ZURICH -  Swiss engineers building the world’s largest tunnel drilled right into hell!

Swiss engineers drilled through the last layer of rock yesterday, successfully finishing the construction of the world’s largest tunnel. But the engineers were all horrified to learn that they had broken through to the first layer of Hell.

The newly formed Gotthard Base Tunnel, which cost over 10 billion dollars and took nearly twenty years to complete, was originally designed to provide a much-needed link between Europe’s high-speed rail systems and reduce the amount of traffic on the Alpine roadways. However, all hopes of a unified Europe were dashed after tunnel miners drilled directly into the blazing inferno of Hell.

Shouts of joy turned to cries of horror as the last layer of rock came crumbling down and flaming demons came spewing out from the Earth.

“I knew there was something wrong when we heard blood-curdling screams from beyond the last layer of rock,” said deputy foreman Bjorg Hanjsen. “But I couldn’t stop the drilling machine in time. There was no turning back.”

The tunnel, 35.4 miles in length, overtook Japan’s Seikan Tunnel to become the longest underground passage in the world. The Seikan Tunnel experienced a similar dilemma during its construction when Japanese workers accidentally drilled into Purgatory.   But it was a much more tranquil discovery.  “Those people seemed so indifferent.”

The completion of the Gotthard Base Tunnel comes amidst news of the 33 Chilean miners who were rescued from a collapsed mine shaft earlier this week.

“Being stuck in that mine only felt like Hell,” said Enrico Gonzalez, a rescued Chilean miner. “But I can’t even imagine what those Swiss guys went through. They experienced the real deal.  There’s no sunglasses that can block Satan’s death rays!”

The six-hundred and sixty-six Tunnel Miners who drilled into Hell are currently undergoing exorcisms at a Swiss hospital.

“It was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Swiss miner Lars Monpelier. “There was fire everywhere, and people were being tortured in the most gruesome ways. There were guys in tanks of boiling blood, others with their heads impaled on sticks and still others watching the Twilight saga. I saw Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin. I think I even saw Kanye West, although it looked like he was just there to sign a contract or something.”

Swiss authorities are still reeling from the tragic breach of Hell. “I think we drilled right into Satan’s boudoir,” said Sven Steig, lead driller.  “That can’t be good.”

Jacques Larson, a Swiss theologian at the University of Geneva. “We’ve got to seal that tunnel up now! If we don’t, terrible things could happen.  Satan is threatening to release a Justin Bieber rap album on the world!”

Horrified citizens of every country support the Swiss and a global “Seal the tunnel, Stop the Bieber!” campaign.

President Obama, however, did not offer any assistance to the Swiss.. “We have our own tunnel to Hell,” said Obama. “It’s called the New York City subway system. Have you ever been on that thing?”

Take the H double L train…

HADES – The Devil, overwhelmed by people selling their souls, is putting a temporary freeze on soul purchases .

2010 has been a record year for soul selling. “We’re booming! We got contracts lined up back-and-forth across Hades,” the Devil told WWN. “More people than ever are selling their souls, wanting to satisfy all their earthly desires. I don’t even need any helpers anymore, these people are coming to me!”

The Devil began making deals (or Faustian bargains) back in the first century A.D.  It’s a simple contract: an individual sells his or her soul to the devil in exchange for earthly favors. Then when that person dies – “your ass is mine.”  The “favors” are the usual run-of-the-mill vanities:  youth, knowledge, wealth, power, sex and free beer. As Bob Tartaro from Columbus, Oh said, “A lifetime of free beer in exchange for eternal damnation? It’s a no-brainer!”

Even though eternity is a helluva lot longer than the typical lifespan, many individuals are more focused on immediate gratification.  “Eternity be damned, I want power now!” said Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York.  No, it’s not just Democrats that are selling their souls.  “We have 98% of Congress signed up,” said the Devil.  “I hope to get to 100% by November.”

There have been some individuals over the years that signed the pact because they acknowledged the Devil as their “master.”  The Devil has a name for these souls – “suckers.”

WWN talked to Professor Almaberga Montipedo, a demonologist at the University of Vermont, about the Devil’s temporary freeze.  “It’s understandable. The Devil can’t take everybody. There has to be some admission guidelines. If everybody on earth was getting what they wanted, having all their desires come true, then there’d be no suffering on earth, and the Devil just doesn’t like that.  It gives him great joy to see people in pain.”

Asked why she thinks there is such a rush on soul-selling in 2010, Montipedo said, “Whenever there’s an economic downturn, people turn to the Devil.  It’s an easy fix. Plus, he had a great special earlier this year.  He was offering 90 virgins to anybody that signed up.  And, you get the virgins when you’re on earth.”

Capitalizing on the freeze, a new web site that has popped up:  www.devilcontractexchange.com, which allows people to buy and sell their contracts with the Devil. The Devil likes the attempt at trying to get around his freeze, but said “it’s not going to work.  I have fire on my side.”

The Devil said the “soul-buying freeze” will be in effect for the rest of 2010.  But he’ll be open for business again on January 1, 2011 – good news for American Idol hopefuls!

Fro some reason, musicians seem to be fond of selling their souls. Here’s one of Satan’s favorite YouTube videos about some of his past clients:

And of course, there’s the Crossroads.  The Devil is not confirming (or denying) that he made a deal with Robert Johnson. What do you think?

To Christians, Hell is a fiery place where sinners go to burn for eternity when they die.

But check out these wild ideas other religions have about what happens to bad folks:

HINDUISM

Souls get to be reincarnated but first must take a trip to one of 21 different versions of Hell to work off their bad karma.

Some of the possible tortures include getting cooked in a jar or having their eyes eaten by crows. After their punishment is complete, the souls are reborn on Earth as either a human or an animal.

DAYTON, OH – At last there’s a proven method you can use to get your loved ones out of Hell – and experts say it really works!

That’s the joyful word from world-renowned author and minister Revered Thomas Whathers, who says his prayers and painstaking research into scriptures helped him discover a way to “suspend the sentence” of eternal torment which was once believed to be permanent and irrevocable.

“Just because your friends or family members died before they were able to mend their ways doesn’t mean they have to ‘rot in Hell’”, says the noted author of Liberty in the Afterlife, who has appeared on many national talk shows. “Prayers of the living have tremendous power to free the damned.”

Dozens of prominent religious leaders affirm that they’ve seen souls “flashing past the earthly plane” on their way up to Heaven after Rev. Whathers applied his method to release them.

“Rev. Whathers and I were praying for my aunt, a convicted murderess,” says Donald Frolerat, a deacon at Rev. Whathers’ church. “Suddenly, there was a burst of light and the unmistakable form of Aunt Lila came shooting up from the floorboards!”

“Her dress was singed from flames. But as she rose toward the ceiling, her charred, dingy dress began turning bright white and mending itself. THere was a look of tremendous relief on her face. I knew beyond a doubt she was on her way up to Heaven and that our prayers had been answered.”

His critics say Rev. Whathers is committing blasphemy by claiming the right to free sinners from the demons of Hell. But the minister says, “My critics should read the Bible, particularly Matthew 19:26 which says, ‘…With God all things are possible.’”

Rev. Whathers offers this 5-step technique to anyone who wants to free a departed sinner from Satan’s grasp:

1. Begin with an 8-hour fast.
“Go at least eight hours without eating to purify your mind,” he says. But make sure your doctor okays the fast.

2. Make sure you’re not around disbelievers.
“There’s more power in numbers, so pray with someone else if you can. But you’re better off alone than with someone who’s skeptical.”

3. Remain silent for one hour before beginning your prayer.
“Don’t let anyone disturb you or you’ll have to start the hour of prayers over again.”

4. Hold a Bible in one hand and something your loved one owned in the other.
“It can be an article of clothing or jewelry, a favorite book, tape or CD – anything they once owned.”

5. Ask God to forgive them and let them go.

Rev. Whathers says you may or may not see their spirit leave Hell and pass through the room. But you will get a peaceful feeling inside that will let you know your prayer has been answered.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Angels and demons have quietly entered into peace talks, thanks to Senator John McCain!

“Just a decade ago, a peace pact between Heaven and Hell would have been unthinkable,” says Presidential nominee Senator McCain. “But in this era, we’ve seen many implacable foes, like Democrats and Republicans, sit down at the bargaining table to settle their differences.

“Of course, this won’t be a cakewalk. The two camps remain miles apart on many issues – and there’s a lot of bad blood and distrust. But I have a lot of experience with that,” he explained.

Preliminary talks got underway six weeks ago between Earthly representatives of the two sides – with negotiators from the Catholic Church sitting opposite agents of the International Church of Lucifer.

“These meetings paved the way for bargaining sessions between heavenly seraphim and second-tier demons, in which key points of the peace plan have been hammered out,” a source revealed.

“But when the first ‘sit-down’ between the Archangel Michael and Satan’s chief lieutenant Beelzebub could not be negotiated, we had to call in the big guns.”

Senator McCain, well known for his bipartisan work in the Senate, was able to get the talks going again. “I mean, if I can reach across the aisle to Democrats, reaching out to demons couldn’t be all that bad,” he laughed.

“There’s certainly been a lot of haggling,” Senator McCain revealed. “Both teams have been trying to sneak loopholes into the document.

“This is truly a case where the Devil is in the details.”

Senator McCain’s supernatural support has been growing. If these negotiations go through, he will have not only the afterlife representatives, but fellow cyborgs and some alien races. However, Senator Barack Obama has garnered the favor of highly influential mutants and extraterrestrials.

Which contingency will be the most influential on November 4th?

PRUDHOE BAY, AK -  Something is emerging from Hell!

That is the horrifying warning of more than 60 eyewitnesses who have seen the monstrous shape roaring out of a mile-deep Alaskan oil well amid stinking clouds of sulfur.

“If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it,” said John Merritt, a foreman with BP, which operates the oil field.

“The giant demon head of Satan has already escaped and his body has been slowly coming out for weeks.

“White-hot flames are billowing out of the well, the skies have been darkened by strange clouds and the area is full of an evil stench so oppressive and overpowering that most people can only stand to remain there for a few minutes.”

The oil field, about 400 miles north of Fairbanks, has been ordered shut down by the government and the area has been cordoned off. Only military and clergymen who have been called in by the oil company to aid in the crisis are admitted to the area, and Alaskan officials have slapped a tight lid of secrecy over the story.

Many are looking to politicians for a response; Alaska’s reserves have been a source of this year’s presidential debates over energy independence.

Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin immediately downplayed the incident, stating, “This is nothing to worry about! It’s just the Devil playing tricks on us! He wants to see our country run out of oil, just like the terrorists. We gotta stand up for ourselves and keep on drilling!”

Delaware Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden was far more concerned. “I have consistently voted against exploration in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve, and this is the perfect example why. We don’t yet know the long-term environmental effects, let alone Biblical ones.”

As for the hole? “No one is allowed within 50 feet of the oil well,” said foreman Merritt. “We’re just waiting to see what happens next.”