BATON ROUGE – Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has proposed a same-sex marriage bill.

HOLLYWOOD – The Arnold Vase is on sale in Santa Monica. Inside you’ll find: three hidden children!

ALBANY – Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino announced today that he is gay. A brainwashed gay.

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.