Time was, Earth Day was just for dirty crazy hippies. You could stay away from it if you just figured out where the bad smell was coming from, then went the other way.

But now Earth Day is run by big corporations and politicians and millionaires, who want you to buy their soap that doesn’t clean stuff at twice the price, and those curly light bulbs with the poison inside them.

If I want a toilet that doesn’t flush, I’ll go back to using an outhouse – and that’s not gonna happen!

Why do the same people who want to fix the environment want to hand out free condoms at the same time – isn’t rubber bad for Planet Earth? I guess it’s ok because rubber comes from trees. They like everything “natural” – unless it’s tobacco!

I can’t keep track of all this crap. Especially the thing about passing laws against cow farts. You know what’s coming? A law against breathing! These jerks love the Earth – it’s people they hate. They say we’re overpopulated, so why don’t they kill themselves. Then we’d all be happy!

I don’t see the point of saving the polar bears anyhow. They don’t do cute tricks like seals do. If we could train them to kill terrorists or patrol the border, that would be something useful, but otherwise they just lay around getting their pictures taken.

This Earth Day, the closest I want to get to nature is the pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror of my big old truck!

I’m as frustrated as a pygmy at a Knicks game! Those damn hippies told us pollution was bad. They made us stop littering – which took the fun out of family car trips! Then they said to stop taking family car trips because they waste gas and make smog.

Then because they wanted everyone to stink as bad as they do, the hippies said we couldn’t use deodorant because stuff in the spray can was bad for outer space.

Now, I’ve been saying all this time that getting rid of pollution would be BAD for us! We’d spent years building up the strength to live with smog, so cleaning up the air would make us a nation of wimps – and I was right!

Our kids wear helmets to eat peanut butter sandwiches! Our cars are small and ugly, and everything fun is banned. I read on the computer machine that the World Trade Centers fell down faster because they built it without asbestos — after they found out asbestos could kill people!

But after all that, NASA says getting rid of pollution was bad for Nature all along!

NASA just discovered all the bad things in old spray cans were what was keeping the world cool! Know what that means? HIPPIES CAUSED GLOBAL WARMING!!

I never believed in global warming, but if we can blame hippies for it, I do now! And you know you can trust whatever NASA says, because they build billion dollar spaceships that blow up after thirty seconds if a piece of styrofoam falls off!

If you’d listened to poor old Ed all along, we’d still be driving big smelly cars, tossing fast food garbage on the side of the road, and giving hippie hitchhikers the finger! Those were the good old days!

I’m madder than a hippie chick who’s run out of hemp tampons!

Did you know Al Bore left his lights on during that stupid Earth Hour on Saturday night? It’s true: over at his billion square foot mansion, Crazy Al was running up his electric bill when he was telling the rest of us to sit in the dark like cavemen!

I’m guessing the light was from Al Gore’s open fridge!

These pinkos are such hypocrites. The Communist in Chief can’t even talk in public without reading off a plugged-in machine, but he wants us to shut off our power!

Without electricity, Oprah would be roasting her corndogs over a bonfire. Without electricity, George Clooney’s illegal Mexican houseboy would be pounding his dirty shirts on a rock in a river.

Meanwhile, everyone’s ignoring really important problems. I hear they’re letting all those crazy Arabs and Paleostynians out of Gitmo, and bringing them to live here in the U.S. of A. Just what we need: more foreign cab drivers who don’t know where they’re going.

Except they won’t have to work – the Teleprompter Kid is gonna give all these terrorists welfare and whatnot when they get here! Then again, we’ve been giving them fancy meals and letting them sit around doing nothing for years now, so what’s the difference? Instead of going to court, they’ll get to watch Judge Judy all day like all the other welfare bums.

At this rate, these terrorists will be working for ACORN in the next election, and asking Obama to buy them new houses and cars.

They should change the name “Gitmo” to “Get More”!

I’m madder than Ben Franklin with a busted kite!

Those tofu-sucking enviro-nuts are all over our (electric) TVs and (electric) computers, telling us to turn OFF the electricity for an hour on Saturday night. That’s crazy!

First off, everyone knows what happens when there’s a real blackout: nine months later, you’ve got a mess of screaming babies! But those green freaks hate overpopulation, too. These bamboo-brained hippies haven’t thought this through, as usual.

Besides, I didn’t lose a toe to frostbite on Porkchop Hill so I’d live in a U. S. of A. without lights and heat and my “America’s Most Wanted.”

So here’s my plan: find out when you’re supposed to turn the lights out, and turn them all on. You hillbillies with Christmas lights still up? For once, you did good: snap ‘em on.

Borrow the worst mileage truck you can find, lower the tire pressure, then drive to the dump and throw out all that stuff you aren’t supposed to, like bleach bottles and Styrofoam peanuts. Celebrate by going to the fast food drive through and going around and around, ordering just one item at a time! Then eat in the car and throw the litter out the window.

Go home and put the furnace on high – then turn up your air conditioning to cancel it out! Flush the toilet every hour on the hour. (This is where prostate trouble comes in real handy!) Slice up a bunch of old tires with your gassiest chainsaw, and set ‘em on fire! You won’t hear your neighbors complain cuz all your radios and TVs will be blasting.

Let those dirty hippie traitors sit in the dark this Saturday night like a bunch of commies. All us true Americans will be making them cry!