Zombies can be a real  problem over the holidays.  Here’s an instructional video to help you make it through.

The holidays are never easy.   We all have to deal with family dysfunction – psychotic aunts who think it’s a good idea to shave everyone’s head on Christmas morning, drunk uncles who scream “fruitcake” all night while staring at their crotch, and possessed children who like to poke you in the eye with broken candy canes – but the REAL annoyance is when Zombies show up to your holiday soiree.

Guess who’s coming to dinner?

Luckily Team Unicorn has come up with a handy instructional video that will help you be prepared for Zombie holiday crashers.  It gives you  all the information you need to safely and happily enjoy the season without turning into one of the walking dead.

WASHINGTON -  Due to the poor economy, Congress voted today to rename Labor Day. This year it will be called “Sex Day.”

Leaders of the House and Senate called their members back to Washington today for a vote on renaming Labor Day.  Nancy Pelosi told reporters, “There are too many people out of work to have a proper Labor Day celebration. It just reminds people how bad the economy is. It’s too depressing. At the same time, we learned this week that the U.S. birth rate is at a all-time low, so we need to encourage our citizens to have sex and make more American babies.”

“What better way to spend a day off than having sex all day,” said Vice President Biden, who initiated the plan for Sex Day.  “And since nobody really has any money for vacations anymore, why not just go into the bedroom and take a little sex vacation with your loved one?  It’s free, it’s fun and… the kids you’ll have next May will love it!”

Conservatives immediately objected to the renaming of Labor Day. “Sex is not the answer!  We need job, job, jobs,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell.  But when Scott Brown, Senator of Massachusetts was asked what he thought he said, “Actually, I think sex is the answer.  I don’t know what the question is, but sex is always a good answer.”

Americans across the country seem to be embracing the new name for the September holiday.   Many Americans are planning on staying at home and “getting busy.”  “I like the idea,” said Jonathan Wilson of New York.  “Maybe my wife will alter our sex schedule for once.”  Wilson’s wife, Cheryl, responded, “Maybe my husband will last more than two minutes on Monday.”

Congress is hoping for a big baby boom next May.  “What would be perfect if we had millions of babies born next May 1st, which is International Worker’s Day. We can make all those babies official members of the AFL-CIO upon birth.  That’s be wonderful for the country.”

The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City. It became a federal holiday in 1894, when, following the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. Marshals during the Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland  put reconciliation with the labor movement as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, Labor Day was made a national holiday .

There’s no conflict this year, so Sex Day is a national holiday.

Lola Ridge, a 25-year-old escort in New York City strongly supports the new holiday.  “I think everybody should have sex, not just couples trying to have babies. There should be one day a year where everybody should be ordered to have sex.  And if you’re in New York, call me.  I’ll give you a holiday discount.”

President Obama plans to go to Camp David for the national day of sex.    He recommends all Americans rest up on Sunday in order to prepare for a wild day on Monday.  “Get your freak on,” said President Obama.

Let the foreplay begin!

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA – A six foot tall rabbit was seen leaving the Betty Ford Clinic this week.  Is the Easter Bunny trying to clean up before his big day?Camped outside the clinic’s entrance, reporters snapped pictures of a six foot tall rabbit leaving at 3am this Tuesday.  A positive identification was not possible as the giant rabbit was wearing a disguise.

Was this the Easter Bunny, or some other giant anthropomorphic rabbit?  Experts are unsure.

The Easter Bunny himself has a long history with substance abuse.  Formerly just a sugar addict, while delivering baskets in New York in the mid eighties the Easter Bunny became hooked on cocaine.  Families throughout America would wake on Easter morning to find half-filled baskets in the living room and cash missing from their wallets.

June 5th 1989 a joint task force between the FBI and DEA caught the Easter Bunny at a motel outside of Houston, Texas.  He had led the agents on a 5 state chase before finally being caught surrounded by chocolate eggs filled with methamphetamines.

Since being released from prison the Easter Bunny has stayed clean, and volunteered with drug education/prevention programs for children.  He was even a guest on a “Scared Straight” television special, detailing his former life as a junkie.

Was this the Easter Bunny leaving the rehab clinic?  Is he cleaning up his act again before the big day?  Was he getting help to stay strong before during the stress and temptation of his holiday?  Or was this a different anthropomorphic rabbit trying to get his life together?

Keep reading the Weekly World News for more details.