Hey, Madonna: Why go halfway across the world to find somebody living in squalor, when we’ve got a poor African living right here?

Aunt Obama is an illegal alien who lives in the projects in Boston, and was supposed to get shipped back to Ooongaboongaland years ago. OK, Aunt Obama isn’t cute and little and covered in flies. But she’s still a real live African and hey, if Madonna adopted her, they’d both get to visit the White House sometimes, and they’d both love that!

I say why not? If Obama’s aunt was a Mexican, no one would even care! They didn’t deport boozehound Billy Carter or Bill Clinton’s crazy brother, did they? They didn’t ship half the Kennedys back to Ireland. And they’ve all been more trouble than this old broad.

Except she’s been living off the taxpayer’s dime, that is. Her nephew made millions off his boring books but he couldn’t buy her a nice little house? I guess that idea never came up on Obama’s Teleprompter!

The aunt’s lawyer says we can’t send her back because some fights have broken out back home between her tribe and another one, probably over who gets to drive the dead dictator’s 1978 Mercedes this week, or who turned whose wife into a goat.

Speaking of which, that Madonna’s looking pretty bad these days. I never thought she was that great to begin with, but let’s just say Guy Ritchie’s idea of a hot toy for the bedroom must’ve been The Clapper!

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

LOS ANGELES, CA –Guy Ritchie has accepted PhD Ape’s council after the announcement of his divorce from Madonna.

Following last week’s revelation of the much-anticipated split between film director Guy Ritchie and pop star Madonna, the renowned psychologist PhD Ape offered to help Ritchie during the difficult times ahead.

Beating out other celebrity counselors Dr. Phil and Dr. Noel Blundell, the “Sports Psychologist To To the Stars,” PhD Ape will work with Ritchie on a bi-weekly basis to make sure he does not hide from his emotions or “try to suppress the very real and difficult emotions all men feel during a divorce.”

“Divorce is just as hard on a man as it is on a woman, sometimes more so,” PhD Ape is quoted as saying.  “Too often the man takes the bulk of the blame when a relationship falls apart.  I think it is safe to assume that Madonna wore the pants in that relationship.”

Ritchie, the once highly acclaimed film director of films such as Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, saw his films fail at the box-office while acquiring widespread pans from film critics since marrying Madonna in 2000.

“Guy is a good man, a hard-working creative professional and a caring father,” PhD Ape said.  “He’ll get through this.  It won’t be easy, but a bright future lays ahead if he keeps his mind on his work, his heart open, and his eyes away from the tabloids.

“His ex is sure to grace the covers with a harem of men she is no doubt already courting.”

The real reason behind Madonna’s divorce!

Exclusive information reveals that Alex Rodriguez, Yankees player and rumored lover of Madonna, is actually Madonna’s son!

As a teenager, Madonna dreamed of becoming a performer. The year before she was to attend the University of Michigan on a dance scholarship, she realized she was pregnant from an encounter with a local disco dancer Herve Fernandez.

Speaking only on the condition of anonymity, a source familiar with Madonna’s childhood revealed that she quietly bore the child after moving to New York and giving it up for adoption in 1975.

Now many believe that the love child she gave up is in fact none other than Alex Rodriguez!

Speculation on this development is now fueled by both her recently announced divorce from husband Guy Ritchie as well as her new found interest in adoption.

Are they even closer than they realize?