McLEAN, VA. – A Virginia woman was arrested for breastfeeding her one-month old son near the home of the G.O.P. Presidential hopeful.

After speculation that Callista Gingrich made the 911 call to report the breastfeeding woman, the former Speaker’s wife explained her reasoning at a news conference. “Yes, I made the call. I spoke up on behalf of my family and Newt’s campaign. We support the McLean Police Department’s aggressive stance on public indecency and the decision to arrest Ms. Valentine. This is a family neighborhood filled with hard-working American people. We stand together as a community. We will not allow people like this to infiltrate. We are trying to rebuild the America we love, and there is no room for obscenity.”

First-time mother Sherry Valentine was charged with indecent exposure and child endangerment for allegedly pulling over to feed her son. Valentine claims she couldn’t calm the baby because she was driving. She stopped the car on what she called “a quiet street” and sat on a seat in a park gazebo, just a few blocks from the Gingrich home.

Ms. Gingrich happened upon the scene as she returned from a campaign event celebrating her husband’s South Carolina primary victory. It is unclear where Valentine and her newborn live, but neighborhood association sources confirm, “they’re not from around here. “

When answering questions from reporters, Gingrich continued, “It’s inappropriate, really. People need to take care of these situations in private. Some secrets should remain behind closed doors.”

George Soros made a stunning announcement:  he is leaving the Democrat Party and joining the GOP!

Bloomberg reported the news regarding George Soros: he’s quitting the Democrats.

The outlet says that the liberal billionaire financier is dissolving the non-family aspect of his hedge fund that put him on the monetary map.

“He’s done funding the Democrats.  He’s see the light and know thinks that Republicans have a far better economic strategy for the country… and the world.”

Soros is said to be “disgusted” with the debt talks and “very angry” with President Obama about the way he has handled the economy.

David Mamet, who recently wrote about his conversion from a liberal to a conservative in his book “A Secret Knowledge” was the catalyst.

“David met with Soros on the weekend and convinced George that his liberal ideas were ‘insane,’” said Soros insider Vladka Junga.

Junga also said that Soros no longer believes in Climate Change and is divesting himself from all funding of liberal causes including Media Matters.

“George wants to dedicate his Open Society now to promoting the Tea Party agenda.”

Soros is expected at a major Tea Party rally in St. Louis this weekend.  He will be the guest of conservative superstar, Dana Loesch.

The billionaire best known for breaking the Bank of England, is returning money to outside investors in his $25.5 billion firm is ending a career as hedge-fund manager that spanned more than four decades and joining the GOP – full-time.

“He wants to dedicate himself to getting the Republicans back into the White House and to make sure that the Supreme Court retains its conservative advantage” said Soros associate, Marco Ludmilla.

Arianna Huffington, a good friend of Soros, is upset that Soros is leaving “the casue” but said that she would carry on with her far left agenda.

“George and I are dear friends and if he wants to be a Republican now, then I support him in his decision, but will do everything in my power to bring him down!”

Soros, who turns 81 next month, plans on donating over $1 billion to the GOP.  His favorite candidate for President:  Chris Christie.

WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee and GOP leaders have conceded the 2012 election to President Barack Obama!

Following the successful mission to kill Osama Bin Laden, the Republicans feel that President Barack Obama should serve  a second term and have decided to concede the 2012 election.

“He got bin Laden, he deserves a second term. Period,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.  “He’s my President now.”  Boehner said before breaking down in tears.

“We should just cancel the 2012 election now, and save the taxpayers money,” said Senator John McCain.  “This was the greatest covert mission in the history of the United States and President Obama deserves all the credit.”

Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, and Tim Pawlenty have all thrown their support behind President Obama.  “He will go down in history as one of this country’s greatest military leaders,” said Mike Huckabee.  “There’s no reason for any American to vote for anyone except Barack Obama.  Let’s just give him a pass and get on with making this country better.”

Huckabee is hoping that he and his band, The Little Rockers, will get to play at Obama’s second inauguration.

Here’s the ladies of The View discussing canceling the 2012 election – before the GOP conceded:

http://www.eyeblast.tv/public/eyeblast.swf?v=hdaG2G8z4z

NEW YORK -  Donald Trump’s birth certificate is a fake.  He was actually born in Kenya!

Donald Trump has appeared on a number of shows in the last week – including The View and The O’Reilly Factor – to question whether Barack Obama has a birth certificate or not.

The Donald then produced his own birth certificate, but under close examination it turned out to be a fake.  WWN investigated the birth of Trump.

“It’s amazing, but after researching his birth, we learned he was born in Nairobi, Kenya,” said New York’s famous detective, Bo Dietl.  “Donald’s father,  Donald John Trump, was in Nairobi making real estate deals, when his wife, Mary Anne, gave birth to Donald, Jr. on June 14, 1946.

Trump insiders say that this is the main reason he is pushing to prove that Obama was not born in Hawaii – he wants to share a common heritage with Obama!

WWN learned that Trump has a wife, Abasi, and two children – Doma and Chiku – in Nairobi.  Here’s Trump and Abasi:

This, of course, means that Trump can not run for President in 2012.

WASHINGTON D.C. – According to a new poll a majority of the GOP thinks that President Obama is a racist, socialist, and non-US citizen.  Their other beliefs will shock you!

A new poll was released by Daily Kos, outlining the beliefs of Republicans and their extreme distrust of President Obama.  Over two thousand self-identified Republicans were polled across the country.  It is important to note that the self-identified Conservatives, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, and Independents, who are even more politically conservative and make up roughly half the Fox News demographic, were not included in the poll.

39% of Republicans believe President Obama should be impeached.  27% believe impeachment should be considered.  When asked exactly what laws President Obama has broken that would warrant impeachment, participants were unsure.  58% answered something to the effect that “He’s trying to destroy America!”

63% of Republicans think that President Obama is a Socialist.  58% believe that he is trying to turn America into a European style Socialist country.  45% of Republicans believe that Obama considers Vladimir Lenin a personal hero.  27% believe that it is at least feasible that the President does or at one time has dressed up as Lenin.  18% believe that the President or the Democratic Party purchased Lenin’s remains after the fall of the Soviet Union and looks on it regularly for inspiration.    3% believe that Obama is Lenin reincarnated and getting revenge on the United States.  85% of Republicans are unsure of the difference between Socialism and Communism.

53% of Republicans think it is likely that President Obama was not born in the United States.  39% believe he definitely was not, and that the Democratic Party has successfully covered up the truth of his birth in Kenya.  This is all while being unable to pass the Health Care bill while holding a super-majority.

23% of Republicans believe that ACORN stole the 2008 election, with 55% of Republicans unsure.  21% believe their state should secede from the union.  12% would, in that case, support Glenn Beck as President of the new Conservative States of America.

53% of Republicans believe President Obama “wants the terrorists to win.”  37% believe it’s possible and warrants are being looked into.  49% believe the President is himself a “secret muslim.”  41% believe he is a “racist who hates white people.”    19% believe the President is the Antichrist, sent by Satan to destroy the human world.  48% of Republicans believe he is a likely candidate, but haven’t decided yet.  58% of Republicans think he could possibly be the Antichrist and a Socialist, Communist, Racist, secret Muslim, Kenyan native all at the same time.

I’m as fed up as Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet about what’s happening to the Republicans!

Every since their big get-together last week, everybody’s fighting about “the future of conservatives.” Namby pamby Beltway big shots tell us to dump Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, and get more classy and “intellectual” like them!

Heck, some of these “conservatives” even voted for Teleprompter Jesus himself!

Don’t listen to these stuck up sons of Benedict Arnold. Has Ross Douthat or David Brooks ever won a chili cook-off or fired a few rounds off a .45? David Frum probably can’t even change a tire without his Filipino nanny helping out.

They’re not like right wing leaders of the past. Remember the late, great Esther Schenectady, who started the American Institution Institute and led the fight against putting fluoride in our water. (“Today your teeth. Tomorrow your mind!”)

What about ex-commie spy Osprey Whitsunson (author of “From Comrade to
Christ”) or Julius Katzenjammer, who wrote my favorite economical book, “The State is Your Slavemaster” (1972)?

Dagnabbit, those wise old leaders are gone. I’m the last one of the era.
But those Seepack guys won’t let me come to their big get-together since back in ’64, when I beaned Happy Rockefeller with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (That slut!)

But we have new ones leaders – and they’re the people the snooty boys hate. Heck, Rush Limbaugh isn’t Hitler –  he’s Winston Churchill! My fellow red, white and blue blooded Americans, ignore the Gang of Pansies! Keep cheering the real conservatives who appreciate and understand us normal folks in Flyswatter Country.

(Except for that Mormon who cries all the time. Boy needs to start drinking again…)

NEW YORK, NY – The View’s resident Republican was snubbed by the White House, and she isn’t going down without a fight!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is one of four female hosts of ABC’s “The View”. Previously a contestant on “Survivor: The Australian Outback”, Hasselbeck fought her way onto the daytime talk show to become the conservative voice.

Yet after spending the past year heavily lobbying for the GOP and the McCain-Palin campaign, Hasselbeck was not invited to any of the White House’s Christmas parties. Hasselbeck took it to the stage and lashed out in a big way.

Hasselbeck fumed, “I did more than enough for the Republican Party this year and this is the thanks I get? Well let me tell you something! I didn’t go all the way to Australia to not learn something.”

She then whipped out a George W. Bush voodoo doll and attempted to curse it, which merely consisted of her shouting “Curse! Curse! Curse!” and sticking a pin in its behind. Hasselbeck pointed into the camera and snarled, “Now I expect an invitation by tomorrow or this doll’s getting hurt!”

It appears Hasselbeck confused Australian Aboriginal traditions with American voodoo, but the effect was still the same. She received a phone call immediately following the broadcast, with Laura Bush apologizing profusely while President Bush yelped in pain in the background.

Whoopi Goldberg is now planning on using the same tactic for President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration ball.

SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.

The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.

Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.

Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.

A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.

Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.

A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.

The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.

It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.

Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3826/gop-gathers-to-summon-next-leader/feed/ 0 Reginald Cunningham III conservativeseance http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/2952/bat-boy-gets-passport/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/2952/bat-boy-gets-passport/#comments Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:38:05 +0000 Allie Pruitt http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=2952 ]]>

Weekly World News investigative reporters have discovered that the U.S. government has issued Bat Boy a passport for international travel!

Reactions from politicians has been mixed. Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s campaign manager issued the statement, “Senator Obama is happy to see any Americans—mutant or otherwise—venturing out and changing how global citizens view our country.”

The GOP was more cautious. During a meet-and-greet with Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, Governor Palin was asked how she felt on the matter. “I can’t imagine he’s one of those kids who graduated college and their parents got him a passport and a backpack and said, ‘Go off and travel the world.’ If he worked hard, then he deserves it.”

When asked for reasons why Bat Boy—a known felon after having led cops on a three-state car chase—should be allowed to travel abroad, she stuttered and replied, “I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring ‘em to ya!”