Hey, Madonna: Why go halfway across the world to find somebody living in squalor, when we’ve got a poor African living right here?

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Following last week’s revelation of the split between film director Guy Ritchie and pop star Madonna, the renowned psychologist PhD Ape offered to help Ritchie during the difficult times ahead.

Exclusive information reveals that Alex Rodriguez, Yankees player and rumored lover of Madonna, is actually Madonna’s son!