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GOV. JINDAL PROPOSES SAME-SEX MARRIAGE BILL

Elsa Akesson — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:30:05 +0000

BATON ROUGE – Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has proposed a same-sex marriage bill.

After introducing the bill to the State Senate, Jindal made a short statement from the steps of the Louisiana State Capitol building earlier this morning.

“Supriya and I have been blessed with three beautiful children. Everyone in Louisiana should have the right to a family like ours. Today, I am officially pledging my support for same-sex marriage in Louisiana. My goal is to extend the same opportunity that we have been given to the gay and lesbian couples of the Pelican State. Welcome to our family.”

Jindal did not take any questions, but Louisiana Democrats were scrambling to ratchet up support for the new bill. Although Jindal, a Republican, proposed the surprise bill, Democrats fear they will have trouble gathering “Yes” votes from Republican Senators.

The fight appears to be building quickly. Conservative religious leaders and representatives, many who are long-time Jindal supporters, have cancelled summer weekend plans and will convene over the next several days to strategize their counter-attack.

Republican State Representative Jonathan Perry issued this statement: “The fine people of Louisiana did not vote for same-sex marriage. They don’t want it. We want to reassure our constituents that their beliefs will be upheld. I don’t know how Governor Jindal thinks he will overturn the 2004 constitutional amendment. We banned marriage and any other forms of partnership recognition for same-sex couples. And it’s going to stay that way. This is a complete 180. What happened to his Marriage Commission?”

Meanwhile, the Gay Liberation Front of New Orleans is planning a Sunday celebration picnic in Washington Square, just outside of the French Quarter.

THE ARNOLD VASE

Tap Vann — Thu, 19 May 2011 06:09:56 +0000

HOLLYWOOD – The Arnold Vase is on sale in Santa Monica. Inside you’ll find: three hidden children!

There is a rare vase depicted Arnold Schwarzenegger and his blushing bride, Maria Shriver. This vase was on sale on Ebay two months ago. It originally was being sold for $5,000.00. Today it is worth $1 million.

It’s a special vase, a magical vase – if you will. Inside the vase there are several surprised, placed there by Arnold himself. You’d have to buy the vase to find out EXACTLY what is in it, but sources close to the Governator, say that the vase contains 3-4 love children. Apparently, that’s where Arnold was hiding the children the last ten years.

Maria Shriver wanted to buy the vase and smash it into smithereens, but she didn’t even know it existed until a week ago.

The vase would be selling for even more, but rumors have it that Arnold has 5 or 6 other magic vases that contain 3-4 children each. He’s been a busy man.

CARL PALADINO – I AM A GAY AMERICAN

Frank Lake — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 14:39:19 +0000

ALBANY – Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino announced today that he is gay. A brainwashed gay.

Appearing on NBC’s “Today” Monday morning, the Republican gubernatorial candidate Paladino said he has nothing against gay people in his work or personal life – he just doesn’t want to be exposed to their culture.

He specifically signaled out gay pride parades, with marchers wearing “Speedos and grinding against each other.”

When pressed by Matt Lauer about why he has come out so strongly against the gay lifestyle, Paladino shocked viewers when he stood up and announced:

” I am a gay American.”

Paladino said this was the perfect day for him to come out because it’s National Coming Out Day!

Paladino went on to say that he is worried about children being “brainwashed” into being gay because when he was a child in Buffalo, New York, he was taken into a room by his Algebra teacher and “he put a big metal helmet on my head, with lots of tin foil, and they played the soundtrack to “Hello, Dolly” over and over again. The teachers did this every day for a month. Then, one day, during a little league game, Tommy Flanagan, slid into second base and I helped him up and kissed him, right there.”

And Paladino has been kissing men ever since…

Lauer was confused. “If you are a gay American, then why are you coming out so strongly against gay pride?”

“I’m a complicated man, but I’m a simple man. Just because I am gay, doesn’t mean that I want other people to be gay, especially when elementary school teachers brainwash you.”

The bottom line: Paladino wants the non-gay vote, but he also wants the gay vote. He loves gays and he hates gays. He loves himself and he hates himself.

“I love New York and I hate New York,” said the Republican candidate. “And I think most New Yorkers are the same way.”

Paladino has three children. “Have you told your wife and children that you are gay?,” asked Lauer.

“I just did – on national television.”

Carl Paladino will be in Brooklyn tonight claiming to be a transgender male. He will also claim to be a Jamaican, and a Jew and.. whatever else he can be to get votes.

BAILOUT BOY

Allie Pruitt — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 22:45:04 +0000

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

09/29/08
The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.

Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.

09/25/08 – A financial crisis has been averted!

WASHINGTON, DC – Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.

“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.

Paulson’s reasoning?

While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.

Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”