experts are unsure.

The Easter Bunny himself has a long history with substance abuse.  Formerly just a sugar addict, while delivering baskets in New York in the mid eighties the Easter Bunny became hooked on cocaine.  Families throughout America would wake on Easter morning to find half-filled baskets in the living room and cash missing from their wallets.

June 5th 1989 a joint task force between the FBI and DEA caught the Easter Bunny at a motel outside of Houston, Texas.  He had led the agents on a 5 state chase before finally being caught surrounded by chocolate eggs filled with methamphetamines.

Since being released from prison the Easter Bunny has stayed clean, and volunteered with drug education/prevention programs for children.  He was even a guest on a “Scared Straight” television special, detailing his former life as a junkie.

Was this the Easter Bunny leaving the rehab clinic?  Is he cleaning up his act again before the big day?  Was he getting help to stay strong before during the stress and temptation of his holiday?  Or was this a different anthropomorphic rabbit trying to get his life together?

Keep reading the Weekly World News for more details.

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Lindsay Lohan needs counseling, not a restraining order.

After an eventful and dramatic evening at the Chateau Marmont on Friday, the Ronson family is placing a restraining order on Ms. Lohan.

Lohan, Samantha Ronsons ex-girlfriend, has gone insane! Samantha’s family held an intervention last week to express their deep concern while encouraging Sam to stay clear of the “drug-induced” Lohan.

Insiders from the Beverly Hills Police Department overheard Ronson’s mother and sister, designer Charlotte, talking to a clerk Monday afternoon about how to “send a message” to Lohan to inform her of the nasty news.
The BHPD clerk apparently told the duo that a restraining order would be the “best option.” If Lindsay “violates it, then she gets taken away.”

Charlotte had nothing but wonderful words to say about Lohan. “She does these things to get attention… She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below [us]… She also followed our brother Mark around.”
“Lindsay was doing drugs,” Ann continued. “She got up illegally to our room… She does these acts of public humiliation. It is all for attention,” Charlotte continued.

Is Lindsay really trying that hard to fit in with the Ronson family? We think Lohan needs to spend some quality time with PhD Ape. His insight and inspiration will surely straighten her up and get her back on the right track!
PhD Ape is the answer – NOT a fourth time at rehab.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-07-ronson-family-to-file-restraining-order-against-lohan

DETROIT, MI – North Carolina wins the NCAA Basketball Championship.  Broadcast interruption sparked riots in small towns across the country.

Coach Roy Williams led North Carolina’s Tarheels to victory last night, beating Michigan State 89 to 72.  This is their second championship in five years.

Throughout the course of the evening broadcast was interrupted in small towns throughout the country.  Reception would falter or go out entirely during particularly dramatic moments in the game.  Large sections rural Indiana lost reception entirely.  Riots ensued.

Street signs were torn down, cars overturned, and bonfires set in regions where the Basketball Championship was blacked out last night.  Technical help lines were flooded with frantic calls, but no technical reasons could be given for the interruption.  People flooded electronics stores, hoping a television would be on and showing the game, then destroying everything in their path when it was not.  Sports bars in Indiana, Michigan, both Carolinas, and Illinois quickly turned to violence and pagan sacrifice.

One Indiana family, who lost reception shortly before halftime, built a large wicker man on their front lawn and set fire to it hoping this would appease whatever gods were listening.  Across the American farm belt livestock was sacrificed in front of television sets by desperate sports fans.  Residents of a South Carolina mill town burned down half of the downtown area before riot police reminded them that Dancing with the Stars was still on.

In Chapel Hill North Carolina, students from the tech department created a receiver which was able to pick up broadcasts of the game coming from Japan.  Punctuated by commercials for unusual game shows, the game came in loud and clear to a jubilant student body.  Once the game was won thousands of ecstatic students poured onto Franklin Street in downtown Chapel Hill, where fires were set and cars destroyed but this time out of happiness.

No definitive evidence has yet been given for the sporadic interruption of service.  Some are claiming it is part of a government mind control experiment.  Others believe it may be a cruel joke played by Ted Turner.  One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the ruling body of the Illuminati are big Michigan State fans.

BOSTON, MA  -  Bat Boy is outraged over the postponement of the Red Sox home opener.Bat Boy was scheduled to attend his first baseball game at Fenway Park this evening. However, officials have cancelled the game due to heavy rain. Dressed and ready to go in his newly purchased fan gear, Bat Boy was very disappointed when he showed up at the stadium unaware of the game change.

After arriving at Fenway Park, Bat Boy decided to join other outraged fans who had decided to camp out overnight and wait for the highly anticipated home opener. The game against the Tampa Rays was rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

Bat Boy and his new friends strolled over to Who’s On First to meet up with other loyal Sox fans.
Italian Sausages and lemonade were the items of choice for Bat Boy while others consumed multiple PBR’s.  I can only imagine – a few PBRs and the night will be flooded with tunes of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”.

Nothing like some Sox spirit for Bat Boy’s first game debut.

NEW YORK, NY – The UN Security Council held an emergency meeting after North Korea fired a large rocket.Inside sources confirm the launch was part of a rock concert performed by returning leader Kim Jong Il.

State Departments around the world are furious at what appears to be an overt act of aggression on North Korea’s part.  Intelligence analysts say the multi-stage rocket could be used to deliver ballistic missiles to neighboring countries.  The North Korean Ministry of Truth maintains the rocket was an attempt to put a satellite in orbit.

Hidden sources deep within North Korea confirm the leader of the communist party performed in a rock concert this weekend to celebrate his return from America.  For months Kim Jong Il has been sighted throughout rural America, taking in the sights and performing at open mic nights.  On Sunday after two mediocre opening acts and several delays Kim Jong Il took to the stage in the Glam Rock persona “Buzzy Starcluster.”

This concert marks a change from the mostly country and blues he experimented with throughout the American heartland, and the first time a head of state has performed as an androgynous intergalactic rock star.

Kim Jong Il did an interview earlier this week for North Korea’s only music magazine People’s Republic of Funk, for which he is also the editor.  According to the interview Buzzy Starcluster is quote “a benevolent intergalactic leader” who “comes to the most beautiful and gracious people of each planet with a message of peace and love.”  His new album “Unending rise of the Eternal Sovereign from Beyond the Stars and the Unfortunate Vermin from Mars” will be state issued to all citizens within the month.

Songs from Sunday’s performance included Mount Paektu Daydream, It Ain’t Easy being Glorious Leader, Seoul Love,  21st Century Boy, and a soulful cover of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab sung a cappella by the communist dictator.

The show culminated with the launch of several rockets, including the multi-stage rocket which has caused an international stir.  At the musical climax of the show all the rockets launched from bunkers behind stadium, framing Kim Jong Il perfectly in their vapor trails.

A video of the concert will be broadcast on state television around the clock for the next week.

Unconfirmed reports say that the rocket has been recovered from the ocean, and its payload contained enough glitter and pictures of Kim Jong Il to blanket a countryside.  The pictures were postcard sized of Kim in his Glam Rock costume with the caption “I Love You.”