ENGLAND – Cows have been bred to produce human breast milk!

Scientists have successfully introduced human genes into 300 dairy cows to produce human breast milk.   It’s a smashing success and British mothers are bringing their babies to farms for feedings!

Human milk, from cows, contains high quantities of key nutrients that can help to boost the immune system of babies and reduce the risk of infections.

The scientists behind the human milk from herds of genetically modified cows said that the milk provide a viable alternative to human breast milk and formula milk for babies, which is often criticized as being an inferior substitute.

The genetically modified dairy products from herds of similar cows will be sold in supermarkets across the globe. The research has the backing of a major biotechnology company: GM.

The milke is likely to inflame opposition to GM foods. Critics of the technology and animal welfare groups reacted angrily to the research, questioning the safety of milk from genetically modified animals and its effect on the cattle’s health.

But Professor Ning Li, the scientist who led the research and director of the State Key Laboratories for AgroBiotechnology at the China Agricultural University insisted that the GM milk is safer to drink as milk from ordinary dairy cows.

He said: “The milk tastes stronger than normal milk.”

The “human milk” will be available throughout England and is coming to the U.S. this summer.

Scientists are thrilled that they have “humanized” cow milk.

Writing in the journal, Professor Li said: “Our study describes transgenic cattle whose milk offers better nutritional benefits than human milk.

“The modified bovine milk is a great substitute for human milk,”  agreed Professor Tom Hillstrom of Oxford.  “It some ways it’s better to put a baby on an udder of one of these cows, than on the breast of the mother.”

Hillstrom went on to say that “human-like milk” provides “much higher nutritional content” than mother’s breast milk. He said: “Human milk contains the ‘just right’ proportions of protein, carbohydrates, fats, minerals, and vitamins for an infant’s optimal growth and development.”

Professor Keith Campbell, a biologist at the University of Nottingham works with transgenic animals, said: “Genetically modified animals and plants are not going to be harmful unless you deliberately put in a gene that is going to be poisonous. Why would anyone do that in a food?

“Genetically modified food, if done correctly, can provide huge benefit for consumers in terms of producing better product

Lady Gaga loses number one spot to Eminem on Facebook

Even though Eminem did not walk away with the Grammy’s Album of the Year award, again, that did not stop him from bulldozing his way to the top of the social network.

Until now, Lady Gaga was the reigning queen of Facebook as the most “liked” artist on the popular social networking site. But now queen Gaga has been dethroned and the internet has now crowned a new queen king, Eminem.

Eminem surpassed Lady Gaga’s “like” total of 28,872,000 by implementing a guerilla style internet campaign to “get his like on” garnering him a staggering 35,659,000 total “likes” in no time. Em achieved this immense margin by gaining in excess of a million “likes” a week and the trend does not seem to be stopping.

When Gaga heard the news she was enraged beyond belief.

“I cannot believe the tactics that he used to achieve this status,” exclaimed Gaga, “What he did here was unconscionable and I, for one, will not stand for it!”

Having her internet hands tied over the matter, she decided to take the matter into her literal hands. Lady Gaga has publicaly challenged Eminem to a fight. That’s right an old school 3 o’clock, parking lot style throw down.

The fight is scheduled to take place later next month in the parking lot of an abandoned GM factory in Detroit. Gaga said that she would allow the fight to be on Em’s home turf since she called him out.

“I’m gonna f**k that bitch up! She don’t know what she done got herself into!” retaliated Eminem.

Several other stars plan to attend the brawl and they are taking sides.

Team Eminem currently has a roster of Dr. Dre, Llyod Banks, Lil Wayne, and, surprisingly, Sir Elton John.

Team Gaga, to date, consists of with Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Yoko Ono, and Yanni.

“There was a lot of talk in Hollywood as to which side Elton would take. His decision was a bit of a shock to us all especially after the announcement that Lady Gaga would be the godmother of his adopted son,” said Extra’s Mario Lopez, “But my money is on Gaga, Yoko is one mean bitch and Yanni fights dirty.”

Who do you have your money on?

LONDON -  Scientists have created a  Superchicken that doesn’t spread bird flu, is faster than a speeding bullet and can bend steel with its beak.

The Superchicken is here!   Scientists finished creating the genetically-modified bird last week.  It was originally intended to prevent the outbreaks of avian influenza which lead to millions of birds being culled, but –

…scientists were shocked to discover that Superchicken had super-bird powers.

“Superchicken can fly faster than most supersonic jets, he can lift fifty thousand times his weight,he can speak one hundred and seventy-five languages and when he drops an egg, it’s lethal,” said chief genetic engineer, Dr. Thomas Hillstrom.

The British team behind the GM chicken said that they followed rigorous safety checks when creating Superchicken.  “We never expected Superchicken to be anything but a bird to help fight avian flu,”  said Dr. Lakenstein, who with his assistant, Gregor, spent over three months making Superchicken in his basement.

Superchicken has already rescued four women who were about to be raped in Hyde Park in London, over the last week.  “This ugly bloke grabbed me around the throat and was dragging me into the bushes, when Superchicken swooped down and pecked a hole in his head.  He picked up the attacker by the collar and carried him off to Scotland Yard,” said Fiona Cox of Hampshire.

Criminals all over Great Britain – and around the world – are running scared.  “That’s one nasty chicken,” said  J-Zo Paco of Amersterdam.  “I was just minding by business in my meth lab and all-of-a-sudden, this crazy chicken busts through the door and grabbed me by the throat.  I unloaded my 9mm into him, but it had not affect.  That damn chicken is bullet-proof.”

Police in England are trying to come up with a way for citizens to call for Superchicken when they are in distress.  Many have suggested that the citizens carry a little chicken pendant around their necks and if they get in trouble just push the button and… Superchicken will appear.

Scientists are working on creating a second Superchicken, but Dr. Lakenstein doesn’t think he can duplicate his work again.  “I don’t know how I did it.  I will be impossible to recreate.”

But he will keep on trying.  In the meantime, when  you are in trouble… call Superchicken!

Can you believe it? Good old George W. Bush just raised $100-million for his Presidential library in only 100 days! So much for the crappy economy! Bush’s new book depository in Dallas is gonna be built from solid gold bricks at this rate.

How’d that happen? I thought Bush was the worst President ever, and everybody hated him and was glad to see him leave.

One share of New York Times stock is now cheaper than a copy of their paper, and they might have to sell their big building. Hey, maybe Bush should buy it and put his library in there instead! So much for their eight years of Bush bashing. You’d almost think nobody paid attention to the New York Times anymore…

I dunno: Obama seems to like handing out new houses and free stuff to folks. Maybe he cut Bush a check, too! The Teleprompter Kid’s throwing money at everybody else, so why not? Sounds like the Bush library’s gonna be around longer than GM at this rate.

This news is gonna make that press secretary’s head come to an even pointier point. Keith Olbermann’s gonna burst a blood vessel, and the girls on The View are gonna be in permanent PMS mode!

Oh sure, they’ll joke that $100-million buys a lot of copies of “My Pet Goat”, and say a “George Bush Library” is like a “Michael Jackson Daycare” or an “Oprah Winfrey Fat Farm”, but let them laugh.

All those liberals are just jealous. Bush’s library just made more money in one hundred days than all Hollywood’s anti-Bush, anti-war movies made in eight whole years! Take that, traitors!

MY AMERICA – by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

***

My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

DETROIT, MI – As the stock market continues to tumble and oil prices jumping nearly 20 dollars a barrel in the last week, GM announces plans for new hybrid to run on renewable resources of Fairy Dust and Unicorn Tears.

Expected in Q3 of 2009, GM says they have been developing the technology for the past 5 years, but have waited to announce the revolutionary automobile until it was closer to becoming a reality.   The yet to be named automobile is known internally as “Codename Twinkle.”

GM CEO Rick Wagoner told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We’ve been working really closely with the Fairy and Unicorn community.  We’re confident this new automobile will be a relief to consumers being drained at the pump as well as bringing Fairies and Unicorns back into the mainstream automobile market.”

Consumers might remember the short-lived sedan PD-30, short for Pixie Dust, 30 Miles produced by Ford in the early ’90s.  The first Fairy Dust powered hybrid vehicle was a commercial success but quickly pulled from the market under pressure from Big Oil.

This is the first time Unicorn Tears will be utilized in a consumer automobile.  The Teamsters have long been rumored to use a mixture of diesel and Unicorn Tears to fuel their trucks.

Wagoner commented, “Based on mythology, you wouldn’t think that Unicorn’s cry as much as they do.  They have this reputation for prancing on rainbows all the time.  But they are really sensitive, introspective creatures.  They listen to a lot of The Cure and Bright Eyes.”

The timing of the announcement has been noted as extremely strategic, as GM sales were drastically declining in China.

“The Qilin, the Chinese equivalent of the Western unicorn, is revered as a sacred pet of the deities,” said an industry expert. “To drive a car associated with prosperity… Chinese consumers are going to buy them right up!”