PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL – Gangs are springing up in Wal-Marts around the country, but shoppers continue to risk it in search of good deals.

Gangs have recently been discovered which operate entirely within Wal-Mart stores.  They have been seen attacking shoppers; taking their unpurchased items, stealing the wheels off their carts, or spray-painting their tags on customers. A few brave souls have sent warnings via text message or email to friends and family.

Henry Devino, a Massachusetts contractor, was assaulted just last week.  After turning the corner into the wrong aisle, Mr. Devino was attacked.  He was later found in the fabric section, caulked to a wall with Spongebob underpants over his eyes ($3.99) and bruises in the shape of a Tottino’s hard salami ($2.99).

“It was scary, but I’ll probably be coming back.  In times like this, how can you say no to those prices?”

In places like Port Saint Lucie, Florida, Burlington, Vermont, and Stamford, Connecticut, shoppers are on high alert.  Greeters in some stores have begun handing out Kevlar vests to women and children entering the store.

The gangs are believed to have originated with children and the elderly who became lost in the superstores and forgotten.  Banding together for protection, they grew up and learned to survive in the tough aisles of Wal-Mart.

Given the massive size of most Wal-Mart superstores, the gangs are able to easily evade detection for weeks at a time.

A special Wal-Mart police force was called in at one store, resulting in a shoot-out in the linen section which claimed four lives and tens of dollars in ruined merchandise.

Police are issuing warnings of the Wal-Mart Gang initiation: the Big Rollback.  The initiation involves a stolen chainsaw, riding lawnmower and several gallons of vegetable oil.  After cutting a couch in half the initiate will do donuts in the riding lawn mower on an oil slicked floor, before disappearing back into the superstore.

ATLANTA, GA – Following a trip to Australia where Anderson Cooper taped a shark special, he was treated to a surprise guest in the studio.

Cooper traveled to the coast of Australia to investigate the tourism destination increasingly popular for boat trips that offer the opportunity to swim with sharks without the aid of cages.

Argued to be both educational and entertaining, the pastime has been under critical review for many years.

What Cooper expected to be a routine trip turned out to be much more when one of the sharks, a seven-year old female named Lorna, became infatuated with the silver-haired bachelor.

“Lorna is usually one of the less friendly sharks out there,” Captain Argul Sherman of the Swim With Sharks Boat Tour told reporters. “We were surprised at how playful she became after Anderson went for his swim. She kept swimming along side the boat, continually turning over to show her underside, a common mating practice in dolphins but rarely seen in sharks.”

Cooper, who planned to leave the smitten shark in Australia, never expected to see Lorna on the set of Anderson Cooper 360, especially not with a bouquet of flowers.

“The whole thing was very flattering,” Cooper said with a blush on CNN’s Morning Show. “During a commercial break I took Lorna aside and told her that she is very sweet and I enjoyed swimming with her.”

“I thanked her for the flowers but said that I didn’t see a future for us. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment, and to be honest, she just isn’t my type.”

When asked what his type is, he tactfully dodged the question while slowly turning over a portrait of a very lovely wildebeest.

ATLANTA, GA – Following four extra weeks of campaigning, Democratic challenger, Jim Martin lost by an impressive 15 percent.

On Election Day, no single candidate received 50 percent of the votes plus one, so under Georgia election law, the race would bpe decided by a run-off election of the top two candidates, Martin and incumbent Republican Saxby Chambliss.

“This was an important race for the Democrats,” PhD Ape said in a statement early this morning, “with two races lingering and two seats away from a filibuster proof super-majority in the Senate, Democrats were fighting hard for Georgia.  Not only were their hopes of that majority dashed last night, so too were their hopes of Georgia turning blue.”

“Jim Martin is a good man and dedicated public servant.  He looks forward to continuing to serve the people of Georgia by doing… whatever it is he did before running for Senate.”

The run-off election brought out some of the brightest stars on both sides of the aisle.  Chambliss rolled out former Massachusetts’ Governor Mitt Romney as well as failed VP-candidate Sarah Palin.  Martin had the support of Vice President Al Gore in addition to political consultants Ludacris and TI.

Despite Ludacris’ confusing performance of his hit single ‘Politics’ in which he criticizes not only President Bush but also Hillary Clinton and John McCain, it was not enough to save Martin from an embarrassing loss.

JEKYLL ISLAND, GA – A terrifying creature with the head of a man and the scaly body of an alligator was seen making its way along Georgia’s Jekyll Island – and frightened scientists are pleading with citizens to stay away!

“Numerous witnesses saw the manigator stumbling along the beach ,” said Officer Dave Jones.

“He appeared to be very inebriated; two of the men said they smelled the beer on him before they saw the can in his hand.”

Witnesses are also reporting he was extremely belligerent to a seagull he passed by, slurring “You don’t know me… You don’t KNOW me!”

Scientists believe he is making his way south into the state of Florida, but have admittedly lost track of him.

Will he play a hand in Florida’s election chaos? Weekly World News will continue to follow these reports.

ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

Over the weekend North Korea’s communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed.

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is here, working tirelessly for the people.”

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

HARRISON, Ga. — Flip Mallard thought he’d finally be free of annoying telemarketers.

“I got a new number and promptly registered with the National Do Not Call List so I could say goodbye to unsolicited sales pitches,” the twenty-seven-year-old dishwasher told Weekly World News. “The only folks who would have my number would be friends and family.”

Silence was golden for a few weeks until Mallard began receiving calls in the middle of the night.

“It was way past two in the morning when the phone rang,” he said. “I scowled at the Caller ID, which read ‘Caller Unknown — Out of Area.’ Furious at being awakened, I picked up the phone, determined to give whoever it was a severe tongue-lashing.

“At first there was silence, then a low pulsing hum as if I were being connected over vast distances,” he said. “Suddenly, I heard what sounded like a cat caught in a blender. In the midst of all that shrieking, I could’ve sworn I heard my name. I figured it was my creepy coworker, Rob Bendis, trying to ‘punk’ me so I screamed right back. He screamed. I screamed. We both screamed — for a full five minutes.

“I finally hung up,” he said. “But moments later a bright beam of light shot from the night sky into my bedroom. A hologram of slithering, tentacled vaguely humanoid creatures with multiple breasts danced by my bed. It was like an extraterrestrial version of Girls Gone Nova! — and somehow I’d ordered it!

“That was when I realized I’d been alien telemarketed!”

In the weeks that followed, Mallard received more off-world sales calls.

“Evidently I was now fair game to every Tom, Dick and Q’uetztol out there,” he complained. “Since I had ‘bought’ once, my name and number had been made accessible to other ETelemarketers. Whenever the phone rang I was too scared to say anything, lest I accidentally order a molecular condensing weight loss program!”

The beleaguered — and tired — Mallard had no choice but to finally change his phone number again.

“Thankfully, the intergalactic calls stopped,” Mallard said. “I haven’t figured out how to cancel the holograms, though, so I guess I’ll have to change my debit card number as well.

“Fortunately, pennies go a long way on their world.”