LORETO, Mexico — A pack of giant squid capsized a fishing boat in the Sea of Cortés yesterday, killing seven fishermen.

The band of sea creatures attacked the boat as it was returning to shore, creating a gruesome spectacle for late afternoon beach-goers.

“I saw four or five bodies wash up on the shore.  They were totally black and blue all over. They looked like they had been attacked by monster suction cups,” reported Timmy Irwin, a surfer visiting from San Francisco.

Witnesses say the lone survivor was barely recognizable after being dragged from the boat and chewed by several of the giant squid.

Marine biologists rushed to the scene hoping to catch at least one of the squid. Dr. Luis Santiago of the Universidad Autónoma Baja California Sur explained, “We captured one of the attackers. She is female and we believe most of the pack to be female because of their size. We also believe they coordinated the attack by using pigment cells to communicate, which is very typical in a situation like this. I’m afraid we may be seeing more of these attacks in the coming years, and possibly forever.

“Beaches in the area are closed indefinitely, and fishing boats are banned from heading out to sea until authorities can determine a squid-free safety zone.

Locals, who refer to the giant squid as “diablos rojos” – red devils, report that the legendary sea creatures have become more aggressive over the last few years. Marine biologists fear that the trend will continue because of the diminishing number of fish in their tropical hunting waters.

Many legends surround the giant squid because of their size and their gang mentality. They have eight arms and two tentacles, all covered in suction cups lined with small teeth. They also have three hearts and eyes the size of soccer balls. They hunt in groups of at least 1,000.

The giant squid can grow up to 40 feet long and 500 pounds, making them very difficult to combat. They survive so deep underwater that no light penetrates whatsoever. The pressure at that extreme level would crush any elephant or large land animal.

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND – Already crippled by their economic crisis, the Icelandic government has now been festooned with “ghost ships” sailing into port.

For this import-dependent economy, ships arriving with both crew and cargo missing has quickly become a critical issue.

Now government marine biologists say they have finally solved the mystery: the passengers and cargo were seized by giant squid who yanked them overboard and ate them!

“Our findings will probably come as a great disappointment to those who were looking for a more mundane and resolvable explanation,” said sea-life expert Dr. Jon Bogadottir, who helmed the emergency study.

“However, we have collected insurmountable evidence pointing simply to giant hungry squid.”

Authorities are unsure of what the next step should be. “With no end in sight for this economic crisis, the country cannot afford for vital food imports to be stolen by these beastly creatures!” exclaimed Althing (Icelandic parliament) member Kjartan Holm. “We must find their weakness and crush them!”

Most proposals have involved the use of the giant squid’s chief predator, sperm whales. The most lauded and controversial plan involved lassoing two whales to each cargo ship, to act as escorts across the sea.

Greenpeace are expected to reveal their protest campaign shortly.

NEW YORK, NY – Following three years of repair, the USS Intrepid’s return to Manhattan was greeted by the Tri-State Area’s only known Kraken.

The decommissioned WWII battleship returns to its dock, reopening the Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum. Spectators were delighted as the Battleship approached the city, and even more surprised when Grakkle the Kraken emerged in dramatic fashion sending waves crashing over the Intrepid.

Executive Director of the Intrepid Museum, Susan Marenoff commented, “It was such a pleasure to have Grakkle rise in honor of the Intrepid’s return. We had no idea he was in the area, or a fan of the museum. We’re hoping to have him participate in an upcoming exhibition on the role of US Warships in the Kraken-Great Squid Battle of 1948.”

Viewers were treated to a nautical display not seen in recent decades. While Grakkle was once a common site along the coast of Manhattan, Coney Island, and the Long Island Sound, he been much more reclusive as of late.

“I was delighted to see two of New York City’s treasures together,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters, “but my fear is that the rise of Grakkle is a portent for something brewing under the waters of New York. We really cannot afford another Kraken outlash against our trade ships. Not in this economy.”