ROME, Italy — Following the announcement of the discovery of the Gnome of St. Peter, the Vatican has recently uncovered a trove of unknown Renaissance sculptures deep within the vaults of St. Symian’s Cathedral.

“The popes from the past hid many things,” said art archivist Julian Angeline. “They never knew when greedy or desperate rulers might try to sack the Vatican.”

Among the statuary was a vellum scroll signed by none other than Pope Julius II and Michelangelo. Renaissance historian Herbert Chissel was given access to the find.

“This document is a contract between the two men,” said Chissel. “It is commonly known that the pope was frustrated by how long it took Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling. With this scroll, His Holiness bet that he could teach a monkey to create works of art more quickly than Michelangelo.”

There were three sculptures in the vault.

“The first one appears to be an attempt to recreate Michelangelo’s David,” said Chissel. “The figure is upright, with something slung over his shoulder. That’s where the similarity ends.

“There’s a big screaming hole of a mouth, the feet are the size of clown shoes, and the midsection is just a flabby mass of marble.”
The second work seemed to be a sculpture of Moses.

“The monkey didn’t bother sculpting the body, face or the horns that Michelangelo’s Moses has,” said Chisel. “Indeed, it is not even clear whether this Moses has a head. It’s just a lumpy slab with a beard.”

The third statue was the Pieta, a depiction of Mary holding Jesus in her lap.

“It’s difficult to tell where one figure ends and the other begins,” said Chissel. “It looks like a pyramid with feet sticking out and the top of a head from the side.

“While the monkey may have created the statues more quickly than Michelangelo, the poor workmanship — or rather, workchimpship — proved that Michelangelo’s method was superior,” Chissel said. “And though the wager is not explicit in the scroll, the outcome is not in doubt.”

1863 A.D.: INFANTRY MADE UP OF INFANTS!

DURING the Civil War, the Confederacy won a victory in the Battle of Chickamauga and the North’s need for more soldiers forced President Lincoln to create a new branch of the infantry.

“A fierce patriot, Lincoln felt that all Americans should do their part in the war,” said Civil War historian Daniel Grey. “That’s why the new infantry consisted of drafted infants.”

While the babies in this new infantry weren’t required to fight, they did serve other functions. They were first used in military observation balloons.

“Hot air balloons were used for reconnaissance,” said Grey. “The babies were employed as ballast.

Although the babies were strapped to the outside of the gondolas, surveyors had to keep their ears plugged to block out all the crying. The babies were quite helpful in keeping the balloons from flying away.”

Drool was also a useful commodity.

“There was a shortage of oil in those days, and many of the union sabers were rusting from rain and blood,” said Grey. “Ulysses S. Grant realized that baby saliva was almost as good at keeping swords in good fighting condition. There was enough saliva to keep every sword in the Union from rusting.”

Babies also saw action on the front lines.

“Despite their young age, seasoned soldiers were able to show babies how to load muskets,” said Grey.

“Fortunately, the infants enjoyed shoving the ramrod in and out of the muzzle. Even amidst explosions, the babies were having fun.”

If it hadn’t been for Lincoln’s daring initiative, the outcome of the war might have been very different.

“It was certainly more successful than his other idea, which was to use baby cows as mounts,” said Grey. “The ‘calvealry’ never quite caught on.”